.:. Maya Deren .:.

Yesterday I went over to Missy's house. Missy is a friend that I've only recently really gotten to know. She is easy to carry a conversation with and very polite in manner. She used to date my good friend Ben Norskov and then something happened. There is always a point in a relationship where you either break up or get married and I guess their relationship didn't weather it. Missy likes darker more distinguished colors and always has had a fashion flare. Over a cup of warm Matte at Yellow Deli she revealed to me her secret dream of working in fashion and fashion designing. Of course, with my love of impossible dreams and the attempting of them, I encouraged her to team up with local fashion gurus and start collaborating and do what she wants. Currently she works at Bananna Republic, which, while fashion related is more sale oriented. Although, she does get a great discount, if anyone wants the hook ups. She lives diagonally from my old house on Sandy Trl. Her house is pretty much the mirror image of our old house's layout, opening onto a living room, kitchen spread and then continuing down a short hallway to two bedrooms and a bathroom. She lives with he bubbly sister Kelly, who is always laughing.

It was a big get together to feast on curry and catch up with everyone's lives. A good portion of all my old friends, that I hardly get to see any more where all crowded around laughing, talking. 

This was a great contrast to when I went home. Our home was quiet and empty, save my housemate, Jodi. When I got there my excitement threw me around the house. Putting some tater tots in the oven and popping my netflix, Short Experimental Films by Maya Deren, in the DVD player. Jodi tried her best but soon went to bed. I sat on the couch transfixed by the images. I suddenly realize that, again, I was all alone. No one wanted to watch Maya Deren with me, but for some reason that thrilled me and filled my soul instead of leaving me empty. I sat like a stone satisfied in this glorious moment, when I was doing what made me happy and I was exploring something new. Most of the films were silent. The images danced across the screen but the air became thick and tense. 

Maya Deren, is great with images, but some of her ideas confuse me. The plot lines of her films seem to be leading you somewhere but then end unsatisfactorily, in a way that you can't quite grasp. The imagery is really good though. The use of the camera to fool your eye, to clue you into her reality, is fascinating. She also plays heavily on juxtaposition, and making her thought evident by how she composes two images next to each other. One wonders how the other players in her films felt. This material was not common place in the middle 1940's and her actors probably had to trust a lot in her vision and the meaning she found behind them. Inspiration and ideas for my filmmaking endeavors. 

KICK it with EE CUMMINGS

in time of daffodils(who know
the goal of living is to grow)
forgetting why,remember how

in time of lilacs who proclaim
the aim of waking is to dream,
remember so(forgetting seem)

in time of roses(who amaze
our now and here with paradise)
forgetting if,remember yes

in time of all sweet things beyond
whatever mind may comprehend,
remember seek(forgetting find)

and in a mystery to be
(when time from time shall set us free)
forgetting me,remember me

-ee cummings

Sabbath Day Thoughts

I realized today that I need changing as much as any person. I need to desire better and better things. Before I truly met God through my friends Katie and Christa, sophomore year, I didn't care much about God. Theoretically I wanted to pursue a relationship with God, but I didn't give him much of a second thought. I wanted a genuine relationship but constantly was in the thought mode that God didn't really effect my life much and he was kind of a fairy tale. I realize now that when God comes into your core that your whole perspective shifts. You desire different things... you want different things. You can't force yourself to love something and be good just for the sake of it. You have to be changed from the inside out.

In high school I was so focused on my outsides. I thought that if I look correct people would make assumptions about by insides and give me a chance to be cool. Finally, through college, I have been working on the insides and now have come to the epiphany that I REALLY need to dig deep inside of myself and figure EVERYTHING out.

Why is love and kindness always associated with weakness. Love is the strongest thing in the universe yet it is really hard to genuinely love and not get trampled. Some people around me are extremely, extremely loving, and I wonder how they do it? How can they pour out so much of themselves and still remain strong? "I want to be strong in love which is stronger than death." (haha I quoted the Pope) I want to know if I am representing him right.. do people know my heart by my actions? Am I an unwitting hypocrite?
All I know is God is amazing amazing and maybe if I am filled with the love He has given me... people will take notice.

.:. Last night I had a lot of fun kickin it at Discoteca new analogue bar on the Southside of Chattanooga. I came back smelling faintly of cigarette smoke and I hope it lingers awhile. Discoteca was so much fun. I danced with Mr. Benton and played some cards with Mr. Ramsey. The whole night was filled with booming retro beats, mostly from the 60's but with some 50's tunes thrown in.

