Being human. Quotes

Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
- Miguel Angel Ruiz

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.

- Ephesians‬ ‭4:2‬ ‭NLT‬‬ 

It’s okay to be sad when you mess up, but don’t dwell for too long. The mistake has already been made, and you can’t erase the fact that it happened. You can either learn from it or mope about it. The choice is yours, but remember, we are only human; we were born to make mistakes. Simply put, if you have never made a mistake in your life, then that means that you have never taken a risk. Taking risks means that you go outside of your comfort zone – that you go outside of your boundaries. The most successful people are the ones who are not afraid to give it their all and possibly humiliate themselves greatly in front of others. It’s like that one saying, ‘The person who asks a question is a fool for five minutes, but the person who never asks and remains silent is a fool forever.’ You choose the way you want to live your life.

- Cynthia Amy Tang 

Strength doesn’t come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn’t do.

- Rikki Rogers

I can get my head turned by a good-looking [someone] as much as the next [person]. But sexy doesn’t impress me. Smart impresses me, strength of character impresses me. But most of all, I am impressed by kindness. Kindness, I think, comes from learning hard lessons well, from falling and picking yourself up. It comes from surviving failure and loss. It implies an understanding of the human condition, forgives its many flaws and quirks. When I see that in someone, it fills me with admiration.

- Lisa Unger

"Whatever you resist you become. If you resist anger, you are always angry. If you resist sadness, you are always sad. If you resist suffering, you are always suffering. If you resist confusion,you are always confused. We think that we resist certain states because they are there, but actually they are there because we resist them." 
— Adyashanti

The fact that you’re struggling doesn’t make you a burden. It doesn’t make you unloveable or undesirable or undeserving of care. It doesn’t make you too much or too sensitive or too needy. It makes you human. Everyone struggles. Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart. During these times, we aren’t always easy to be around — and that’s okay. No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time. Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult. And yes, you may sometimes do or say things that make the people around you feel helpless or sad. But those things aren’t all of who you are and they certainly don’t discount your worth as a human being. The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved. You can be difficult and still be cared for. You can be less than perfect, and still be deserving of compassion and kindness.

- Daniell Koepke

the tiny house movement.

This idea is calling my name. I would love to live in a tiny house. Simplicity and economy. Ultimate for my minimalist goals :)

Check more out at:
http://tinyhousesgalore.com/

Focused on myself.

I think I finally am getting the hang of focusing on myself.

Everyone has goals and mine have always been tangible. I could show someone what I had accomplished. This made it feel praise worthy.

But recently my goals have been decidedly inward. More about doing internal work. This is really for myself because it truly is for no one but me. No one will see the impact, there won't be any praise. I am hoping that I will just feel better and be stronger.

Mostly, I am trying to attend to my emotional needs. Stand up and say what I need and have my own back in those situations so that I can be strong. Also communication, communication, communication. I have been communicating as much as I can and as often as I can and I have not regretted it. I will learn how to move through conflict and I will learn how to lower the stakes and realize the more upfront I am at the beginning the more I will get what I need. And also not hurt others in the process.

Anxiety has been plaguing me too and I have upped my medication and promised myself that I will stick to it. I will take my meds everyday because I know that is taking care of myself. I also am considering talking to a psychiatrist to tweak my meds and to see if there is anyway of pinpointing my anxiety disorder and figuring out how to treat it better.

Friendships are becoming so important. I have been trying to skate by on the shallow because its hard to be open and honest with yourself and in that process be authentic and make strong and durable connections with others. But true and deepening friendship are helping me do this and have the courage to do this. They are teaching me that communicating with someone who cares about you will never hurt. That people do not abandon you when you need them. And there are people who look deeper and see value in the things you have cultivated that aren't on the surface.

On the outside, I am losing weight and working on my acne. I know that both of these issues have been there because of the stress I have put on myself to be perfect. The more I let go and not stress eat and get motivated enough to exercise, the more that the weight falls off naturally. I have gone from 167 lbs to 142 lbs and counting. My goal weight is 135 but maybe I can make it to 130. The acne I have been battling for so long is finally starting to fade. I have found a skin care regime that seems to be tough enough to do that job but also gentle enough for my skin. Winning!!

Lastly, I am trying to make my world more... mine. I have started to slow down and be home more. Clean more. Organize more. Pay attention to the little details of my life and not distract myself all day and let the little things that improve my mood fall through the cracks. That means more tea and more reading of books and tending to my little garden and generally hanging out with myself.

I have every faith that things will fall together :) But eureka! I am going to take care of myself well in the meantime!

Gambino is pretty good

At freestylin'



Vince Staples && Tyler


Tyler is hilarious :)

favorite summer song of 2015

Can't get enough :)

impact.

This is might be a weird post.

Sorry, but this might also be a downer... so feel free not to read on.

