Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Focusing on Yourself

I'm not sure what this means.

I'm just stumbling through it. Making guesses. I think focusing on yourself means listening to yourself, being happy with just yourself, doing things that make you happy. But I guess for most of my life I have been listening to what others want and nurturing them to make me happy.

Its good to be needed.

But there is a lot of anxiety in that because who is going to take care of you?

I have decided that I am going to finally start truly taking care of myself.

So what do I need? That is a tricky question. I know pieces of what I need but not the whole picture.

I know I need calm.

I need to do things everyday for myself that promote calm. Things that don't just promote calm via a distraction but things that promote calm when I am at my craziest. Promote calm when my mind won't slow down. This has been helping me a lot to choose to calm my mind in times of stress. Chamomile tea, listening to Tallest Man on Earth, reading a good book (I'm attempting Franny and Zooey right now), keeping my room tidy and organized (a work in progress for sure). Becoming mindful everyday to my thoughts and actions by taking everything slower. Cooking good, nutritious food for myself. All these things teach me calm.

I know I need to do healing things.

Healing things are staying away from things that open old wounds up. I can't move on from the things that have hurt me in the past if I keep choosing them in the future. I know I need to take more time to think when I am making decisions and keep away from things that do not nurture me. Hurt, I have found in most cases, is not personal, that doesn't mean I shouldn't protect myself from it. Intentions don't work well here, healing and wellness is what I need around me.

I know I can't compare myself to others.

I can't do social media anymore. At least, not right now. When I look at it I am not paying attention to the progress I am making.. I am paying attention to what everyone else around me is accomplishing. Its not about other people and its not about how you appear to them, its about how you feel and where you are with yourself. Its between yourself and yourself.. and maybe God. But social media never caused me anything but anxiety and I don't need that right now.. I have enough on my plate. Progress keeps slipping when I start comparing what feels like small progress to the rest of the world, but when I stay away from comparing myself, I can fully realize how much crazy awesome progress I have truly made.

I need to do little things for myself everyday. Construct happiness.

Happiness is not something you can attain. It has been wise for me to remember that. You make your own happiness. Not by attaining exterior things but by changing your perspective on the things, love and tools you DO have. I have never been more miserable than when I have depended on happiness to come to me. Happiness is attracted by already existent happiness.

Come to terms with uncertainty.

This some times is the hardest for me having anxiety. Anxiety is the persistent voice that needs consistency and constancy.. but life is never that way. If one thing isn't going wrong, its another. Most of the time I have fear of uncertainty because I want to do the right thing and when there is uncertainty I am not sure how to. But something I ultimately need to remember is that it is not up to me. In the end, I am who I am.. though I am always getting better and smarter... and the world is what it is. I can't control it and I can't change it so.... I have to let go. That is really hard but its been the key to connecting with the people I really love and the key to be okay and happy with myself and others in the now.

This has a lot to do with mindfulness and not getting caught up in the how and why and when and where of tomorrow but focusing just on the day and what I can do better today. If I worry about the things that I am scared of or am scared will not happen or will happen tomorrow.. the possibilities are infinite and scary. Really unnecessary pain I end up creating. Mindfulness and sitting with the uncertainty and sadness really helps with that.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014


Today is Kandinsky's 148th birthday! If he was alive of course.  Kandinsky was always a mystery to me in school. As a part of my film production course work, we had to take a class on contemporary art.

Let me tell you I love fine art. I love it as much as I love music. I think that its because it is meditative. When you look at art or listen to music, the rest of the world melts away and its not as big or scary. Art can really move you to positive places.

Kandinsky didn't resonate with me. I didn't see what was so special. Of course, he wasn't as famous as Picasso or Monet, but I knew there must be something that made him noted.

This was my biggest lesson in seeing art with my own eyes. Picasso translates pretty well in photographs but I feel Kandinsky doesn't get justified. As part of our art tour in New York City, the fun part of the class where we got to go on a huge multi-day field trip, I saw a collection of Kandinsky's at the Guggenheim Museum of Art.

