this is an amazing aspiration

Reading C.S. Lewis' "The Four Loves" and found this amazing thought. 

New Readings: Choke

Walle - Festivus

Found this on an old mix from a friend :)

Good listening!


Wale - Festivus

pom pom

 

Wore my pom pom earrings from Paris this morning for the first time

I think they intimidated me haha

5 years

I have learned A LOT the last 5 years I have been out of college and in the real world.

(I can't even believe it has been that long)

I have dated a lot, I have had sex for the very first time, I have tried to love.. but I don’t think I’ve been in love.

I had a horrible job that hurt me and took the life out of me. It was a job that started so great but I put hours and hours into it without “getting better”. I crawled out of that year by breaking up with someone I was certain loved me but who was treating me terribly and quitting a whole career path I was sure I would take.

I spent 3-4 weeks in bed watching Law and Order, crying, because of the pain and anguish caused by these two hurts. I spent nearly a year getting over that pain enough to cope.

I know that sacrificing yourself for a job is not worth it. Ever. Hard work is great but compromising who you are: not good. Work doesn’t care about YOU. I learned that trying to save someone from their own demons does not work in a relationship. Ever. And to give respect, you have to give space and let them fly free and learn and grow in ways you might not understand but are exactly the love they need.

I found out I have an anxiety disorder. I went to therapy for a year and have been on medication. I am taking responsibility for my anxiety and I am not letting it mess with my life.

I had my mom die. She was so sick for so long before it happened. And it happened peacefully. But it was and still is so weird. And there is such a hole in my heart over it. I learned not to put anything off assuming you can have it later.

In all this, I found that I am the only one who truly can care what happens to me. I am the only one who can truly take care of myself. My choices determine what I get out of life and where I am headed. I need to be truly independent and commit to that so that I can embrace the joy that is underlying all the pain that I have felt. 

I want to be around people who are open and authentic and share their real self. Because I am so tired of editing myself. And I really am tired of too much time dedicated to past pain. I want to be around others who are supporting and understanding each other so that they can move thorough it and not remain stuck.

I want a new relationship with God that is not about self sacrifice or about self hatred or a diminishing of the self. I want a relationship with God that is focused on self compassion and love and a giving back of that love to others. I want to feel enlivened by my faith in God and universe instead of downtrodden and falling short. I want to focus on the spirituality I believe in and kind of world I want to be a part of. 

I have learned a ton. 

And I undervalue that. 

I want to hear and understand others’ thoughts and opinions but I can’t discount mine own .. because I have gone through the fire and do have knowledge because of that.

Not because I think I know everything but precisely because I know that I know nothing.

I strive to learn more because I know I can always grow.

some inspirations

sunshine is coming.

the best.

CS to the Lewis

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

"Our job is to love people. When it hurts. When it's awkward. When its uncool and embarrassing. Our job is to stand together, to carry the burdens of one another and to meet each other in our questions."

-Jamie Tworkowksi

"Everybody talks about wanting to change things and help and fix, but ultimately all you can do is fix yourself. And that's a lot. Because if you can fix yourself, it has a ripple effect."

-Rob Riener

Looping

I love having people around who act on their feelings and don't overanalyze themselves.

Mostly because I am preeeetttty bad at that.

So it always gives me joy to hear a comment from a genuinely horny guy or a straight up pissed off girl. Its so purest! And it actually makes me happy and relieved in some ways that its so surface and upfront.

They are who they are. They don't a darn crap what you think about it. They will even probably laugh with you about it when you call them on it.

Today I want to be more like that. Instead of looping my thoughts or having to be perfect or even "good", I want to be right up front, straight honest to everyone and anyone.

Looping my thoughts and wondering how I could be better is a one way trap to misery.

You can ALWAYS do better. So I will do better but be okay with where I am now too.

Thoughtfulness is good when embraced in a healthy way. But it also should contain a does of reality and a dose of finally-just-shut-up-brain-and-act-on-it. :)

 

Don't get stuck in a feedback loop of DOOM!

Emotions.

I have been realizing that emotions are incredibly important. Incredibly.

Forever I have tried to avoid them so that I didn't have to appear weak, or sad, or angry. I didn't want anything to show its affect on me.

But I have found that holding my emotions at bay has also not allowed true joy or happiness or a connection to real love to form.

Joy is not real without the genuine sadness of loss or standing up for what you believe in through anger.

When I was in middle school I was a total grump. I was never happy. There was nothing to be happy about. I felt trapped in a world where nothing I wanted was happening.
This, of course, did not win me friends or any points towards deeper relationships.
My attitude improved over time and I was able to find the good in everything around me. Even if it was just one small thing that was interesting and amazing to me, I would find it.

 

But looking back, I know that I was grumpy because of my lack of acceptance for my negative emotions which manifested into something worse. I didn't want to feel the discomfort and likewise I didn't really want to feel any joy. I was so discontent with having to constantly push my bad emotions to the side that there was no reason to feel happy. I just wanted to be pissed that things weren't going my way.

My inability to see my emotions for what they were and give myself the space to feel them capped my ability to connect with anything. I see that now.
 
It is true, however, that when you allow your emotions space, you also have to connect with uncomfortable feelings.

That is just life. There is a constant ebb and flow and nothing is going to be one hundred percent positive all the time or it is not anchored in reality.

This is where I get scared.

I fear that I cannot hold the discomfort and the bad emotions. Or if I can that I will have to deal with them all alone. (PS. when I felt this way, I got a therapist. Then you don't have to be alone while you work through this stuff. :) Its a gift I gave myself)

I can't let them coexist and work through them. I just felt I had to jump to the next high of emotional joy. I had to be the bigger person and ignore the bad to be the champion of the good!!

Happiness, in this context, is such a dangerous word because it implies that you have to be positive and joyful all the time. Even when it is not genuinely how you are feeling.

For me happiness is morphing into acceptance. Loving yourself is accepting these feelings too.

I have found that this previous denial doesn't work long term. The discomfort is not your enemy. It is trying to tell you something. It also something that you will always have cope with if you want to be functional and have the things you want in life.


Sometimes you have to dwell with the discomfort. Become its friend. Accept it for what it is and not be scared of how long it will be with you. Invite it to stay as long as it has too so that you can really process and move forward.

Because emotions are what make life beautiful and allow you to connect to the goodness too. They help you appreciate the goodness when it comes because you have also lived and accepted the feelings that aren't so great.

Emotions also allow you to connect with what your needs are. When something makes you sad or anxious or angry, those emotions are just as important to embrace so that you can find what makes you happy too.

It helps you connect to something and know when its real love you are connected to.

The empathy you feel and the care you show other's feelings is a manifestation of acknowledging and taking care of your own emotions.

When I was simply grumpy, it kept everyone around me at a distance. Without an emotional connection there was no intimacy. Without being vulnerable no one could really empathize or care too much about me. :(

I am obviously just coming to this realization in the full sense of what it means. I am seeing how much more I have to learn about love and my own happiness.

Embracing my emotions is my commitment. I have spent too much time in the dark of fear. I am ready to try for reals!!