last night was pretty glorious. I went to Nick Livanos' Seis de Mayo party and it felt like all those moments between the hard moments. you know, one of those moments you live for. for once I felt totally at home. so happy without the partying or drinking, other than just drinking in the moment, memorializing the year. something to remember in your old and gray age.
I listened to some Coldplay on the way back home. the dark night sky was illuminated with stars, which was perfect Coldplay weather.
I wonder if Chris Martin is as good of a husband as he claims in his songs. He seems to know love inside and out by the things he sings, but is he really that amazing of a guy in real life?
Spring love seems to be in the air. A lot the people that I recognized without a lover were there, in force, with one. People I'd never seen them hang out with before or even seen around for that matter. Mysterious to me, how it all happens.
A couple days ago I wrote an email to a guy named Nathan Phillips.
I met him as half of a group called "Choir at Your Door", the other half being my pretty good friend, Aaron Roche. He was really nice, you know. He was soft spoken and seemed interested in more than the mundane. Choir at Your Door lyrics seem to suggest that he has a heart in presuit of God, which is a most attractive aspect of an alternative guy.
He seemed really cool. Didn't think much of it though.. knew I probably wouldn't see him ever again. Then I get this message from Aaron, telling me that he and I should be better friends. Which also led me to getting his email.
I don't know what's meant to happen with anything. It always seems, however, that I always miss windows of oppurtunity.
Looking up at the moon in the Seis de Mayo sky, I could help but think that this is the type of evening that should be shared with Nathan Phillips type people.
Taking another look at the people and faces gathered round, I wondered how many people push it, rush it. I want to wait for my best friend. and that will have to be person of certain sort. a sort not even probably of my expectations.
I sit under the front stairs of my house, the rain is lightly pattering on the tin of the stoop. I am eating leftover angel hair spaghetti and homemade meat balls. I am totally alone. Beau and Jodi went to North Carolina this weekend. And I am happier than I have been all four years of my college experience. : ) ahhhhh... 20 days in, guys, and the one thing I have truly realized is the most profound, yet subtle, (just noticed it) change that has really come about from throwing all my burdens, things I was carrying around because I though I needed them to stay a relevant artist or to not be a weirdo, on God. I HAVE NOT REGRETTED one day or missed out on ANYTHING I really cared about. God has blessed me to not be torn apart by it anymore. I have somehow, not just realized, but lived the radicalness that comes with God. Really alternative-ness and radical thinking. Challenging life to be anything but mundane.
The biggest thing that I have learn actually came from Tim Cofield. His profound words echo in my ears. YOU JUST CARE TOO MUCH. That was all I needed. Here I though I came to say something to him that might bless his life, but God turns it around and humbles me. haunting.
YOU CARE TOO MUCH. YES!
I think caring and compassion is good, but not when I come to second guessing who you are. You cannot let people toss you carelessly like the sea because you care about what the think.. because you want them to like you.
Jesus wanted people to HATE Him. if it was for the right reasons.
Not Peace but Division
Luke 12
49"I have come to bring fire on the earth, and how I wish it were already kindled! 50But I have a baptism to undergo, and how distressed I am until it is completed! 51Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division. 52From now on there will be five in one family divided against each other, three against two and two against three. 53They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law."
Crazy right?
but He said it.
He was the most radical of the radical. He wanted people to love Him for everything He stood for and He would rather have people be angry and pissed if they didn't.
He was so grounded in who He was and where He was coming from that all He needed was the truth.
He cared little about Himself and cared deeply about the big picture.
about love
justice
life
hope
joy
so THAT is what has been making me free.
to care. because that is good.
but about the right things.
not to dish what people will like, but to be true to myself.
because people can feeling that. they can sense it.
and I can guarantee that not everyone will like you for it.
I had to endure Ke$ha on the radio station but it didn't matter // blah blah blah that is all I here coming out of her mouth.
first of all, Pro Tools in the wicca of the Adventist world. seriously, I felt like a wizard or a magician or something. I used the little plugins and the volume and levels and EQ changed and left me with flawless, un-noisy sound. Dialogue sweet dialogue.
I also found out that my friend, Ben Norskov, is a flash wizard as well, and that flash with vimeo videos embedded in it is the second wicca of the Adventist world. magical.
things to finish up:
1. Digital Portfolio
2. Senior Project
3. Issues of Physical Science and Religion Reading
then home free!
the Village Market fullfilled the dreams of my heart today : ) I got some angel hair pasta, which I have been craving all week. pesto with baby tomatoes. mmm
its funny how I spend all day fantasizing about what I will cook for myself in the evening. I imagine the flavors and what I will add to the frying pan. I imagine and smell the spices in my mind. its torturous because I really am hungry! its like mental walking-through-the-grocery-store-and-wanting-to-buy-EVERYTHING.
nothing is more amazing than snuggling in a clean and comfy bed. mmm. well, maybe snuggling in it with someone else but that is of the future times my friends.