They grow on you with their warm palate of colors and vibrant movement. The colors didn't translate well to me in photos and the details were utterly lost. Also, I feel that Kandinsky's paintings deserve to be seen amongst a collection. Their detail and themes seemed to resonate against each other more than one painting alone.

Love one on my own wall if I could.

Happy Birthday, Mr. Kandinsky!


Friday, December 12, 2014

RE: Me

So, as most of us have developed personalities in our lives (except hot dudes in high school and babes in sororities) so I have been developing my personality the last 26 years.

Though I am certain the things I like: my favorite color, my favorite foods, the type of man I like, and my favorite wardrobe statement piece.. I still feel that I don't entirely know what I need. Things like: how I need to be treated and how I need to treat myself. That seems to be trickier.

There are so many voices telling you that to get the respect you deserve "you must do":


What if you don't do it perfectly and you get rejected? What if you aren't aware enough or in the right place to do it the way people think you should? Does that mean you "did" something wrong?

That is such a scary place to be. If everything on life is based on the minutia of every action you take... If someone would treat you a certain way because you did something wrong, then that implies if you had only done something different you might have deserved better.

But that kind of philosophy is too simplistic and destroys the ability to do for yourself.

Dress the way you want to dress, like the things you want to like, feel the way you want to feel and value whatever you want to value. Need the things you truly need and look for them where they are freely offered.

Doing those things for someone else won't change anything.

Doing those things for you, does.

When I feel no outlet for my feelings or my sexual energy, I find that, that is much of an excuse to feel angry, sad, and discouraged.

But nobody wants to be victim to those emotions.. not yourself and certainly not anyone else.

Yes, feeling a certain way is usually valid, but acting on it sometimes is not.

So I have found, that letting go is the only way to you will get what you need. However, it is not always the key to getting what you want in the moment. The secret is, knowing that what you need is much better.

Getting to know my personality and what I like is great... but I am realizing it is not enough for me. I need to get to know what my needs are and get brave enough to ask for them to be met or refine the people around me so that they will get met naturally. Because sacrificing your life to sadness, or anger, or frustration, or pain, or the pain of others doesn't cut it for me anymore.

I just want to be happy and carpe diem life to the fullest.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Life is too short

For all your over thinkers out there. (i.e. ME)
Life is too short to waste.

Life is too short to waste wondering or wishing.
Life is too short to waste time pursuing things you think you want and compromise things you know (intuition is a strong force .. come on you KNOW even if you swear you don't know) you need.
Life is also too short to work on things you have no control over.

Narrowing it down what is important to what I value, makes me happy.
Being able to take care of myself also makes me happy.
It really should be that simple.. if you are okay with you.

I do think a lot about how I want to be a filmmaker. But I also think a lot about how I want to also be happy.
I also think about how being happy might be more important.
And knowing whatever is meant to be otherwise will happen.

I want to be able to buy myself a new car someday and have the apartment I have always dreamed of. I also think about how many other things are interesting to me. Beyond the "glamour" of filmmaking, I realized I don't need that "glamour" and fancy story to write home about to like myself. I need to be a person that I like, not what I perceive as being a person other people will like.

I have, for a long time, been caught up in other people's values and what that says about me but also completely forgotten what I want and more importantly what I want to be in the present -- and where I want to be in the future.

Its how I am learning to provide for my needs. I deserve that.

I want to be fiscally responsible and work at a boring 9-5 job to do it. That doesn't make me boring. It allows me to do the other things I want to do in life which are exciting and make me feel secure enough to go for it.

I think I make life a little too much about others and so little about myself.. for myself.
I am the only one I can really know. I am the only one I can really make happy. I am also the only one I will be stuck with today.. tomorrow and in the future. And if I want to be able to give in that future, I have to be in touch with all of that.

A lot of that comes down to stopping the "wondering and wishing" and be more in the "doing and feeling". Its not a puzzle to be solved. Its kind of black and white.

Should be simple. Its working for you or its not.

But sometimes I want something to work so bad that I make it complicated.. or I wish that something that won't be, would just work out.

We are taught that ANYTHING you want you can have if you work hard enough.. but sometimes its best to be happy with what you have and the things that give you security ..things that don't ride on your self esteem all the time.. and have less constant and painful risks.

