my brother recorded and covered this : )

click here

today.

Today was a solid day. In World Religions we started to dive into Hinduism. Its really interesting. I want to know more about it but the teacher always seems to cut his information short either joking about how crazy the religion is or withholding information so that he "doesn't lead us astray". Well, I intend to answer all my own questions with self study. I think that the most interesting thing about Hinduism, besides it being the oldest religion recorded, is that it believes that all religions are the same religion in different forms. I find that I agree with them. There are a lot of things about Hinduism that are uncannily close to what we believe. I talked to my mom the other night about how I was having a hard time reconciling God being the way to a better life when "Christians" can hurt and "the Godless" can be the kindest people I know. My mom told me that anyone who has great compassion and are able to be completely selfless, those people are following God and His character whether they subscribe to Him or not. They may not take God's name, but at least they don't take God's name in vain. I can believe that, I can listen to that.

I changed a tire today! My tire went flat and of course it brought up all these stressful stressful thoughts about having to fix an unknown evil.. but I put the spare on myself!! I felt so accomplished. I got grease on my fingers! and on my jeans and I felt like a handy woman, or something..

Went on a long run in the sunshine, it was really gorgeous. The light was long this evening and it reminds me of everyday in the northwestern winter. It made all the dead trees a light up with a golden tint.

beautiful.

Who I want to be!

So I have made some decisions lately.
To have the life I want in the future, to meet the people I want in my future..
I have to live that way now //
I will search and search and search for what I want and never find
it because I'll be looking the wrong places.
cheers to new beginnings.
what will my life look like?

I sent this letter to Tim when we were deciding
what we wanted..

"I am looking for a home. Ever since leaving home, I have been searching for a person and a place that I can find again what I lost. I want to be able to feel comfortable, I want to lie on the couch and listen to the blues on a lazy Saturday. I want to read a book at the library and ring up huge fines when I forget to return it! I want to drive out into the country and listen to bluegrass or walk over ground where soldiers gave their blood. I want to sit in a church that is still and silent and gaze out of the windows. I want to play tug of war with a dog in my backyard. I want to fly to distant lands and see things I've never seen before. I don’t want to get wrapped in a cycle of going out every night, hanging out at night clubs and bars or going to big drunken parties."

I want this!! I need to be patient, I need to seek it where it is, I need to work for it..

The brick walls are there for a reason.
The brick walls are not there to keep us out.
The brick walls are there to give us a chance
to show how badly we want something.. because
the brick walls are there to stop the people
who don't want it badly enough. They are there
to stop the other people.

-Randy Pausch

Don't Bail; the best gold is at the bottom of barrels of crap.

-Randy Pausch

++ knowing human nature ++

These next couple of months are going to be super sobering. Not sad, not depressing, just sobering. I feel a little wiser by the world. I now know that it doesn't matter how good you try to be to others, they still will hurt you. You will be hurt. But that's life I guess, and its not really how other people conduct themselves that matter. All you can be responsible for is yourself and how you view yourself and love yourself and are good to yourself in the face of stuff like this.

This whole revelation has made me start talking more about life in terms of being able recognizing true value and happiness in the world and getting closer to what it means to be human, versus talking about it in the context of God. This scares me somewhat. It seems that, while true Christians do possess something unique, I also find that same unique love and selflessness in those that want to be good and know what it means to truly be human and truly create happiness. Some of the cruelest people have claimed Christianity as well as some of the kindest. So what does it really mean? I feel somewhat a drift right now. I want to cling to God because he has meant so much to me but.. it all twisted around now. The people that hurt... still hurt but they hurt in any context, Christian or not.. The principles that I find instilled in worldly but good and happy people are the same principles I find in the wisdom of Christianity. It makes Christianity valid, but also makes it seem less the bottom line for being a better person. I know that I couldn't have made it here without God, but it can't be just God alone, you MUST do something earthly to make a difference. If there is a problem and you know it, you can't scream at God to fix it and then sit there and make the same choices over and over and over. You have to be active for God to help you. Go to counseling. Get help. Pay your bills. Get a job. Its like hoping to win the lottery and screaming at God for not blessing you, but never going out and buying a ticket. There is NO WAY to win the lottery if you never get the ticket in the first place. God can't do everything for you if you won't even do anything for yourself.

So maybe I have to see God as not only offering the possibility of a better life but as something even more, so that in the face of these wrong doers, I can still find the value in what I believe.

+Closer+

"This is my day in the sun and I’ve got my arms in the air, my head tipped back like the hinged lid of a lighter.
Contrary to popular belief, I am not alone. Everyone’s listening.
All I see is the bulging gas above me and I’m shooting my mind at it.
I’m as close to God as I’ll ever be.
The people are tiny. They’re buckshot around my ankles.
I could kneel and run my fingers through them."

-Lucy Corin, from The Entire Predicament.



gorgeous imagery from cinematographer//director Ron Fricke
fav section after 6:29.. haunting
see full, uncutoff version // here.

Nirvana (Sanskrit: निर्वाण; Pali: निब्बान)

is the state of being free from suffering in sramanic thought. In Pāli, "Nibbāna" means "blowing out" — that is, blowing out the fires of greed, hatred, and delusion.

hehe >> plans are afoot

The More You Try

Man, haha, I'm trying to make my writing interesting and storytelling-ish but its been a while since my childhood obsessive writing days.. I read some of my posts and they sound super retarded. Oh, well, that's the point of this exercise. to keep writing and to keep getting better and better at it.
On the brink of a new week, I'm really, really terrified. This semester is scaring me. I don't want to be so busy that I end up just living life going through the motions.. but I figure that its really up to me to make it what I want..
let me at it! lets rock this semester

[[a tid bit for ya]]

Thom Yorke – The Eraser (XXXChange Remix)

Making Coffee with le press

ENJOY! .:.