new love, vince staples

the girl.

 

 

Picture of me I found from 2010. :) happy smile.

messing up

I am a human. I need to practice more self compassion about this

I hurt. I love. I want to be loved. I have old wounds that I am working on and I don't always say the right thing or do the right thing in the moment.

But overall, I know that I am a good person.

My tendency is to immeadiately assume that when I make a mistake, I am broken. I know on some level that is not true, but I truly internalize it anyway and there can be a lot of shame associated with that. I've felt that sometimes that you shouldn't even try to interact with life until you are completely ready, lest you make a fool of yourself or accidentally hurt someone.

This is not true. This is a pattern that I need to stop. This negative self talk and inability to make mistakes hurts me every time I engage in it. Because, I am realizing, that part of loving yourself is knowing that despite your mistakes you are good person. If you don't have faith in that and move beyond your mistakes and do better the next time -- persevere because you know that you are allowed to make mistakes -- you aren't loving yourself or giving yourself grace.

I need to make mistakes. I need room to get messy. I need space to experiment because I have never given myself that grace until now.

And I DO make mistakes. I am not perfect. I ask not to be judged so I must try not to judge myself.

I made some mistakes recently and have fallen into a deep anxiety and guilt session. After wallowing, I realized that I can't do this to myself anymore. I can't kill myself over every imperfection. I can't not eat for 5 days and expect to feel loved. Because I'm not taking care of myself. I'm starving and unhappy and unloved not because someone else isn't loving me, but because I am not taking care of myself.

Every time I do things like this I forget to take responsibility for myself. I ask the world to figure it out for me and I put myself in a position of repeating my mistakes because I start to think that there is an essential flaw inside of me.

Instead, I should see it as exciting. As a discovery of who I am. I am a mess. A glorious mess of humanity! Who is learning to be better, want better, love better.

I need to bare this side of me too because I want to be loved for who I am at my worst not who I am at my best. I want some one to be endeared by the flaws in me and not just what I can do for them. How can they do that when I won't show myself to them?

I think most of all I am proud of myself for being willing to make mistakes. Something I have never done before. I think it is actually an exercise in knowing my value to make space to make mistakes and not let it affect my worth.

I mean, it seems like it shouldn't be that big of deal, but for me it has been.


Sometimes the smallest things can make the biggest difference.

Guts = Glory

When you feel crunchy and scruffy and beat down on the exterior, you need to always remind yourself of the things that will always light you from the inside out. 

That is what the world will truly be attracted to.

Your guts are your glory!

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to become more healthy. Inside and outside.

I think that I have engaged in a lot of unhealthy (well, not shockingly unhealthy but not amazing) behavior because of the stress and anxiety of my mom's illness, the last large break up I had, and the loss of my job and redirection of my life.

I want to be better, because I want to like myself more and more and feel deserving of the good stuff that comes my way. I don't want to self-sabotage any more.

Here are some of my goals:

x Get my minimal wardrobe together

I need to make space in my life to be more mobile. I have way too much stuff. I want to prioritize quality and mobility in the next two years. More freedom and more satisfaction with the things that surround me.

x Get rid of and organize my stuff -- reduce by 50%

I have been miserable wallowing in too much stuff. I want to reduce and upgrade what I have by 50%. Upgrade to better quality stuff that I can really use for years.

x Exercise more -- start an exercise regime

I know I will feel much better if I exercise 3x's a week. I need to find running routes and start using my bike. Find a place to do yoga.

x Become fluent in French

GO to conversational groups, take classes and work on vocab, reading, and study,

x Start writing -- get a short story published

I really wan to write and get a story published. I really want to start telling stories again. I am going to start really small and then work up to bigger more elaborate stories.

x Start painting again. Finish two pieces. Learn to paint with oils!

Making art and expressing myself has given me great personal joy. I need to start doing it again!! I can get so wrapped up in it that the world and its troubles melt away!

x Finish my medical assisting course work and get a JOB!

I really need to prioritize myself in this way. I want a good job with good pay and I want stability. I need to find it for myself. I really want to do something I care about and make a real contribution to the world -- I want to love my work.

x Watch more GOOD movies and listen to more GOOD music. 

I've almost forgotten what its like to listen to a new song  I love! I haven't explored the many movies out there. I need to get on it and enjoy culture again.

x Cook more healthy and amazing food

Find some amazing new dishes to add to the rep. Lean new cooking techniques. Eat more whole foods. Learn how to poach an egg. Learn the art of creating great stocks and sauces!

Paris, Je t'aime

A week ago I was in Paris.

My friend Emily and I decided on a slight whim a couple months ago and shortly after my mom passed away, that we wanted to go to the city of light.

Two years ago at Christmas time, my brother and I were there but only for a short three days. While gazing at the Eiffel Tower I bought a small 9-ish inch replica from a street vendor for 10 euro. (Probably overpriced)

But I bought that Eiffel Tower to remind me that Paris will always be there and I can always go back. I bought it because every time I travel its like taking a breath of fresh air and a reminder that life is amazing.

So this time when we went back, I tried to embrace it the same way and I am trying to hold on to that feel as long as I can.

I don't think its magical because its Paris or because its France. Its magical because it is foreign and it is different and it makes you realized that there are other people out there living parallel lives with the same goals but doing it in a completely different way. Not better, not worse but fantastically different and you get to immerse yourself in it for a little while.

I am already planning my next trip!!

In no specific order:

Hawaii in February

Argentina, Boliva, Peru, and Chile

Japan

Thailand, Myanmar

India & Nepal

Rome, Greece, Turkey

Iceland

Norway and Sweden,

Finland, Estonia, Latvia, Russia

Czech Republic & Croatia

Germany at Christmas

Spain & Morocco

Australia & New Zealand  

Interior of China

Roadtrip through Wales, Scotland and Ireland

You're gonna have to hold me back!!

My attempt at conveying my emotional attachment to the WORLD:

still passionate about Ray Bradbury