// DEMO reel //

fav.

haha

per a conversation I had..

I like my boobs.
I like my boobs and like my face.
I don't like my stomach or my arms.
I like my freckles.
I don't like my ears.
I love my hair and my toes.
and my legs are okay.
..At least I don't have cankles.
I'm glad I don't have man hands.

And I think that is about where I stand with myself..
haha

new favorite person

georgia jagger

now I know..

that most of my fear of:

abandonment

rejection

losing my faith

defining my faith

heart break

career failure

loss of innocence

is

partially

just

a

fear

of

change

for its not that you can't:

move on

learn something

shake up your world view

accept others ideas

ask questions

dump his sorry butt and find a new man

demand to be treated right

get a new job

follow truth and accept new truths

let go

its

more

that

you

might

have

to

change.

the

status

quo

the

way

your

world

used

to

work

might

have

to

change.

and you might have to let it.

ignorance is bliss but its not a good enough excuse.

I think I will have to learn how to be

okay with letting you go..

from my fav..

from the wild and wily ways of a brunette bombshell

When you’re young; you don’t have to make smart decisions to make sound decisions. You’re still mapping the territory, so failure is the quickest route between idiocy and enlightenment.

These are a few of the lessons I wish I’d started learning a little earlier. I haven’t mastered them yet, but now you get a head start.

1. Consider the source. If you’re worried about someone who dislikes you, first ask yourself whether they’re an asshole. If you don’t like them, and they don’t like you, that’s not a problem. That’s a mutual understanding.

2. Get off the couch. If you find yourself playing hard to get, don’t pretend to be busy. Just be busy.

3. Don’t waste your time. If you have to play hard to get, move on. You’ll know when you’ve found a healthy relationship because it won’t confuse you.

4. When in doubt, shut up. Silence is a smart negotiation tactic, the best option when you’re processing how to respond, and always more productive than lying about what you’re thinking.

5. Don’t complain. Maybe venting makes you feel better, but letting off steam can also lull you into maintaining the status quo. Unfortunately, the status quo is pissing you off, which is why you’re whining in the first place. If you’re frustrated, turn that energy toward fixing your problems, not bitching about them.

6. Don’t obsess. Worrying is complaint’s ugly cousin. Either use that energy to change your situation, or relax.

7. Find an age-appropriate style. No one wants to see a 20 year old in beige slacks and a wool blazer. Buy trendy clothes, wear the slutty dress, do something ugly with your hair. Be part of your generation, so you can laugh at the photos later.

8. Be polite. It keeps doors open, lessens the potential for misunderstandings, and increases the odds of getting invited back to the beach house.

9. But defend your boundaries. When someone isn’t taking no for an answer, clarify what you want, and then respond forcefully. Being polite to someone who isn’t hearing you is naive.

10. You look good. There’s no such thing as the hottest person in the room. Everyone is attracted to something different, so just take those odds and run with them.

11. Being nice is overrated. In fact, “nice” is the least interesting thing someone can say about you.

12. Keep it to yourself. “She seems nice” is an excellent thing to say about someone you don’t like. Particularly in the company of people you don’t know.

13. Know your audience. When you’re telling a story and someone interrupts you, let them.

14. Let your passion shape your profession. You know that thing your dad says? “If work wasn’t hard, they wouldn’t pay you to do it.” Please. There are professional rock stars, astronauts, puppy trainers, and bloggers.

15. Sex is personal. Don’t bother with one-night stands if they’re not your thing, and don’t judge people for enjoying them (or not). Waiting to sleep with someone doesn’t make you an uptight prude, and jumping into bed doesn’t make you a spontaneous adventure seeker.

16. Focus. The saying, “what you’re thinking about is what you’re becoming” isn’t just chilling, it’s a universal law. Be aware of how you’re investing your attention – including your words, and your actions.

17. Cut yourself a break. Don’t offer a running commentary on your own faults. When you do, the people around you listen. Give yourself space to change your character.

18. Don’t be intimidated. World travelers are just people who bought plane tickets. Pulitzer Prize winners are people who sit alone and write. You can break the most profound accomplishment down to a series of mundane tasks.

19. Choose good company. Ask yourself if a person makes you better or drains your life force. If the answer is B, you’re busy next time they call. And the time after that.

