I hurt. I love. I want to be loved. I have old wounds that I am working on and I don't always say the right thing or do the right thing in the moment.
But overall, I know that I am a good person.
My tendency is to immeadiately assume that when I make a mistake, I am broken. I know on some level that is not true, but I truly internalize it anyway and there can be a lot of shame associated with that. I've felt that sometimes that you shouldn't even try to interact with life until you are completely ready, lest you make a fool of yourself or accidentally hurt someone.
This is not true. This is a pattern that I need to stop. This negative self talk and inability to make mistakes hurts me every time I engage in it. Because, I am realizing, that part of loving yourself is knowing that despite your mistakes you are good person. If you don't have faith in that and move beyond your mistakes and do better the next time -- persevere because you know that you are allowed to make mistakes -- you aren't loving yourself or giving yourself grace.
I need to make mistakes. I need room to get messy. I need space to experiment because I have never given myself that grace until now.
And I DO make mistakes. I am not perfect. I ask not to be judged so I must try not to judge myself.
I made some mistakes recently and have fallen into a deep anxiety and guilt session. After wallowing, I realized that I can't do this to myself anymore. I can't kill myself over every imperfection. I can't not eat for 5 days and expect to feel loved. Because I'm not taking care of myself. I'm starving and unhappy and unloved not because someone else isn't loving me, but because I am not taking care of myself.
Every time I do things like this I forget to take responsibility for myself. I ask the world to figure it out for me and I put myself in a position of repeating my mistakes because I start to think that there is an essential flaw inside of me.
Instead, I should see it as exciting. As a discovery of who I am. I am a mess. A glorious mess of humanity! Who is learning to be better, want better, love better.
I need to bare this side of me too because I want to be loved for who I am at my worst not who I am at my best. I want some one to be endeared by the flaws in me and not just what I can do for them. How can they do that when I won't show myself to them?
I think most of all I am proud of myself for being willing to make mistakes. Something I have never done before. I think it is actually an exercise in knowing my value to make space to make mistakes and not let it affect my worth.
I mean, it seems like it shouldn't be that big of deal, but for me it has been.
Sometimes the smallest things can make the biggest difference.
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