weary

Today my soul feels exhausted.
I don't know. Its a satisfied soul but I feel like its been fighting.
Its been through quite a battle.
Time is what I need. Time to heal and recoup.

I thought about innocence. A lot people think I'm innocent and probably naive. I can't say agree with them. Sure, I'm innocent, but I'm innocent by choice. I know the alternatives. I know what could be.

I've thought a lot about the value of accountability. Being able to take responsibility for one's actions. I haven't experienced a lot of things. I don't do those things because I want to only be accountable to actions I'm comfortable with. There are two worlds out there, a reality were people see you by what you are accountable to and a fantasy world that assumes it doesn't matter.

Last night, I went to John McLeod's sculpture show. I felt like I shouldn't be there. Like I wasn't allowed, like these were friends on loan to me and now I have to give them back. Like I had no right to be there.

I had so much fun though. I knew half the people in the room and respect them and felt loved and respected by them in return.

Its stupid. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her.

Mia Bergeron is someone that I don't know except through shadows of what I've heard, but she seems like a really interesting and nice person.

She is suave, she is a woman, she paints, she is really pretty.

I remember seeing those girls at the bar at Mudpie and feeling inadequate.. now here is what I wish I was. I have always painted and loved painting, if I were to do anything other than film, it would be fine art. My mom is a painter, all her friends are painters. I could be a Mia, but I'm not. I'm passionate about film, like she is passionate and talented at painting..

I wanted to go up to her and shake her hand and introduce myself and talk about France and art and working as an artist in Chattanooga, but I was stung by her. Immensely heavy hearted, hurt. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be hovering. The only problem is I'm really not, and its not my fault.

I just have so say.. so that you don't think I am emo or something -- I know I am amazing and that you will never find another Sahale in the whole world, if you were to search and search. I know that I deserve that room full of smiles, but its hard to deal with the falsehoods, the half truths and even more -- the honest truth. To any one person I could be of no interest, I could be just like any other girl, but to one person I could be everything. Please don't confuse me with that girl, because I will believe your beautiful lies.

Not everyone will see what is special in me with Mia Bergeron's roaming the earth, but its so hard when someone makes you believe that they are that person, that one person, only to find out that you weren't that person to them.. or the feeling of your heart on blocks as the person they seemed to be disappears. I know its partially my fault for falling in love so fast and not guarding my heart but its so hard to trust them after that. There is nothing I can do about that reality. I'd like to believe that just because you are dating a person doesn't mean they are that special to you, ..but if I say that I have to say that I probably wasn't anything special either.

this my version haha--->

The LOVE Language - Manteo&&Providence from Marja Kuivisto on Vimeo.