Not because you gave up on what you thought you wanted or what you thought would make you happy.. but because you are finally pursuing what you really need and what will truly make you happy.  Despite what you want, what you need is always going to be true.. and the rest will always going to work out if you are consistent and its meant to be :)

So, I'm going to slow down. Tune in. Live in the moment and the positive things it can bring. And be happy

Definitely easier said than done.. :)

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

More Independent Self

Life has many ups and downs. But for someone with generalized anxiety disorder, those ups and downs can effect you a lot more than other people.

I have an anxiety disorder and I need to get real about that.

Generally, I am too nice.. and too giving of a person. I don't think that in and of itself is bad but I think that I have slowly been trying to take care of me more. I have to start saying "no" more. For me and for the relationships I find myself in. To make them more grounded in reality and more real and filled with less anxiety and fear.

It also protects me from my anxiety. I have to stay in my comfort zone to some extent. If I keep doing favors for others and forget my own peace of mind I tend to be even more hurt by them and feel more regretful of them.

I don't want to put someone in that position -- and more than that, I don't want to put myself in that position.

I have a strong ability to make things more scary and worse in my mind. Something that can take advantage of situations where I am vulnerable and have to be open.

Sometimes I shut down and am emotionally closed off... other times I am too open and too ready. I need to find a middle ground.

I want to be in a mature adult relationship, but to do that I can't be always running from my emotions, even though they can sometimes be very scary.

I need to be able to not be afraid of how others feel too. If they like me too much, I feel like I will not be able to put up the boundaries that I need to be sane... and if they like me too little... I could get really hurt.

I guess what I am saying to you.. and what I have learned recently is:

I should be thinking I am pretty amazing for doing something so scary.. and so should you. Don't sell yourself short. I keep forgetting that its hard and you will make mistakes.

I think that anyone who has the courage to put themselves out there is amazing. I just need to remind myself that the fact I am being genuine is also brave in the same way.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Candle Obsession

There is nothing like warding of the smell of stinky house cats and marijuana from the people smoking next door, like candles! I swear candles can tackle any scent. Keep in mind, though, the scent will be dulled, warm, fire-y scent and not a strong piercing scent like room sprays or etc. (Which, in my opinion, is good)

Also, you want your room or your space to be yours the moment you enter it and candles are a really good way to claim the space. When I first moved into my new apartment and new room, it was a really good way to make the space my own.

Recently, however, I have noticed that there are a lot of fruity and a lot of flower-y scents in candles. Recently, this has been disappointing to me because I have been obsessed with dark scents and mysterious scents or warm and snuggle-y type scents which are harder to find.

Incense, bergamot, musk, amber these are scents that will evoke the European cathedral and the mystery of a dark forest. Exactly what I want!

Pro scent tip: Find out the note you are looking for. The scent note, I mean. A great way to do this is this handy scent note guide from Fragrantica. Its got all the scent note categories and scents within that category. Having the correct terminology can really help you find the right scent quickly.

Pro scent tip: Know which notes you like and provoke the right mood. Smell a lot of scents and see what is the common note that you like in them.. this will help you save money and time (and help you find the more rare scents not found in stores) by shopping online

Wanting to go for the dark scents too?

Here is my running list of brands! They are in order of most to least expensive. Diptyque you can find at specialty stores and at Nordstroms and it is renowned for its very room filling scent. (Its expensive at $60 but supposedly is worth it!) The classic is Baies which smells like roses, but light delightful roses.. yet they have heavier smells such as Feu de Bois which smells like a smokey fire. Nest has a dark botanical line of perfumes and you now can also get candles!! I found their scents at Nordstrom and a cheaper line at Target.
And Voluspa is the fancy candle for the common man. Around $20, they have a variety of dark and exotic scents.. lots to choose from! You can find them at Anthropologie




These fine etsy shops too!





And if you are on the cheap...

Bath & Body Works has just as strong smelling candles though the scent may be a little more chemical and it may be harder to find the more subtle smells. But they sell large candles for $20 and often have sales which brings seasonal candles down to even lower prices. If you want a cozy spot while you save up for the fancy candles, they are a good place to consider!