But seriously. what I simple pleasure is relaxing in a comfortable place. Reading a book.
Last night I was sort of desperate and pissed that life is so confusing right now! I don't know what I am doing, I don't know where I am going.
I gained a little courage when new and good friend Chris Stiles plan a road trip home across the great United States. All the amazing places to hit up! Zion, Arches, The Grand Canyon, Yosemite.. I told him I was really worried about where I was meant to be in life. He said to me that the first thing we were going to figure out, before all this fun madness of a road trip was figured out, was my mind being at ease about a job. He then encouraged me to apply at a rental house, maybe in Seattle, maybe in L.A.. wherever I would be happy. That was such a small gesture but it moved mountains for my spirit. Some one worried about my solid and complete welfare.. as a struggling individual.., definitely in doubt.
I decide last night that
A: I believe in love and that it can happen
B: If I believe in love, everything I have been taught makes me believe the only way to true love is through God.
C: If I choose God I have to work at a relationship, or I will be swept away.
It is our ultimate responsibility what relationship we have with God. If we know we want him in our life, we HAVE TO GIVE HIM EVERYTHING. and we know what that means.. otherwise it is very hard for Him to work and eventually.. we won't care about Him anymore, we won't need him anymore.
I definitely have seen evidence of this in my life. Doubts are always present. Nothing in life is provable. You just gotta choose where your faith will lie and leap!
Being in the middle only causes pain and torment for yourself and your soul. Its really all or nothing. Because in the middle nothing works. You can't know if you are truly blessed. You can't know if there is any true value..
So that means I have to chase it.
Its not a conversion experience, it is a conversion JOURNEY. and if you let it stagnate whether or not you made the choice to be a part of it, guess what? it will. Its choosing by inaction.
so no more for me! I going to try to dive in! get down to business! find love love love love
I listen to Mr. Rob Bell this morning, and he said that STORMS WILL COME. People will hurt you, things will fall apart, you might get cancer and die, but GOD IS CULTIVATED in your life with the express purpose to WEATHER THAT STORM. not to stop it form happening because God cannot stop the natural consequences of our sinful world, but to give us peace, to give us joy, and the strength and character to weather it. Of course, everybody is fine when things are fine and dandy, but the storm is the refining fire and lets us see where we stand.
powerful! (said with a James Brown swagger in the voice)
Today it is raining. This is good for me, allergy inflicted child. the Tennessee valley is so green and lush.
Today I went on Craig's List to find a road bike..
My Craig's List success story is my Marmot backpacking tent which I purchased for $100 dollars from a legit and really cool guy.. but something tells me that getting such an expensive bicycle in Chattanooga might be a dumb thing to do.
But they look so tantalizing // and running is bad for my knees of complex issues. being a woman basically sucks for sports because of our hips naturally turning our knees inward on themselves. gosh! and gross!
I can picture myself biking around L.A. in a fancy Cannondale, but I might have to wait until my first paycheck.. and who know where that is going to come from! and do I go to L.A.? Do I want to be there?
but as a good 7th Day Adventist, Ellen White teaches me that "Our bodies were designed for action, hence regular exercise is important to maintain good health (Ed 207)".. oh man! but she also said that pepper and mustard is harmful for your digestion..
///Pepper and Mustard
Mrs. White was opposed to the use of spices, particularly spicy peppers:
"Mustard, pepper, spices, pickles, and other things of a like character, irritate the stomach and make the blood feverish and impure."32
Modern scientific research has shown that these spices are not as harmful as once supposed:
Cayenne pepper - a natural pain killer triggers the release of endorphins, the body's "feel-good" chemicals. It regulates blood flow, strengthening the heart, arteries, capillaries and nerves. It is used by natural health care providers to treat a variety of ailments.
Black pepper - Considered the foremost detoxifier and anti-aging herb in Asia. Increases the release of carcinogens thru the Liver, thereby reducing cancer likelihood. Increases circulation and lowers blood pressure. Protects against liver damage. Is an antioxidant.
Mustard - Has been used by natural health care providers to treat fevers, colds, and influenza.
So maybe if I exercise too much it will end up being bad for me? Consideration in treking cross enormous towns by bicycle. but Ellen White also hates bicycles..
"In July 1894 Ellen White sent a letter to the denomination's headquarters church in Battle Creek, Michigan, in which she condemned the purchase and riding of bicycles."
"In 1894 the modern bicycle was just beginning to be manifactured, and a fad quickly developed to acquire bicycles, not for the purpose of economical transportation, but simply to be in style, to enter bicycle races, and to parade around town on them."
from
Reading Ellen White:
how to understand and apply her writings
By George R. Knight
a "species of idolatry" as she would say..
Well maybe having a fancy bicycle is a species of idolatry. haha. but its off Craig's List.. so how fancy could it really be..? and its not 1894 anymore, as I chomp on agriller with mustard and pepper on it..
its not what you believe but why you believe it. for me my heart sees Mr. Cannondale as nothing but an exercise in the freedom to roam (no pun intended.)
