Emotions.

I have been realizing that emotions are incredibly important. Incredibly.

Forever I have tried to avoid them so that I didn't have to appear weak, or sad, or angry. I didn't want anything to show its affect on me.

But I have found that holding my emotions at bay has also not allowed true joy or happiness or a connection to real love to form.

Joy is not real without the genuine sadness of loss or standing up for what you believe in through anger.

When I was in middle school I was a total grump. I was never happy. There was nothing to be happy about. I felt trapped in a world where nothing I wanted was happening.
This, of course, did not win me friends or any points towards deeper relationships.
My attitude improved over time and I was able to find the good in everything around me. Even if it was just one small thing that was interesting and amazing to me, I would find it.

 

But looking back, I know that I was grumpy because of my lack of acceptance for my negative emotions which manifested into something worse. I didn't want to feel the discomfort and likewise I didn't really want to feel any joy. I was so discontent with having to constantly push my bad emotions to the side that there was no reason to feel happy. I just wanted to be pissed that things weren't going my way.

My inability to see my emotions for what they were and give myself the space to feel them capped my ability to connect with anything. I see that now.
 
It is true, however, that when you allow your emotions space, you also have to connect with uncomfortable feelings.

That is just life. There is a constant ebb and flow and nothing is going to be one hundred percent positive all the time or it is not anchored in reality.

This is where I get scared.

I fear that I cannot hold the discomfort and the bad emotions. Or if I can that I will have to deal with them all alone. (PS. when I felt this way, I got a therapist. Then you don't have to be alone while you work through this stuff. :) Its a gift I gave myself)

I can't let them coexist and work through them. I just felt I had to jump to the next high of emotional joy. I had to be the bigger person and ignore the bad to be the champion of the good!!

Happiness, in this context, is such a dangerous word because it implies that you have to be positive and joyful all the time. Even when it is not genuinely how you are feeling.

For me happiness is morphing into acceptance. Loving yourself is accepting these feelings too.

I have found that this previous denial doesn't work long term. The discomfort is not your enemy. It is trying to tell you something. It also something that you will always have cope with if you want to be functional and have the things you want in life.


Sometimes you have to dwell with the discomfort. Become its friend. Accept it for what it is and not be scared of how long it will be with you. Invite it to stay as long as it has too so that you can really process and move forward.

Because emotions are what make life beautiful and allow you to connect to the goodness too. They help you appreciate the goodness when it comes because you have also lived and accepted the feelings that aren't so great.

Emotions also allow you to connect with what your needs are. When something makes you sad or anxious or angry, those emotions are just as important to embrace so that you can find what makes you happy too.

It helps you connect to something and know when its real love you are connected to.

The empathy you feel and the care you show other's feelings is a manifestation of acknowledging and taking care of your own emotions.

When I was simply grumpy, it kept everyone around me at a distance. Without an emotional connection there was no intimacy. Without being vulnerable no one could really empathize or care too much about me. :(

I am obviously just coming to this realization in the full sense of what it means. I am seeing how much more I have to learn about love and my own happiness.

Embracing my emotions is my commitment. I have spent too much time in the dark of fear. I am ready to try for reals!!