Most of the people there were super trendy and seemed to stalk the floor intimidating everyone with their fashion choices. haha.

I was there to practice my free bird-ism. I could breathe and I felt really happy. I got my game on. I flirted with men. Its such a relief to interact shallowly and understand that is all it is. Its genuine in the fact that we could care less about each other and so much easier than the impending doom feeling of being swept away by someone. Don't get me wrong, I would never lead some one on, or date someone for kicks, but everything up to and in-between is fair game.

The place is all brick and jammed into the corner of East Main, the two rooms that make up the joint are pretty big but as of right now, pretty empty. Discoteca has a lot of potential, however. Its fun and vibe-y and lacks the sleaze factor at a lot of Chattanooga clubs. No bumping and grinding here. .:.

// Back in Chattanooga //

.:. Last night me and Malcolm and Kristopher went to downtown Chatt-town to hang out at The Mudpie for 1/2 price night and hear some music. It was slightly sketchy because it had just snowed earlier in the day and the roads had melted and refrozen into a car slip and slide. I sipped down a couple of of glasses of sweet Moscato and listened to the music. Flipped through The Pulse and checked out the music and arts events. I felt at home. I felt as free as a bird. Chattanooga and me have definitely bonded.

We scurried out into the cold and slid across the hidden and terrifying patches of black ice to the car. We had one last mission in store. Tremont Street winds across the Northshore of Chattanooga before suddenly disappearing down the side of a hill. It is at this corner that David Benton's house is. 

David Benton is a web designer and Southern graduate who is in a "Teach Yourself CSS" book for inventing a new way to use the code. As discussed over the wine earlier, he has taken to a massively hairy look, befitting a manly man of his stature and his enjoyment of appropriate mountain man activities. His house is completely white except the door and the bright red porch swing. David was unexpectedly "treated" to our company. He probably would have rathered we leave him alone for we found him with Kelli, which was something not unexpected. The womanizer with one woman? We talked and laughed the rest of our night away. ..:.

God of Anger

I just had an epiphany!

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I was thinking about how God is portrayed as both a wrath filled God of the Old Testament and a loving God of the New Testament..

A friend of mine was constantly talking to me about his questioning of the Bible because it was written by human hands and therefore it was corruptible. 

I'm not a philosophy or a theology genius but what if that is the key!

.:. Think about it.. it happens even today! History will be written by the victor. What if the Muslim Jihad succeeded? Wouldn't they say and write that God had asked them to attack us and ordained their victory and blood shed?? What if the writers of the old testament assumed their victory was because God took a side? Or maybe they acted in the name of God and took his name in vain. 

Exodus 20:7 //  You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name. 

THAT is the 6th commandment!! Do not take the Lord's name in vain and don't claim his endorsement on violence. Don't say you are a Christian or take actions that represent God falsely. Don't take his name in vain!

God is love and love takes no sides. Think about the specific instances when God gave his people a plan of victory.. Like Joshua and the victory at Jericho!! That was God conspired and non-violent. Maybe we have to see the scripture in the context of the time and circumstance to properly interpret it and not lose the deeper meaning ... more thoughts as they come .:.

Hell Fire?

Today in World Religions I had a wonderful epiphany sponsored by what is probably going to shape up to be one of my favorite teachers, Dr. Saaman.

I realized again how much I have taken for granted about the Seventh-Day Adventist beliefs and feel again vindicated in my perseverance on the journey.

We tend to see God as both a loving God and a God of wrath and justice.

Many people have a hard time with the two ideals of God portrayed in the Bible clashing.

Most Christian churches believe in the eternal soul. You do not receive a new one and the one you are given lasts for eternity. That is how those churches have come up with eternal damnation, or burning in hell forever. Because if your soul lasts forever and it is sent to hell, it can never die but is stuck in agony forever. Dr. Saaman gave an illustration about a serial killer. A serial killer can kill hundreds and hundreds of people, but the worst punishment that he can receive is the death sentence. When a prisoner is being executed and he is subjected to even a little bit of suffering, as he dies, or dies slowly, people are angered because it is considered inhumane. How could the God of the universe torture us for eternity for sinning? If humans, who are imperfect and selfish can't stand to see a serial killer suffer, how could the loving God of the universe stand to see us suffer eternally?

