On being single

I have been listening to a lot of Beyonce.

That is what single means apparently.

Especially when the one you loved is with someone else. It hurts.

And only Beyonce seems to know how much.


Been trying to be productive. Working on my video reel. Everything I have ever made, I dislike. I don't like one thing I have made anymore.

Its not a great feeling

Its okay though! Because I am on a journey of ultimate pursuit. Its progress toward the goal. To be great, on some level. Unforgetable. Not for applause. Whether or not there is an audience. Fearlessly and bravely forward.

I do have baggage right now. I am willing to admit it. But that is always the way it is, if we are honest about it. Being honest with yourself about where you are at is different depending on if you know you will always be that way or if you are going to make a change.

I want to make a change.

But I have to be honest with myself.

I have never been truly emotionally available with my relationships.

Okay, I know that now. I have shut down any truly intimate moment. Or maybe I never got comfortable enough with someone to be intimate. I would love to think that is true. But I could work more on the capacity to be intimate with someone.

Maybe its that I don't really trust guys. When I gave my heart to my first love, my innocent naivety was a perfect zone for ultimate destruction of trust. Absolute trust in someone who isn't trustworthy is a recipe for disaster.

So now I am taking the time to make it right.

I'm optimistic.

I've forgiven the boy that hurt me. I've forgiven myself.

Life is a journey. With some time.. I'm sure I'll get there.

Being a Woman

Being a woman is never so alive and vibrant as when you are in a relationship. 
There are some new things I have learn about myself in contemplation and thought about what has been going on in my life the past weeks.


I loved feeling womanly!

I may have ambitious dreams and goals but I love a man who can see me as old fashioned and womanly. I want to be able to be a empowered, modern woman without losing that traditional part of my womanhood. I love preparing a good meal or the satisfaction of a well cleaned living space (still working on that :/) And I love a guy who sees me that way. Not in a chauvinist pig-- women are beneath me way -- but in that they see me as a part of a team. I like the comfort of some traditions. It makes me feel loved and like I am able to give love to someone else too.

Being a strong woman can sometime mean being happily single. (wamp wamp) Its good to take a break, step back and realize that you are the one who gives you true self-esteem. You will never find that outside of yourself.

I love being able to give myself the love I need! 

Day by day I am learning that I am becoming a strong woman by loving myself. Road blocks and hurt are only a path to discovering that more every day.

So I am taking time to tell myself:

You are not only beautiful but you are radiant. 

When I am loving myself I shine, I am uniquely beautiful. Always opt to shine. It feels good to be your best self. Yes, many girls are pretty, sometimes prettier.. but strive to be beautiful in confidence without pride, compassion without doormat-ism (working on this), and love with commitment.

You are elegant. You have edge style and class. 

When I am loving myself my natural graces appear. I am edgy and dress with strength because I know I am a precious gem.

You are a strong person.

When I am loving myself, I take responsibility and embrace my work ethic. I have faults but I am going to forgive myself for them and work hard to be better. When I give myself grace I can extend it to others. I can be more compassionate while still having strength.

When I look at who I really am, I am a true gem. Someone just needs to truly get to know me to know my strength. And someone needs to recognize how valuable those traits really are. I don't need to compete with others to find my worth because I know my value.

All that all of this means is, you can trust me. I am going to construct a person that you can trust and count on absolutely.. Even if it means becoming brutally honest with myself about how I can improve.

I have my faults and I am trying to forgive myself and work on them extremely hard so that I can do that better and better.

Thank God life is a journey :) Even if no one can see or give you props for the journey you took, its no less worthwhile for the person that you become at the end.

Learning How to Love

So as you know, I am an advocate of love.

Though in my recent life, I haven't been as loving as I would like.

I wanted to be the bad girl. The one that would never get hurt. The one that would never grow attached.

Unfortunately, I did. I substituted assertiveness and boundaries with distance because of fear. Fear is the number one killer of love.

Though people can hurt us, yes.. We let them. And this is truly true.