20. Enjoy your body. Odds are you’re more beautiful now than you will be again. Ask your roommate.

a few thoughts

"It would be possible to describe everything scientifically, but it would make no sense; it would be without meaning, as if you described a Beethoven symphony as a variation of wave pressure."

albert einstein

so you think that you're a failure, do you?

well, you probably are.

what's wrong with that?

in the first place, if you've any sense at all you must have learned by now that we pay just as dearly for our triumphs as we do for our defeats.

go ahead and fail. but fail with wit, fail with grace, fail with style. a mediocre failure is as insufferable as a mediocre success.

tom robbins

"

to let go isn't to forget,

not to think about, or ignore.

it doesn't leave feelings of anger,

jealousy, or regret.

letting go isn't about winning or losing.

it's not about pride

and it's not about how you appear,

and it's not about obsessing or dwelling on the past.

letting go isn't blocking memories

or sinking sad thoughts,

and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness.

it's not about giving in or giving up.

letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat.

to let go is to cherish the memories,

but to overcome and move on.

it is having an open mind

and confidence in the future.

letting go is learning and experiencing and growing.

to let go is to be thankful for the experiences that

made you laugh, made you cry, made you grow.

it's about all that you have, all that you had,

and all that you will soon gain.

letting go is having the courage to accept change,

and the strength to keep moving.

letting go is growing up.

it is realizing that the heart can sometimes

be the most potent remedy.

to let go is to open a door,

and to clear a path and set yourself free. "

unknown

unfolds

sorry I haven't written in a while.

I have been from here to China and back.. pondering things.

First things first is I have been reading this amazing blog by a girl like me.

She gives me hope.

She writes about love.

And about crying.

And about not being afraid to admit who you are.

So I am going to try to be that.

I have to admit that lately I long for intimacy.

I'm not really a "tons of friends" kind of girl.

I'm not that open.. that accessible.

I really need that one person.

They've made me feel alive.

They've made my feel utterly gorgeous.

Mind you.. most of the time I ignore my outer shell.

I take care of myself, granted. but I don't really radiate until

I get a boy around me. Someone to shine for.

Forget this bullshit about shining for God. God gave us people. People fill us with light because they bring out the best inside of us.

I feel kind of empty in one respect.

In another, I am working hard. Learning to embrace empowerment.

Embrace who I am and that I am going to be kick ass at filmmaking if

I have the perseverance. I am basking in the ability to congratulate myself

feel proud that I am doing well, without feel guilty about it or apologizing.

Because I am not consumed by it. I don't care about the success itself but

the power I would gain with it to do my own work. My own art.

The emptiness comes from the lack:

.. of the warm of someone's hand in mine.

.. feeling over their soft skin against mine.

.. the touch of their fingers through my hair.

I have learned that about myself..

And finally I love that

I long to feel "alright" about being sexy.

I don't want to wear a turtleneck so that boys don't get the wrong ideas.

I almost want them to get the wrong ideas. I want someone close to me.

I can't torture myself with things I wish I was. The pure of heart. I have to be honest with myself even as I respect all the people that surround me and who they are.

I don't want to end up with a sexless and frightened marriage. I don't want to

do things just "because". I don't want the church to manipulate me and twist the truth into controlling me and who I really am and who I really could be for someone if I would just go ahead and be it.

God is alive. God is the wonder I need and want in the world.

My morals.. the true grit of who I am is so valuable and I love

that base. I thank God that I don't have to live life from one numbing high

to the next. But life is ... but good.. is not as black and white as I thought.. you can't put it in boxes and label it like you want.

I know, it sucks..

Its messier than that.

I know now I don't want instant gratification. I have to build. But I want spontaneity. I want free love.. no strings and no ball and chain attached. I want people to hold their own souls in their capable hands and just enjoy the journey with them. I want to learn. I want to take chances and possibly mess up and have to start over. I want to know who I am so those mistakes don't destroy me. I want to stop reliving the past but dauntingly move forward. I want to make films. I want someone to fall in love with me. I want the rest of the world not to matter. I want to lose myself and then find myself and then write stories about it. I want to find God. I want Him to show me one true thing about life. I want my eyes opened so that it all makes sense. I want to taste and experience life. I want to pop the bubble. I want to step out of the box. I want to forget the rules. I want to live life and transcend its burden because I forgot it even was a burden. I want be with a man and not care whether we have to fight to make it. I want it to feel right. Honestly, I want to enjoy a relationship an intimacy.. without worry without guilt. I want to stop over analyzing life ever again. I want to be the rock that everyone counts on, and I want to do it flawlessly. I want to be on another level. I want to be able to breath. I don't want to feel watched. I don't want to have to robotically cross my t's and dot my i's..

This is what I have been pondering.

If I am being honest.

Remind me of this when I am 30.

Maybe I'll feel completely differently.