Thursday, April 16, 2015


I want to start writing stories.
Something that an introvert might do to connect to the world.

I know that I might be garbage at writing but I gotta start somewhere.
There has been so many ways that I have changed and grown in the last year and it makes me confident that transformation is possible. Black and whites are not always the case. Characters need their stories told and live should be revealed through the greys that I have been finding everyday.

So I am going to start writing and writing stories that help me keep on this path towards bigger and better understandings of myself and others.

Maybe when I get good enough I can go to a reading.. maybe when I get even better I can submit something to be published??

We shall see. :)

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

what I want in a man

What I want:
spark, sex, sexiness, mystery, great personality, space and patience, edgy, sense of style, handsome, well groomed, smart, super sexy, vulnerable, longing, a with-holding longing, carefree, slight douche bag, slightly selfish, chill, emotional but not overwhelming, takes care of himself, manly, a real man, strong, good priorities and same values and acts on them, there for me, can cook, clean, an adult, has interests and passions, goals, family values, street-wise, no games, tall, smells intoxicating, physical, takes me physically, passionate, GOOD KISSER, consistent, stable, love, respect, honesty, knows himself and is honest with himself, transparency, maturity, openness, grounded, IMPERFECT, not afraid to cry, be angry, be pissy, whines to me, wants to tell me things, wants to talk to me, wants to watch tv with me, uncontrolling, responsible, authentic, communicates, self-esteem and self-worth, strength, courage, brave, integrity, positivity, self-control, patience, builds me up, can take my baggage and pain, can handle my emotions, can handle my issues, can handle the moments where I will hurt them, can handle my crappiness, knows I am not perfect, knows I am a good person, NOT JUDGMENTAL, I want to feel lucky, I want to feel safe but lucky, I want to know exactly what he see in me specifically, I want to know the reasons he picked me and I want to know the reasons I picked him, I want to know that he doesn’t judge me for being crazy sometimes and being a real person with real faults, I want to treat him like real person, I want to not make him scared, commitment because I will too, not running at the first sign of issues, collaborative, the relationship is individual and attuned to both our needs, compatible, compromise, security, ease

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Focusing on Yourself

I'm not sure what this means.

I'm just stumbling through it. Making guesses. I think focusing on yourself means listening to yourself, being happy with just yourself, doing things that make you happy. But I guess for most of my life I have been listening to what others want and nurturing them to make me happy.

Its good to be needed.

But there is a lot of anxiety in that because who is going to take care of you?

I have decided that I am going to finally start truly taking care of myself.

So what do I need? That is a tricky question. I know pieces of what I need but not the whole picture.

I know I need calm.

I need to do things everyday for myself that promote calm. Things that don't just promote calm via a distraction but things that promote calm when I am at my craziest. Promote calm when my mind won't slow down. This has been helping me a lot to choose to calm my mind in times of stress. Chamomile tea, listening to Tallest Man on Earth, reading a good book (I'm attempting Franny and Zooey right now), keeping my room tidy and organized (a work in progress for sure). Becoming mindful everyday to my thoughts and actions by taking everything slower. Cooking good, nutritious food for myself. All these things teach me calm.

I know I need to do healing things.

Healing things are staying away from things that open old wounds up. I can't move on from the things that have hurt me in the past if I keep choosing them in the future. I know I need to take more time to think when I am making decisions and keep away from things that do not nurture me. Hurt, I have found in most cases, is not personal, that doesn't mean I shouldn't protect myself from it. Intentions don't work well here, healing and wellness is what I need around me.

I know I can't compare myself to others.

I can't do social media anymore. At least, not right now. When I look at it I am not paying attention to the progress I am making.. I am paying attention to what everyone else around me is accomplishing. Its not about other people and its not about how you appear to them, its about how you feel and where you are with yourself. Its between yourself and yourself.. and maybe God. But social media never caused me anything but anxiety and I don't need that right now.. I have enough on my plate. Progress keeps slipping when I start comparing what feels like small progress to the rest of the world, but when I stay away from comparing myself, I can fully realize how much crazy awesome progress I have truly made.

