forgiveness.

This week, I learned how to forgive myself.
I know that seems like a selfish lesson, but its not.

I am interminably hard on myself. My standards are so high.
That might be a good thing, but that same attitude makes me also interminably hard on others.

I have also, historically, been a doormat. Not on the inside.
Inside, I have always been stubborn and feisty...
but the mantra of Christianity is to humble yourself and sacrifice yourself to love others.
So I did.. again and again and again. I cornered myself into doormat status.
And that feisty version of me hates that I allowed that to happen.

So now I have struggled to make space for myself. To figure out how to respect myself. To keep others from troding on me.

People who have done this all along aren't bothered by others missing their standards. They don't allow those people power or control in their life. They have enough inner structure that their spirit isn't effected and their decision making remains the same.

But because I'm not strong enough yet, I tend to sweep people out of my space violently. To show them my displeasure. I can be cruel.

I just watched "Days of Heaven" and there is a line in that movie that says: "We are all half demon and half angel." And my demon is that I haven't forgive myself enough.

I've beaten myself up so much for even the possibility of falling short of my standards.
Sometimes I have felt like a complete failure, toxic to those around me and like I have nothing to offer.
I've managed let no one be a human... especially myself.

So, I've realized that if I would forgive myself once and a while, give room for myself to be a human then I will love others better by being able to do that for them.
I truly will have something awesome to offer.