Though I would like to rant about my broken trust and broken heart, I have to take responsibility for my part. No one really broke my trust .. I knew and I chose what I did.

Ultimately, its a risk you have to be willing to take. Smartly of course. But if I never took the risk, nothing ever would happen.

So I am content to be. I want to truly put my love out there. I learned my lesson about what I want. I really want a REAL relationship. A relationship with real love and real intimacy and I want someone who is capable of giving that back.

I need to become the person that I would hope to find.

What do I need to take responsibility for in a relationship:

Boundaries.
I need to know what I need and when I am not getting it I need to bring it up assertively and then back that up with actions. Leave a bad situation even if its hard. Be honest about it.

Being assertive makes others feel loved and yourself feel loved. You address the situation in a loving way for both of you. That way you both feel safe. They don't feel like they will step on you and you won't feel resentment and hurt. I regret not seeing this as being loving. I guess I didn't know what love truly was till now.

Assertiveness through boundaries will also help you stop the anger you feel at a massive injustice. If you are checking in with yourself and what you need, you won't hurt others when you lash out after "having enough of their bad behavior". You will have been assertive about those needs from the beginning.

Be Honest with Myself.
Words are good thoughts but I need to be honest with myself and others when actions are seeming to be in play. I should know what I need in situations, even if others don't.

Being knowledgable about yourself is loving because you don't hurt others with unwittingly being unable to be honest with them because of lack of knowledge about yourself.

Part of this is trusting yourself. I know and trust now that I will be a loving and solid partner towards someone. I trust that I will be more careful with my words, nurture and honor someone.

The Trust Others Put in You is Very Valuable.
The fact that they are with you is a big statement in trust. They trust you with their time, their heart, their thoughts. This is a great privilege.

On some level, I knew this to be true but now I really see it. Be careful with someone's heart and your own heart. Nurture others and give them a safe place to be themselves. Beyond honoring their trust on big issues such as never cheating... be communicative, don't put them down (even when frustrated), listen to their thoughts, thank them for what they are giving you, and expect the same.

Take Responsibility. 
This is a reminder. When something does wrong, I usually always take the blame. Don't take the blame! Take responsibility for your part. This should not be not a huge critique you should feel bad about. The ending of a relationship gives you a chance to think about things very objectively. You might be doing well, but you could always be better.

Identify where you can take responsibility and learn from your actions. Its a great opportunity, though very painful. Haha I can sympathize with you there.

Small Thinking.

1 Corinthians 13:11

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

I've been thinking about this for a while. 

And I've been thinking especially how this manifests different than I would have ever thought.

Most of all in small people.

Being small equates very well with being a child. And when you speak and think and reason like a small person you are speaking and thinking and reasoning like a child.

But being a small person is my opinion is really just being a righteous person. I'm not talking about righteous in terms of God or religion..

I am talk about believing you are right all the time.

If you circle around your logic so much and rationalize (by very good logic) everything out so that you have mastered life.. 

Think that you can know who a person is in one conversation.  

That you have created a set of rules, a master philosophy, to break down and understand all human interactions.

If human nature and life is boring to you. Then you probably are righteous. 

You have limited yourself to be small, to be imprisoned

to expect exactly what you get out of people.

If you expect to use others you will be used.

If you judge others you will be judged. 

If you are hard on others don't expect them to be easy on you.

People are smart, they know a small person for what they are. 

You never will be surprised by people. You will treat them like the person that you expect and that's all they will ever be to you.

You will presuppose their actions to mean the things you wanted them to mean all along.

And this righteous looks to more and more like weakness.

But then there is faith and grace. What a concept! Now I finally understand.

While we think small of others. While we put ourselves in the confined box of judgement. Preconceptions of our agenda in the world. To control and confine our lives.... moderation in our life, faith in others and grace for who we are as human beings meld into something far greater.. and that is love. 

And love, dear reader, is beyond our control. We couldn't make it small if we wanted.

