unfolds

sorry I haven't written in a while.

I have been from here to China and back.. pondering things.

First things first is I have been reading this amazing blog by a girl like me.

She gives me hope.

She writes about love.

And about crying.

And about not being afraid to admit who you are.

So I am going to try to be that.

I have to admit that lately I long for intimacy.

I'm not really a "tons of friends" kind of girl.

I'm not that open.. that accessible.

I really need that one person.

They've made me feel alive.

They've made my feel utterly gorgeous.

Mind you.. most of the time I ignore my outer shell.

I take care of myself, granted. but I don't really radiate until

I get a boy around me. Someone to shine for.

Forget this bullshit about shining for God. God gave us people. People fill us with light because they bring out the best inside of us.

I feel kind of empty in one respect.

In another, I am working hard. Learning to embrace empowerment.

Embrace who I am and that I am going to be kick ass at filmmaking if

I have the perseverance. I am basking in the ability to congratulate myself

feel proud that I am doing well, without feel guilty about it or apologizing.

Because I am not consumed by it. I don't care about the success itself but

the power I would gain with it to do my own work. My own art.

The emptiness comes from the lack:

.. of the warm of someone's hand in mine.

.. feeling over their soft skin against mine.

.. the touch of their fingers through my hair.

I have learned that about myself..

And finally I love that

I long to feel "alright" about being sexy.

I don't want to wear a turtleneck so that boys don't get the wrong ideas.

I almost want them to get the wrong ideas. I want someone close to me.

I can't torture myself with things I wish I was. The pure of heart. I have to be honest with myself even as I respect all the people that surround me and who they are.

I don't want to end up with a sexless and frightened marriage. I don't want to

do things just "because". I don't want the church to manipulate me and twist the truth into controlling me and who I really am and who I really could be for someone if I would just go ahead and be it.

God is alive. God is the wonder I need and want in the world.

My morals.. the true grit of who I am is so valuable and I love

that base. I thank God that I don't have to live life from one numbing high

to the next. But life is ... but good.. is not as black and white as I thought.. you can't put it in boxes and label it like you want.

I know, it sucks..

Its messier than that.

I know now I don't want instant gratification. I have to build. But I want spontaneity. I want free love.. no strings and no ball and chain attached. I want people to hold their own souls in their capable hands and just enjoy the journey with them. I want to learn. I want to take chances and possibly mess up and have to start over. I want to know who I am so those mistakes don't destroy me. I want to stop reliving the past but dauntingly move forward. I want to make films. I want someone to fall in love with me. I want the rest of the world not to matter. I want to lose myself and then find myself and then write stories about it. I want to find God. I want Him to show me one true thing about life. I want my eyes opened so that it all makes sense. I want to taste and experience life. I want to pop the bubble. I want to step out of the box. I want to forget the rules. I want to live life and transcend its burden because I forgot it even was a burden. I want be with a man and not care whether we have to fight to make it. I want it to feel right. Honestly, I want to enjoy a relationship an intimacy.. without worry without guilt. I want to stop over analyzing life ever again. I want to be the rock that everyone counts on, and I want to do it flawlessly. I want to be on another level. I want to be able to breath. I don't want to feel watched. I don't want to have to robotically cross my t's and dot my i's..

This is what I have been pondering.

If I am being honest.

Remind me of this when I am 30.

Maybe I'll feel completely differently.