5 years

I have learned A LOT the last 5 years I have been out of college and in the real world.

(I can't even believe it has been that long)

I have dated a lot, I have had sex for the very first time, I have tried to love.. but I don’t think I’ve been in love.

I had a horrible job that hurt me and took the life out of me. It was a job that started so great but I put hours and hours into it without “getting better”. I crawled out of that year by breaking up with someone I was certain loved me but who was treating me terribly and quitting a whole career path I was sure I would take.

I spent 3-4 weeks in bed watching Law and Order, crying, because of the pain and anguish caused by these two hurts. I spent nearly a year getting over that pain enough to cope.

I know that sacrificing yourself for a job is not worth it. Ever. Hard work is great but compromising who you are: not good. Work doesn’t care about YOU. I learned that trying to save someone from their own demons does not work in a relationship. Ever. And to give respect, you have to give space and let them fly free and learn and grow in ways you might not understand but are exactly the love they need.

I found out I have an anxiety disorder. I went to therapy for a year and have been on medication. I am taking responsibility for my anxiety and I am not letting it mess with my life.

I had my mom die. She was so sick for so long before it happened. And it happened peacefully. But it was and still is so weird. And there is such a hole in my heart over it. I learned not to put anything off assuming you can have it later.

In all this, I found that I am the only one who truly can care what happens to me. I am the only one who can truly take care of myself. My choices determine what I get out of life and where I am headed. I need to be truly independent and commit to that so that I can embrace the joy that is underlying all the pain that I have felt. 

I want to be around people who are open and authentic and share their real self. Because I am so tired of editing myself. And I really am tired of too much time dedicated to past pain. I want to be around others who are supporting and understanding each other so that they can move thorough it and not remain stuck.

I want a new relationship with God that is not about self sacrifice or about self hatred or a diminishing of the self. I want a relationship with God that is focused on self compassion and love and a giving back of that love to others. I want to feel enlivened by my faith in God and universe instead of downtrodden and falling short. I want to focus on the spirituality I believe in and kind of world I want to be a part of. 

I have learned a ton. 

And I undervalue that. 

I want to hear and understand others’ thoughts and opinions but I can’t discount mine own .. because I have gone through the fire and do have knowledge because of that.

Not because I think I know everything but precisely because I know that I know nothing.

I strive to learn more because I know I can always grow.