Friday, August 15, 2014

Notes on Life : Don't be fooled!

Okay, so there is somethings that I have been learning slowly and surely about becoming a woman. A woman versus a girl is savvy.

There are things that women do not do, no matter out outwardly cool it looks. They don't clutter their life with useless luxe products but they also do not clutter their life with cheap and poor quality things either.

Sometimes it is very hard to tell the difference because retailers are very smart about marketing and giving you what you think you want before you do the research and before you get a chance to be disappointed or under served by a product.

There are a few lessons I have learned recently that I would like impart to you relating to this topic.

First and foremost: Do your research but do it in the right way. 
I am finding that A LOT of blogs and websites seem to endorse products randomly. There doesn't seem to be one great product that everyone agrees with and most of the time it seems to me they are recommending products based on what is trendy or what they may have been paid to endorse. What I like to do is:

1. Research ingredients
2. Try products out myself to test worthiness. 

When you research quality and recommended ingredients those should be factors that are pretty objective in figuring out what you are getting. If a brand's logo is slapped on a product, don't always mistake it for quality, because they might be resting on their brand laurels. I don't always see a lot of integrity in brand products and in some situations the brand can seem diluted to make more affordable products. Seemingly affordable, yet you will have to buy 3 pairs of one type of shoes when a high quality shoe will last you the same length of time.

Trying products is also key. What works for you may not work for others and vice versa and the only way to know if a product (for instance eyeliner) has long wear is to try it for yourself. This can be something you can do without needing to buy the product so look for work-a-rounds whenever you can.


Recently, I went to the Dior counter where I was given a sales pitch from their cosmetic salesperson. She was all about pitching the expensive skin care lines. Now remember, Dior is a historic luxury brand with a long track record of well made clothing but don't get that confused with being the most amazing products for your skin. They will be able to put a high price tag on the bottle and the label Dior will look great on your dresser, but we want to be savvy not trendy.

She told me all sorts of things about the miracle properties of their skin care and that one of the ingredients even won a Nobel prize. That sounds impressive! But just because you won a Nobel prize for an ingredient doesn't mean that in another context that it does absolutely nothing for your skin. Along with the Nobel prize ingredient, the skin serum had another major ingredient of alcohol which is very harsh for your skin. The lack of pure active ingredients pretty much negates Diors otherwise "magic" ingredients.

One thing to note, if it sounds too good to be true, it is too good to be true. You can nourish your skin but you can't turn back time or find the fountain of youth. If you have super model skin, chances are you are eating healthy, getting monthly facials and do the basics of exfoliating, cleansing and protecting. The hard way.. not to mention expensive. Hm.. sounds more realistic now.

Instead, find out tested and true ingredients that are nourishing. For instance, Josie Maran's Argan Oil Serum is wonderful.. but the active ingredient is just argan oil which you can purchase on amazon for much less than the $16 her oil will cost. What you are paying for is the beautiful scent and the look of the bottle on your shelve. Some street cred per say.

 NOTE: I'm not saying all luxe brands are not worth the price, just make sure you know the reasons versus just trusting the branding and marketing in these cases. Josie Maran is a great argan oil... but that's why its awesome.. because its argan oil, not because it says Josie Maran on the label.

Same with fancy cuticle oils. Almond or Vitamin E oil will work just as well but if you want you can pay twice for it.

Shampoos and conditioners similarly. Here is a list of ingredients that you should watch for:


I was smitten with the idea of Bumble and Bumble shampoo (and it may be great! I never tried it) but then I noticed that it had sulfates in it! For such an expensive shampoo I figured it would have more sophisticated and healthy cleansers in it for the price but it did not. For me sulfate free was important and it has been evident by how much softer and less frizzled my hair has been since I switched to a sulfate-free shampoo. (Aveeno makes a great one!) You just also need to know that you need to replace the cheaper cleansers (such as sulfates)... with more natural ones (such as acids) or you will still be disappointed as your hair will not feel clean. Again! Know your ingredients. knowledge is power!

