adventures in loving yourself while being poor

So, you may not know, but in February I quit my job. For reasons I shall not go into detail about. Needless to say, it was a bad situation. A decision made on desperate terms given the current economic climate.

So, I have been very poor while scrounging for film work. Seattle is a hard nut to crack.
But ultimately it is my home, and I really have just found an awesome group of filmmakers that I fit with.

Its funny, while being poor and feeling crazy because of the lack of stability (which terrifies me!!).. I really have not been happier since moving into Seattle.

Its funny how the things that we fear most are usually the things that make us happiest or raise our self esteem.

1. Working at a job that hurts you and your self esteem
--Security in a pay check

vs.

2. Scary unemployment/freelancing and scrapping it.
--Loads of happiness and self esteem but  A LOT of initial fear.

A lot of stuff has been going down like that in my life.
I think that when you take a risk and do something you fear --- face a demon in a lot of ways.. you can also proud of that achievement when it blossoms. The fact that you stared your fears down and decided that you would face them to be happier and love life more. To love yourself more.

Really, you only have one shot at life. And more than the easy way out.. there is the quality way through life. Sometimes harder but with great dividends and A LOT of self-respect along the way.

This was dinner for me tonight.

And I was thinking, Sahale! How can you truly love yourself when you have reduced yourself to such a lack of the luxuries of life!

And then I realized, that pathetic portion of rice-y gruel represented freedom from an oppressive occupation, freedom to work on my own projects, and open doors to build the career and life that would never be possible otherwise.

I'll take it!

The Smiths

On being single

I have been listening to a lot of Beyonce.

That is what single means apparently.

Especially when the one you loved is with someone else. It hurts.

And only Beyonce seems to know how much.


Been trying to be productive. Working on my video reel. Everything I have ever made, I dislike. I don't like one thing I have made anymore.

Its not a great feeling

Its okay though! Because I am on a journey of ultimate pursuit. Its progress toward the goal. To be great, on some level. Unforgetable. Not for applause. Whether or not there is an audience. Fearlessly and bravely forward.

I do have baggage right now. I am willing to admit it. But that is always the way it is, if we are honest about it. Being honest with yourself about where you are at is different depending on if you know you will always be that way or if you are going to make a change.

I want to make a change.

But I have to be honest with myself.

I have never been truly emotionally available with my relationships.

Okay, I know that now. I have shut down any truly intimate moment. Or maybe I never got comfortable enough with someone to be intimate. I would love to think that is true. But I could work more on the capacity to be intimate with someone.

Maybe its that I don't really trust guys. When I gave my heart to my first love, my innocent naivety was a perfect zone for ultimate destruction of trust. Absolute trust in someone who isn't trustworthy is a recipe for disaster.

So now I am taking the time to make it right.

I'm optimistic.

I've forgiven the boy that hurt me. I've forgiven myself.

Life is a journey. With some time.. I'm sure I'll get there.

Being a Woman

Being a woman is never so alive and vibrant as when you are in a relationship. 
There are some new things I have learn about myself in contemplation and thought about what has been going on in my life the past weeks.


I loved feeling womanly!

I may have ambitious dreams and goals but I love a man who can see me as old fashioned and womanly. I want to be able to be a empowered, modern woman without losing that traditional part of my womanhood. I love preparing a good meal or the satisfaction of a well cleaned living space (still working on that :/) And I love a guy who sees me that way. Not in a chauvinist pig-- women are beneath me way -- but in that they see me as a part of a team. I like the comfort of some traditions. It makes me feel loved and like I am able to give love to someone else too.

Being a strong woman can sometime mean being happily single. (wamp wamp) Its good to take a break, step back and realize that you are the one who gives you true self-esteem. You will never find that outside of yourself.

I love being able to give myself the love I need! 

Day by day I am learning that I am becoming a strong woman by loving myself. Road blocks and hurt are only a path to discovering that more every day.

So I am taking time to tell myself:

You are not only beautiful but you are radiant. 

