Focused on myself.

I think I finally am getting the hang of focusing on myself.

Everyone has goals and mine have always been tangible. I could show someone what I had accomplished. This made it feel praise worthy.

But recently my goals have been decidedly inward. More about doing internal work. This is really for myself because it truly is for no one but me. No one will see the impact, there won't be any praise. I am hoping that I will just feel better and be stronger.

Mostly, I am trying to attend to my emotional needs. Stand up and say what I need and have my own back in those situations so that I can be strong. Also communication, communication, communication. I have been communicating as much as I can and as often as I can and I have not regretted it. I will learn how to move through conflict and I will learn how to lower the stakes and realize the more upfront I am at the beginning the more I will get what I need. And also not hurt others in the process.

Anxiety has been plaguing me too and I have upped my medication and promised myself that I will stick to it. I will take my meds everyday because I know that is taking care of myself. I also am considering talking to a psychiatrist to tweak my meds and to see if there is anyway of pinpointing my anxiety disorder and figuring out how to treat it better.

Friendships are becoming so important. I have been trying to skate by on the shallow because its hard to be open and honest with yourself and in that process be authentic and make strong and durable connections with others. But true and deepening friendship are helping me do this and have the courage to do this. They are teaching me that communicating with someone who cares about you will never hurt. That people do not abandon you when you need them. And there are people who look deeper and see value in the things you have cultivated that aren't on the surface.

On the outside, I am losing weight and working on my acne. I know that both of these issues have been there because of the stress I have put on myself to be perfect. The more I let go and not stress eat and get motivated enough to exercise, the more that the weight falls off naturally. I have gone from 167 lbs to 142 lbs and counting. My goal weight is 135 but maybe I can make it to 130. The acne I have been battling for so long is finally starting to fade. I have found a skin care regime that seems to be tough enough to do that job but also gentle enough for my skin. Winning!!

Lastly, I am trying to make my world more... mine. I have started to slow down and be home more. Clean more. Organize more. Pay attention to the little details of my life and not distract myself all day and let the little things that improve my mood fall through the cracks. That means more tea and more reading of books and tending to my little garden and generally hanging out with myself.

I have every faith that things will fall together :) But eureka! I am going to take care of myself well in the meantime!