Thursday, July 30, 2015

Gambino is pretty good

At freestylin'



Vince Staples && Tyler


Tyler is hilarious :)

favorite summer song of 2015

Can't get enough :)


Wednesday, July 29, 2015

building bridges



I have been struggling with my happiness being durable and I am have truly struggled with my anxiety.

I have struggled with both because I haven't engaged in the world the way I want to.

I constantly belittle and make my emotions unworthy for fear of being too much and needing to too much. Instead of being around people who ask for what they need too and love themselves (meaning they can love me in return), I have stayed around people who have also seen me as "too much" and too emotional. 

I think that there is a time and place for every kind of authenticity. Sometimes you have to be authentically professional, or authentically boundaried..

But no longer do I accept that for my own heart and my own personal life. 

I don't want to be around people who judge me in this way and see what I need as "too much". Or that my heart doesn't deserve respect and love. Its really isn't too much to do.

It is simply taking care of myself and being ABLE to express myself the way I want to.

I don't think it has been working well for me to try and connect with people who aren't really interested in connecting with me either. I think it hasn't been working for me to try to replace true connection with sex. It leaves me feeling out of control and lonely. 

Working through the feelings of shame or the false belief  that something in me is essentially "too sensitive" or "too needing", I have been trying to communicate when I want to and in ways I want to. I have been interacting with people in the way I want to. And by doing this, I start to demand a reality in which I do feel accepted and loved because I am loving myself first.

It has made me realize how much I need to seek bliss in the world in general. Its made me realize how much I need to connect to others in general. It has made me realize how not to judge others because I need to stop judging myself. It has shown me that you have to take those chances but be unattached to the outcome.

Otherwise, I feel desperate and wrecked over the lack of love in my life. I spin in all directions trying to find it and I waste time in the present being unhappy.

I know I gravitate toward people who commonly don't accept me because I envy them. They are so cool, calm and collected. They seem to handle situations with ease and not ever really get to involved or worried about anything. I want a piece of what they have but that's a reflection of not really being okay with who I truly am right now.

Because I feel and care and want to engage in life, I have the potential to engage in a whole spectrum amazing emotions, deep love and absolute acceptance. That is NOT a bad thing. In fact it is the ultimate strength when acknowledge and self-nurtured.

For me, I am starting to love myself so I don't care if those thoughts and feelings are reciprocated. It has nothing to do with that. I really just want to open bridges to connect with others in a plain, open and authentic way. Bridges where I usually have set up very tall walls.

I think this is the first step to my bliss :)

Feelings come and feelings may go but that connection is lasting and awesome.




Tuesday, July 28, 2015

impact.

This is might be a weird post.

Sorry, but this might also be a downer... so feel free not to read on.

I follow the news religiously. Mostly because I don't have a lot to do at work but also because I liked to be a educated world citizen and know what is going on.

Google News isn't always the best news but it generally is a good place to start. As, I was perusing the top news stories on google, there was one that weirdly seemed out of place because it was so specific.

I won't get into too much detail. But it was about a woman who was killed in a very painful and traumatic way.

There was a video. Well, a video of the moments before it happened. I watched it.

I was horrified.

Watching that happen in front of my eyes made such an impression.

NO!!!!

This is not real. Somebody please do something. But then like that, its over. Nothing can salvage it.

I kept thinking about it. Thinking and thinking.

Maybe, I shouldn't have watched it. What did I expect? Did I have to be that curious??!

But then it started working on me. It so deeply effected me.

It made me sick to think of how fear has paralyzed me. How I have distanced myself from love for so long out of wanting to be perfect and appear perfect.

All I know is, if I had to endure that much desperate fear and physical pain.. I would NOT want the mental anguish in that moment of having lived a shitty life. A life that is not genuine to me. The mental desperation of never having experienced real love. And mental conflict of never sticking my neck out for it.

That moment haunts me.

Literally, every time I have wanted to chicken out in little ways the last couple days, I've picture that scene and deep within me the emotion it evokes destroys my cowardice.

I want to live boldly.
I don't want to fear death.




Thursday, July 23, 2015

the castle.


I rewatched the movie "The Castle" the other night.

It has to be the cutest movie ever made. The characters are so endearing. The father truly is the one of the most genuine characters I have seen on the screen. He makes your heart spill over with love just a little.

It reminded me what a movie can do. How much it can effect your spirits. Movies are great tools to access bits and pieces of bliss. Just as effective as a good meditation session, I think.

I highly recommend The Castle if you have a dry sense of humor and are hankering for some comedy.

It will lift your soul a little bit :)


Wednesday, July 22, 2015

new tunes I love.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

hannah montana is so 2011

This has to be one of the best things I've seen.
I liked this song, but the the strings!! and they attack it with such confidence.. even given the lyrics. hahaha awesome $$

Treat yo-self.