That is when he drew our attention to the Adventist belief in the state of the dead. We believe that the soul is not eternal. The spirit that God gives us at birth goes back to him, but our soul and body go to the dust. We know nothing until the second coming. When he comes back again all people will be raised again and justice will be served. Those who have hurt and destroyed will get what they deserve. They do not wish to be by God's side anyway, they do not want or accept his love. How could they ever be happy in heaven?

Its like loving someone who doesn't love you... you can never make them happy by your side. Those people go back to the dust and the ones that love God have their souls recreated, blameless and unable to sin. We still have a choice, but we have already chosen to abolish sin by following Christ.

This is AMAZING! I am so glad that my beliefs are continually right with my soul. This means that loving God and His truth is not about a guilt trip. Its not at all about heaven per say. Its about longing for something better here and now and a connection with God that he wants to make last forever.

TRUTH

The truth.
I believe that the more we live, the closer it is possible to get to it.
And I believe there is one truth.
But a lot people remain purposely ignorant
because, once you know the truth
you have have to be accountable to it
and you may have to change

that is why there is so little truth around us
and it is so hard to really find.
and why any person, despite any appearance may not have it.

the priest in the pulpit may not have it

the rocker in the amphitheater may or may not have it

what are you going to anchor your truth to?
don't be fool by things that appear alluring and beautiful
but cling to things unchanging, consistent, and filled with love.

PORTLAND .:. where hipsters are as much of an oxymoron as the Chattanoogan celebrity. Because everyone is a hipster.. so its more like a mainstreamer. Its anti-materialism materialism, because they shop at thrift stores and carry around their used copies of the latest liberal novel but its still about outside appearances. I know, I know.. mass generalizations.

What was most amazing about Portland was experiencing it with friends. Little things are what become truly amazing. The light patter of rain on the dock as we race out to look at the glittering city in the rain. The taste of a small cafe coffee latte. The shapes of the twisting overpasses in the yellow lamp glaze. The smell of a million brand new sneakers. The bite of a northwest cold. Random lifts from friends across town. Bad radio. haha. And the final revelation that I can't move up there because there are no jobs.

My New Years thoughts on SEX

I have been thinking a lot about sex.
haha
I decided that I am the type of girl who will really be into it.
Also have decided that, that it will be one of the main compatibility tests in my relationships. Does he know how to touch me?
I know this is a weird topic.

I want my guy to be into sex and want it from me, but I think the reason I have never had sex nor want it liberally or promiscuously, is that the best sex MEANS something, and that is what makes incredible.

Guys think about sex all the time. That is all they want. -->

That is a truth, and I don't think that is wrong or shameful. Its totally healthy. I think the difference is: are they in love with sex or the person they are with? Do they want sex with any and every girl or do they want it with one girl more than anyone.?
I want to be the only one that will satisfy. I want it to mean something.

Same for girls. They want an emotional support, they want to be close to someone. But if you are just with a guy for that emotional support, it is just as wrong as a guy being with a girl just for the sex.

True relationships balance it all. The two people are together because they love and respect each other as people. They want to share life with each other. Sex, then, just becomes the strengthener in that loving bond and emotional support is just a perk of being with someone who you love and adore, that loves and adores you back.

I think that every girl or guy deserves this whole heartily. So maybe marriage is not the be all, end.. all but its called "making love" not "making infatuation" so I will wait until love happens.

Another God

I want to serve God. I want to serve no other, but I don't want to be a road bump another Christian, another star without any light... pretty much useless. The only thing I see in the people that shoot down my God and what I believe is pain... pain in my heart that I can't share Heaven, Hope, and rich life worth living. My heart aches... aches for those who drink, do drugs, and anything else to feel... just to feel. To feel accepted, to be something more than a road bump. Life will step all over you if you aren't any part of it. That is how I feel. I care so much about about people who constantly hurt themselves, yet I feel like I can't do anything,,, because I won't smoke pot with them... I won't go to drinking parties... they won't listen to me unless I am hammered, baked... because you must be an idiot to believe in something that offers something too good to be true. I feel so empty sometimes. I know that God can fill it... i know he can but then it happens all over again. I'm a rabbit in your headlights.
Pray for a new day...