On being single

I have been listening to a lot of Beyonce.

That is what single means apparently.

Especially when the one you loved is with someone else. It hurts.

And only Beyonce seems to know how much.


Been trying to be productive. Working on my video reel. Everything I have ever made, I dislike. I don't like one thing I have made anymore.

Its not a great feeling

Its okay though! Because I am on a journey of ultimate pursuit. Its progress toward the goal. To be great, on some level. Unforgetable. Not for applause. Whether or not there is an audience. Fearlessly and bravely forward.

I do have baggage right now. I am willing to admit it. But that is always the way it is, if we are honest about it. Being honest with yourself about where you are at is different depending on if you know you will always be that way or if you are going to make a change.

I want to make a change.

But I have to be honest with myself.

I have never been truly emotionally available with my relationships.

Okay, I know that now. I have shut down any truly intimate moment. Or maybe I never got comfortable enough with someone to be intimate. I would love to think that is true. But I could work more on the capacity to be intimate with someone.

Maybe its that I don't really trust guys. When I gave my heart to my first love, my innocent naivety was a perfect zone for ultimate destruction of trust. Absolute trust in someone who isn't trustworthy is a recipe for disaster.

So now I am taking the time to make it right.

I'm optimistic.

I've forgiven the boy that hurt me. I've forgiven myself.

Life is a journey. With some time.. I'm sure I'll get there.