I need to do little things for myself everyday. Construct happiness.

Happiness is not something you can attain. It has been wise for me to remember that. You make your own happiness. Not by attaining exterior things but by changing your perspective on the things, love and tools you DO have. I have never been more miserable than when I have depended on happiness to come to me. Happiness is attracted by already existent happiness.

Come to terms with uncertainty.

This some times is the hardest for me having anxiety. Anxiety is the persistent voice that needs consistency and constancy.. but life is never that way. If one thing isn't going wrong, its another. Most of the time I have fear of uncertainty because I want to do the right thing and when there is uncertainty I am not sure how to. But something I ultimately need to remember is that it is not up to me. In the end, I am who I am.. though I am always getting better and smarter... and the world is what it is. I can't control it and I can't change it so.... I have to let go. That is really hard but its been the key to connecting with the people I really love and the key to be okay and happy with myself and others in the now.

This has a lot to do with mindfulness and not getting caught up in the how and why and when and where of tomorrow but focusing just on the day and what I can do better today. If I worry about the things that I am scared of or am scared will not happen or will happen tomorrow.. the possibilities are infinite and scary. Really unnecessary pain I end up creating. Mindfulness and sitting with the uncertainty and sadness really helps with that.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014


Today is Kandinsky's 148th birthday! If he was alive of course.  Kandinsky was always a mystery to me in school. As a part of my film production course work, we had to take a class on contemporary art.

Let me tell you I love fine art. I love it as much as I love music. I think that its because it is meditative. When you look at art or listen to music, the rest of the world melts away and its not as big or scary. Art can really move you to positive places.

Kandinsky didn't resonate with me. I didn't see what was so special. Of course, he wasn't as famous as Picasso or Monet, but I knew there must be something that made him noted.

This was my biggest lesson in seeing art with my own eyes. Picasso translates pretty well in photographs but I feel Kandinsky doesn't get justified. As part of our art tour in New York City, the fun part of the class where we got to go on a huge multi-day field trip, I saw a collection of Kandinsky's at the Guggenheim Museum of Art.

They grow on you with their warm palate of colors and vibrant movement. The colors didn't translate well to me in photos and the details were utterly lost. Also, I feel that Kandinsky's paintings deserve to be seen amongst a collection. Their detail and themes seemed to resonate against each other more than one painting alone.

Love one on my own wall if I could.

Happy Birthday, Mr. Kandinsky!


Friday, December 12, 2014

RE: Me

So, as most of us have developed personalities in our lives (except hot dudes in high school and babes in sororities) so I have been developing my personality the last 26 years.

Though I am certain the things I like: my favorite color, my favorite foods, the type of man I like, and my favorite wardrobe statement piece.. I still feel that I don't entirely know what I need. Things like: how I need to be treated and how I need to treat myself. That seems to be trickier.

There are so many voices telling you that to get the respect you deserve "you must do":


What if you don't do it perfectly and you get rejected? What if you aren't aware enough or in the right place to do it the way people think you should? Does that mean you "did" something wrong?

That is such a scary place to be. If everything on life is based on the minutia of every action you take... If someone would treat you a certain way because you did something wrong, then that implies if you had only done something different you might have deserved better.

But that kind of philosophy is too simplistic and destroys the ability to do for yourself.

Dress the way you want to dress, like the things you want to like, feel the way you want to feel and value whatever you want to value. Need the things you truly need and look for them where they are freely offered.

Doing those things for someone else won't change anything.

Doing those things for you, does.

When I feel no outlet for my feelings or my sexual energy, I find that, that is much of an excuse to feel angry, sad, and discouraged.

But nobody wants to be victim to those emotions.. not yourself and certainly not anyone else.

Yes, feeling a certain way is usually valid, but acting on it sometimes is not.

So I have found, that letting go is the only way to you will get what you need. However, it is not always the key to getting what you want in the moment. The secret is, knowing that what you need is much better.

Getting to know my personality and what I like is great... but I am realizing it is not enough for me. I need to get to know what my needs are and get brave enough to ask for them to be met or refine the people around me so that they will get met naturally. Because sacrificing your life to sadness, or anger, or frustration, or pain, or the pain of others doesn't cut it for me anymore.