Never growing up means you never have growing pains. Never growing up means you never have to take responsibility. Never growing up means never taking any leaps of faith. Never growing up means never swallowing your pride. 

Seems likes a win. 

But what good is the comfort of wining so early in your confrontation, your battle with life when you still reason like a child?

Never growing up means never experiencing real love. Never growing up means never seeing life with truth. Never growing up means being confined, being alone..

So we can choose to see only what we want to. Criticize others when they fall. Only conceding to our agendas in life.   

But our lives stay small. 

Very, very small indeed.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,b but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

sorry for the hiatus! back with new thoughts soon

Linda Perhacs.

perfect. vera november - Our Last Night Together (arthur russel cover

Saint Teresa on Ecstasy .:. PART I

You probably know from one of my last posts that I am obsessed with Bernini's work: Saint Teresa in Ecstasy.

St. Teresa and I, strangely, seem to have so much in common.

And, in fact, I have somewhat of an obsession with all saints.

Being as I feel like they are fascinating people.
People who did things that should have gotten them institutionalize but instead they were canonized.

But in a funny way, they also represent something a little more innocent, a little more wonder-stuck about how people used to view the world.

Saints, especially Teresa, desired so badly to transcend the physical, or at least not to be imprisoned by circumstance that the intensity of that believe actually caused that transcendence. A will of the mind.

Belief is powerful.

Recently, because of belief in myself (thank you to a few folks who know who you are!), I have been re-inspired to create.

I am doing an art swap with a friend and decided to create my own modern interpretation of St. Teresa. It ended up being a self-portrait which somehow seems fitting. A saint less "in ecstasy" but more in the transitional disillusionment.

From our childlike state of naive idealism to a more realistic form of wonder.

That in between stage was such a power and important moment in my life.
Something I feel like I survived so luckily without becoming cynical.

So instead of a Teresa at the pinnacle of pleasure its a bored and empty Teresa.

Started with a series of self portrait photos:

Whhhaaaa! overwhelmed!!
(thanks alex thompson for help with the photos!)

St. Teresa was canonized partially because of her miracle of levitation that came with her visions.

My goal is to make a modern Teresa… hauntingly suspended mid-doorway.

Not in ecstasy but dumb-ed down possibly with some ecstasy or xanax.

Then combined into this: intensive photoshop process

photoshop file with test print

intentionally trying to create the fuzzy draft printing.. printing dots and streaks all included!

first sketching!!

Decided I need to create the Baroque/medieval gold look .. conjoining the past with the present!

While traveling through Europe the medieval use of ground-gold painting gave alter pieces a distinct look. These seemlingly delicate yet bold pieces that are so distinct it seemed to me as their techniques would pull a modern Teresa in to the reminiscence look of St. Teresa's baroque world.

went to Utrecht yesterday to find the perfect gold acrylic!

now to get down to work on phase II! stay tuned!

St. Teresa art makin music

1. Sidewalk Safari - Chairlift
2. Will Do (XXXchange Dancehall Remix) - TV on the Radio
3. Hold On (Live on KEXP) - Alabama Shakes 
4. Blow it Up - The Vaccines
5.  Doo Right - Man Man
6. Nothing in the News -  Damien Jurado
7. Normal Song - Perfume Genius
8. Wait - Airhead
9. Sayso - Evy Jane
10. Wildfire - Sbtrkt (feat. Little Dragon)
11. For a Fool - The Shins
12. BB Bleu - Kid A
13. I'm God - Clams Casino
14. S'cooled - Blood Orange
15. What You Were (live version) - The Drums
16. Lonesome (Live on KEXP) - Dr. Dog
17. The Leavers Dance - The Veils
18. On and Ever Onward - Dirty Projectors + Bjork
19. I'm On Fire (Bruce Springsteen Cover) - Chromatics
20. Hands - Alpine

(youtube playlist of songs below)

Jong Ro

Louis le Brocquy

Meaning and Sahale

look what I found.