Another funny thing about products is that further I get away from brands and the closer I get to just solely the active ingredients... the more effective they seem to be. All the chemical fillers don't really do well with my skin (or hair, etc) and don't actually perform the job they are supposed to. That's why I tend to opt to the supplement stores or natural grocery stores to find the natural ingredients by themselves, such as almond oil, vitamin C serum, etc.


Ingredients are not just for cosmetics, they are also for clothing. A big part of why clothes last longer is the material they are made with. Also, the fit of the clothing is really effected by the material. I have heard people say that have one extra percent of spandex in their jeans makes them fit much better, so sometimes the ingredients in your clothes can make a big difference.

This goes for bargain hunting too. A deal is not a deal if the material that the clothing is made out of stretches out, wears out quickly, shrinks insanely or doesn't fit right. Shoes are a big one. Synthetic materials tend to not hold up and can cut on your feet. If possible, go for linen, wool or cotton clothing and leather shoes, they will wear better.

HERE are some quality check tips for clothes. Make sure you feel the cloth. Its pretty intuitive to know whether the cloth is quality or not. Check the inset of the zippers and that the seams are well constructed. High quality clothes will be more fitted and have more darts to contour to your body.

Don't buy things (for the most part) that scream trend, or if you do, feel free to buy lower quality in trends. They are bound to go out of style before you know it!

Something I do that helps me be on the look out for clothes that are in line with overarching trends and classic looks is I watch runway shows. I have a go too selection of my favorite designers and I frequent www.style.com to watch and analyze the runway shows. This helps you see what colors, fabrics and silhouettes are coming down the pipe (retail generally is slower to absorb styles that trickle down from the runway) and know what to be on the look out for when it become available.

Brands I use as a bench mark for level of design. When you see a brand name on the rack, it may not be quality or a good style for you to wear but its a good place to start because you know the design and styling will be current and on trend. (FYI not all designers can always manage the details on how their clothes turn out on the rack or are as knowledgeable about how cheaper fabric translates a design... so use your own judgement in editing their pieces) Being educated about good brands helps you spot good finds at the thrift store as well as know what to expect in-terms of on-rack to on body translation. Sometimes a dress that is flat on a hanger doesn't seem to have very much potential, but can look edgy and chic on your body. I use brands as an index for how much this may be the case. Go for the unexpected. It will be the most fun to wear the garments that are edgy but within your comfort zone, than clothes that are boring to wear and you end up avoiding in your closet.

Some interesting brands to be on the prowl to try out:

J Brand
7 For All Mankind

Tops, etc:
Free People
French Connection

Marc by Marc Jacobs
Kate Spade

Jeffery Campbell

Luxe Aspirational Brands:
Miu Miu

WARNING: be aware that most brands you see at off shoot stores and outlets like TJ Maxx and Nordstorm Rack are sometimes made specifically for that store. Those outlets request certain styles of brands to be recreated for them at a lower price point and to do this they use different materials. This doesn't necessarily mean the product will be poor quality. Remember: you are still getting that brand's design decisions and if you have done your ingredient research you will know if the clothing item is made with quality or not. It very dependent on each piece. Also, note where the item was made. This also can make a big difference. High quality versions of a brand might be manufactured in England or the United States and lower quality versions will be manufactured in Mexico or Korea. Just make sure to research manufacturing qualities by country. Shop smart and you make get away with a steal!

Part of research part two is that you may need to learn from your mistakes. Its not going to always be possible to identify good ingredients or what works with you before you buy. You will learn brands to stay away from at certain stores and fabrics that don't work for you. Take as many opportunities to try things for free though. Many luxe brands offer samples of their cosmetics at department stores. Perfume sample companies will send you luxury and niche perfume samples for you to try at a small cost (Surrender to Chance, The Perfumed Court). And consignment/thrift stores will allow you to purchase certain brands (depending on what you find) for a deep discount. The nice thing about pre-owned clothes as well, is you can tell how they wear and if there are flaws in a style or brand that come out after being worn for awhile. They are tested and broken in of sorts.

Mostly, have fun! You will have to learn about what you like and what works for you, so don't feel to guilty about spending money to figure it out. Just be savvy