I just want to be happy and carpe diem life to the fullest.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Life is too short

For all your over thinkers out there. (i.e. ME)
Life is too short to waste.

Life is too short to waste wondering or wishing.
Life is too short to waste time pursuing things you think you want and compromise things you know (intuition is a strong force .. come on you KNOW even if you swear you don't know) you need.
Life is also too short to work on things you have no control over.

Narrowing it down what is important to what I value, makes me happy.
Being able to take care of myself also makes me happy.
It really should be that simple.. if you are okay with you.

I do think a lot about how I want to be a filmmaker. But I also think a lot about how I want to also be happy.
I also think about how being happy might be more important.
And knowing whatever is meant to be otherwise will happen.

I want to be able to buy myself a new car someday and have the apartment I have always dreamed of. I also think about how many other things are interesting to me. Beyond the "glamour" of filmmaking, I realized I don't need that "glamour" and fancy story to write home about to like myself. I need to be a person that I like, not what I perceive as being a person other people will like.

I have, for a long time, been caught up in other people's values and what that says about me but also completely forgotten what I want and more importantly what I want to be in the present -- and where I want to be in the future.

Its how I am learning to provide for my needs. I deserve that.

I want to be fiscally responsible and work at a boring 9-5 job to do it. That doesn't make me boring. It allows me to do the other things I want to do in life which are exciting and make me feel secure enough to go for it.

I think I make life a little too much about others and so little about myself.. for myself.
I am the only one I can really know. I am the only one I can really make happy. I am also the only one I will be stuck with today.. tomorrow and in the future. And if I want to be able to give in that future, I have to be in touch with all of that.

A lot of that comes down to stopping the "wondering and wishing" and be more in the "doing and feeling". Its not a puzzle to be solved. Its kind of black and white.

Should be simple. Its working for you or its not.

But sometimes I want something to work so bad that I make it complicated.. or I wish that something that won't be, would just work out.

We are taught that ANYTHING you want you can have if you work hard enough.. but sometimes its best to be happy with what you have and the things that give you security ..things that don't ride on your self esteem all the time.. and have less constant and painful risks.

Not because you gave up on what you thought you wanted or what you thought would make you happy.. but because you are finally pursuing what you really need and what will truly make you happy.  Despite what you want, what you need is always going to be true.. and the rest will always going to work out if you are consistent and its meant to be :)

So, I'm going to slow down. Tune in. Live in the moment and the positive things it can bring. And be happy

Definitely easier said than done.. :)

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

More Independent Self

Life has many ups and downs. But for someone with generalized anxiety disorder, those ups and downs can effect you a lot more than other people.

I have an anxiety disorder and I need to get real about that.

Generally, I am too nice.. and too giving of a person. I don't think that in and of itself is bad but I think that I have slowly been trying to take care of me more. I have to start saying "no" more. For me and for the relationships I find myself in. To make them more grounded in reality and more real and filled with less anxiety and fear.

It also protects me from my anxiety. I have to stay in my comfort zone to some extent. If I keep doing favors for others and forget my own peace of mind I tend to be even more hurt by them and feel more regretful of them.

I don't want to put someone in that position -- and more than that, I don't want to put myself in that position.

I have a strong ability to make things more scary and worse in my mind. Something that can take advantage of situations where I am vulnerable and have to be open.

Sometimes I shut down and am emotionally closed off... other times I am too open and too ready. I need to find a middle ground.

I want to be in a mature adult relationship, but to do that I can't be always running from my emotions, even though they can sometimes be very scary.

I need to be able to not be afraid of how others feel too. If they like me too much, I feel like I will not be able to put up the boundaries that I need to be sane... and if they like me too little... I could get really hurt.

I guess what I am saying to you.. and what I have learned recently is:

I should be thinking I am pretty amazing for doing something so scary.. and so should you. Don't sell yourself short. I keep forgetting that its hard and you will make mistakes.

I think that anyone who has the courage to put themselves out there is amazing. I just need to remind myself that the fact I am being genuine is also brave in the same way.