I follow the news religiously. Mostly because I don't have a lot to do at work but also because I liked to be a educated world citizen and know what is going on.

Google News isn't always the best news but it generally is a good place to start. As, I was perusing the top news stories on google, there was one that weirdly seemed out of place because it was so specific.

I won't get into too much detail. But it was about a woman who was killed in a very painful and traumatic way.

There was a video. Well, a video of the moments before it happened. I watched it.

I was horrified.

Watching that happen in front of my eyes made such an impression.

NO!!!!

This is not real. Somebody please do something. But then like that, its over. Nothing can salvage it.

I kept thinking about it. Thinking and thinking.

Maybe, I shouldn't have watched it. What did I expect? Did I have to be that curious??!

But then it started working on me. It so deeply effected me.

It made me sick to think of how fear has paralyzed me. How I have distanced myself from love for so long out of wanting to be perfect and appear perfect.

All I know is, if I had to endure that much desperate fear and physical pain.. I would NOT want the mental anguish in that moment of having lived a shitty life. A life that is not genuine to me. The mental desperation of never having experienced real love. And mental conflict of never sticking my neck out for it.

That moment haunts me.

Literally, every time I have wanted to chicken out in little ways the last couple days, I've picture that scene and deep within me the emotion it evokes destroys my cowardice.

I want to live boldly.
I don't want to fear death.

the castle.

I rewatched the movie "The Castle" the other night.

It has to be the cutest movie ever made. The characters are so endearing. The father truly is the one of the most genuine characters I have seen on the screen. He makes your heart spill over with love just a little.

It reminded me what a movie can do. How much it can effect your spirits. Movies are great tools to access bits and pieces of bliss. Just as effective as a good meditation session, I think.

I highly recommend The Castle if you have a dry sense of humor and are hankering for some comedy.

It will lift your soul a little bit :)

new tunes I love.

hannah montana is so 2011

This has to be one of the best things I've seen.
I liked this song, but the the strings!! and they attack it with such confidence.. even given the lyrics. hahaha awesome $$

Treat yo-self.

50 to 100 real quick

This last weekend we took some of my mom's ashes up to Rosario Beach to spread them in the water. It felt like it should have been a beautiful moment, but I think I spent the rest of the weekend recovering from the stress.

I was weird to hold her ashes in my hands. It was sort of the most intimate yet scary things you could do for someone.

And of course I miss her. And doing these kinds of things reminds me of that.

I hope it will be healing. In the moment, it seems so hard.

I dreaded come back to work today because usually I use the weekend to recharge and feel ready to tackle everything that is happening there. And to be honest, work is not the most exciting thing going on in my life. I constantly feel like I am looking for an escape. I can't wait to reach the goals I have been working on.

So today have decided to work on liking work. Maybe not loving work, but finding the things about it that I can make challenge me and make interesting to me. I mean, the fact that is not intellectually stimulating and that I am bored a lot the time could be, in fact, a challenge.. if I look at it the right way.

I don't push myself enough. I don't motivate myself enough. I always see life at 100% or 0% and somewhere along the way I need to work on being 100% even when I feel 50%.

That is why I feel miserable going back to work. That is why I spend my weekends hiding from work. Because, recently, I have felt miserable in my personal life and then I have to go to work and feel a miserable 50% there.

But I realized that I don't have to feel that way. My life doesn't have to make me a prisoner. I just need to change my perspective. Make the things that are 50% my 100%. Which is hard. But its for me. Its for my own happiness and attracting further positivity in my life. Because not doing well at work creates a lot a shame for me. I love been going at what I do.. I love having a stimulating work environment.. I love working hard. But in a lot of these jobs I've had I don't feel challenged and I don't feel motivated and then I start doing poorly. And when I do poorly I don't really like myself.

Sure, its not my fault. A job has to fit you too but right now my job is a means to my bigger life goals.

I know its going to be hard for a bit. Life isn't going to be some magical thing where everything is going to fit me 100% all the time. But there can be a net positivity in my life instead of a net negativity. As long as things are net positive, I will be okay.

And that, right now, is mostly up to me.

ce weekend

This weekend we are going up to Rosario beach to sprinkle my mom's ashes in the ocean so that they will bioluminesce with the phosphorescent microorganisms.

It was one of her last requests.

It will be a healing weekend but not one I am really looking forward to.
The idea of it seems really stressful.

I think it is simply because the loss of my mom brings up all the many feelings and fears I have about loss and abandonment.

I don't want to feel this fear but I also think that I must face these feelings head on to work through them. And I need to face this challenge alone.

I so tired of needing some coping mechanism or somebody to be be there for me when I am scared and facing things that create anxiety in me (in lieu of emotions) or emotions (when I am able to express them). I want to do this for me and to know that I am strong enough to face it.


So I am a little scared but I little liberated and excited to go on this adventure.

I'll let you know what happens.