When I am loving myself I shine, I am uniquely beautiful. Always opt to shine. It feels good to be your best self. Yes, many girls are pretty, sometimes prettier.. but strive to be beautiful in confidence without pride, compassion without doormat-ism (working on this), and love with commitment.

You are elegant. You have edge style and class. 

When I am loving myself my natural graces appear. I am edgy and dress with strength because I know I am a precious gem.

You are a strong person.

When I am loving myself, I take responsibility and embrace my work ethic. I have faults but I am going to forgive myself for them and work hard to be better. When I give myself grace I can extend it to others. I can be more compassionate while still having strength.

When I look at who I really am, I am a true gem. Someone just needs to truly get to know me to know my strength. And someone needs to recognize how valuable those traits really are. I don't need to compete with others to find my worth because I know my value.

All that all of this means is, you can trust me. I am going to construct a person that you can trust and count on absolutely.. Even if it means becoming brutally honest with myself about how I can improve.

I have my faults and I am trying to forgive myself and work on them extremely hard so that I can do that better and better.

Thank God life is a journey :) Even if no one can see or give you props for the journey you took, its no less worthwhile for the person that you become at the end.

Learning How to Love

So as you know, I am an advocate of love.

Though in my recent life, I haven't been as loving as I would like.

I wanted to be the bad girl. The one that would never get hurt. The one that would never grow attached.

Unfortunately, I did. I substituted assertiveness and boundaries with distance because of fear. Fear is the number one killer of love.

Though people can hurt us, yes.. We let them. And this is truly true.

Though I would like to rant about my broken trust and broken heart, I have to take responsibility for my part. No one really broke my trust .. I knew and I chose what I did.

Ultimately, its a risk you have to be willing to take. Smartly of course. But if I never took the risk, nothing ever would happen.

So I am content to be. I want to truly put my love out there. I learned my lesson about what I want. I really want a REAL relationship. A relationship with real love and real intimacy and I want someone who is capable of giving that back.

I need to become the person that I would hope to find.

What do I need to take responsibility for in a relationship:

Boundaries.
I need to know what I need and when I am not getting it I need to bring it up assertively and then back that up with actions. Leave a bad situation even if its hard. Be honest about it.

Being assertive makes others feel loved and yourself feel loved. You address the situation in a loving way for both of you. That way you both feel safe. They don't feel like they will step on you and you won't feel resentment and hurt. I regret not seeing this as being loving. I guess I didn't know what love truly was till now.

Assertiveness through boundaries will also help you stop the anger you feel at a massive injustice. If you are checking in with yourself and what you need, you won't hurt others when you lash out after "having enough of their bad behavior". You will have been assertive about those needs from the beginning.

Be Honest with Myself.
Words are good thoughts but I need to be honest with myself and others when actions are seeming to be in play. I should know what I need in situations, even if others don't.

Being knowledgable about yourself is loving because you don't hurt others with unwittingly being unable to be honest with them because of lack of knowledge about yourself.

Part of this is trusting yourself. I know and trust now that I will be a loving and solid partner towards someone. I trust that I will be more careful with my words, nurture and honor someone.

The Trust Others Put in You is Very Valuable.
The fact that they are with you is a big statement in trust. They trust you with their time, their heart, their thoughts. This is a great privilege.

On some level, I knew this to be true but now I really see it. Be careful with someone's heart and your own heart. Nurture others and give them a safe place to be themselves. Beyond honoring their trust on big issues such as never cheating... be communicative, don't put them down (even when frustrated), listen to their thoughts, thank them for what they are giving you, and expect the same.

Take Responsibility. 
This is a reminder. When something does wrong, I usually always take the blame. Don't take the blame! Take responsibility for your part. This should not be not a huge critique you should feel bad about. The ending of a relationship gives you a chance to think about things very objectively. You might be doing well, but you could always be better.

Identify where you can take responsibility and learn from your actions. Its a great opportunity, though very painful. Haha I can sympathize with you there.