50 to 100 real quick

This last weekend we took some of my mom's ashes up to Rosario Beach to spread them in the water. It felt like it should have been a beautiful moment, but I think I spent the rest of the weekend recovering from the stress.

I was weird to hold her ashes in my hands. It was sort of the most intimate yet scary things you could do for someone.

And of course I miss her. And doing these kinds of things reminds me of that.

I hope it will be healing. In the moment, it seems so hard.

I dreaded come back to work today because usually I use the weekend to recharge and feel ready to tackle everything that is happening there. And to be honest, work is not the most exciting thing going on in my life. I constantly feel like I am looking for an escape. I can't wait to reach the goals I have been working on.

So today have decided to work on liking work. Maybe not loving work, but finding the things about it that I can make challenge me and make interesting to me. I mean, the fact that is not intellectually stimulating and that I am bored a lot the time could be, in fact, a challenge.. if I look at it the right way.

I don't push myself enough. I don't motivate myself enough. I always see life at 100% or 0% and somewhere along the way I need to work on being 100% even when I feel 50%.

That is why I feel miserable going back to work. That is why I spend my weekends hiding from work. Because, recently, I have felt miserable in my personal life and then I have to go to work and feel a miserable 50% there.

But I realized that I don't have to feel that way. My life doesn't have to make me a prisoner. I just need to change my perspective. Make the things that are 50% my 100%. Which is hard. But its for me. Its for my own happiness and attracting further positivity in my life. Because not doing well at work creates a lot a shame for me. I love been going at what I do.. I love having a stimulating work environment.. I love working hard. But in a lot of these jobs I've had I don't feel challenged and I don't feel motivated and then I start doing poorly. And when I do poorly I don't really like myself.

Sure, its not my fault. A job has to fit you too but right now my job is a means to my bigger life goals.

I know its going to be hard for a bit. Life isn't going to be some magical thing where everything is going to fit me 100% all the time. But there can be a net positivity in my life instead of a net negativity. As long as things are net positive, I will be okay.

And that, right now, is mostly up to me.