Focusing on Yourself

I'm not sure what this means.

I'm just stumbling through it. Making guesses. I think focusing on yourself means listening to yourself, being happy with just yourself, doing things that make you happy. But I guess for most of my life I have been listening to what others want and nurturing them to make me happy.

Its good to be needed.

But there is a lot of anxiety in that because who is going to take care of you?

I have decided that I am going to finally start truly taking care of myself.

So what do I need? That is a tricky question. I know pieces of what I need but not the whole picture.

I know I need calm.

I need to do things everyday for myself that promote calm. Things that don't just promote calm via a distraction but things that promote calm when I am at my craziest. Promote calm when my mind won't slow down. This has been helping me a lot to choose to calm my mind in times of stress. Chamomile tea, listening to Tallest Man on Earth, reading a good book (I'm attempting Franny and Zooey right now), keeping my room tidy and organized (a work in progress for sure). Becoming mindful everyday to my thoughts and actions by taking everything slower. Cooking good, nutritious food for myself. All these things teach me calm.

I know I need to do healing things.

Healing things are staying away from things that open old wounds up. I can't move on from the things that have hurt me in the past if I keep choosing them in the future. I know I need to take more time to think when I am making decisions and keep away from things that do not nurture me. Hurt, I have found in most cases, is not personal, that doesn't mean I shouldn't protect myself from it. Intentions don't work well here, healing and wellness is what I need around me.

I know I can't compare myself to others.

I can't do social media anymore. At least, not right now. When I look at it I am not paying attention to the progress I am making.. I am paying attention to what everyone else around me is accomplishing. Its not about other people and its not about how you appear to them, its about how you feel and where you are with yourself. Its between yourself and yourself.. and maybe God. But social media never caused me anything but anxiety and I don't need that right now.. I have enough on my plate. Progress keeps slipping when I start comparing what feels like small progress to the rest of the world, but when I stay away from comparing myself, I can fully realize how much crazy awesome progress I have truly made.

I need to do little things for myself everyday. Construct happiness.

Happiness is not something you can attain. It has been wise for me to remember that. You make your own happiness. Not by attaining exterior things but by changing your perspective on the things, love and tools you DO have. I have never been more miserable than when I have depended on happiness to come to me. Happiness is attracted by already existent happiness.

Come to terms with uncertainty.

This some times is the hardest for me having anxiety. Anxiety is the persistent voice that needs consistency and constancy.. but life is never that way. If one thing isn't going wrong, its another. Most of the time I have fear of uncertainty because I want to do the right thing and when there is uncertainty I am not sure how to. But something I ultimately need to remember is that it is not up to me. In the end, I am who I am.. though I am always getting better and smarter... and the world is what it is. I can't control it and I can't change it so.... I have to let go. That is really hard but its been the key to connecting with the people I really love and the key to be okay and happy with myself and others in the now.

This has a lot to do with mindfulness and not getting caught up in the how and why and when and where of tomorrow but focusing just on the day and what I can do better today. If I worry about the things that I am scared of or am scared will not happen or will happen tomorrow.. the possibilities are infinite and scary. Really unnecessary pain I end up creating. Mindfulness and sitting with the uncertainty and sadness really helps with that.