Sure, I want to get married and I do want to have kids. I want to scrunch their little faces and show them love and be a nurturer. But do I want that this very moment? No way. And if someone else did it would definitely freak the hell out of me.
Its because I don't see marriage as a vehicle to kids & "not being alone".
I want a relationship where I am honest and open and 100% genuine with myself and I want to be able to grow in fearless trust, love and respect. :)
That's what I want.
And then if I get married to that person and make little tiny people with them, that would be the shit.
Snow drifted sideways as the wind pushed it against window panes and street lamp lit doors of cars. The town was silent and slowly sinking into the dark, damp of the wet snow. Light from the lamp posts drifted up into the fir trees that gathered and pressed against the mountains. Footprints were slowly being filled of trudging boots that, earlier in the night, had walked back through the snow to be snug in the houses that lined the snow filled streets.
She had been miserable before, by this town and being away from the city and its lively energy. But now came the snow, slowly closing in.
The snow silenced everything. A sticky, silencing dew. There was that muffled fuzz in the air that damped everything even the starkness of the mountain ranges, covering them in beautiful pastel. The cars on the street swished by instead of their typical roar and yells to a person right next to you fell straight from the lips and stumbled into the snow.
She shivered at being here at the base of the mountains. She had loved it but now was too disconnect to see it the same way. Instead she resented it in its beauty. It felt claustrophobic. The snow's dampening effect also seemed to mirror and draw attention to her thoughts. Thoughts that were numbed by the time of each anxious day one after another.
She thought how beautiful the snow was. Why couldn’t she absorb that as well. The beauty. There were flowers under the snow, they were just waiting for spring.
What's the difference between charm and genuine interest.
Charm, she decided, was defined as anything that would get you into bed with him.
But.. don’t give out the milk before buying the cow was such a vintage statement.
Kind of made her feel like a commodity. Left some dis-taste in her mouth.
She didn't want to have to be bought before she could decide to connect with another human being.
She was anxious and scared and cynical and she had been all of the above all of the time. But today the parts of those thoughts that had touched her shrank away and she decided to think another thought.
What do I think about him? Not what he thinks about me, but what do I think about this person?
She reached out and grabbed his hand. His slid over hers naturally.
“You overthink things?”
“All the time. I just don’t let it bother me.”
She searched his eyes.
She separated herself from the world for a moment. You can’t control it. You can’t control everything.
Instead, what did she want? She asked herself.
So what if he sleeps with you and leaves you the next morning?
She thought of a friend who spent seven faithful years married and miserable. Itmight have been better to have slept with that one on the first date and have gotten it over with. He had proved time and again that was all he was capable of. Sometimes people aren't malicious, they're just stupid.
He had been a man who loved the thrill of the chase. Who wanted nothing more. Who had seen her friend as a commodity.
The moment he put a ring on her finger is the moment he thought he wouldn't have to lift his finger again.
She thought that she didn’t want a man who was only about the chase. She didn't want to arbitrarily decide when they had "earned" affection. She didn't want to feel "tricked" into getting him laid.
She wanted to decide those things. She wanted control of those things. She wanted equal share in pleasure and risk and decision. She wanted to be in the moment and take care of her own heart. She wanted a real relationship.
She also knew that if he didn't want what she wanted that she could leave him.