Why can't I enjoy a bliss of the unknown? Why can't I be satisfied in my human ignorance? Why can't I just accept God and know that I have tested that His way is good? Why do I need more? I want to just be happy with my alternative music and my art films and my literature... but the those pleasures are becoming empty holes! because I know its all going to BURN. I want something of ultimate meaning in my life. I want to be a part of something bigger.. I want a sustainable happiness that is not dependent on the world, but I can't do it all on my own. I NEED GOD TO SPEAK TO ME!! I need something, anything that will be enough to show me He really was working in my life and still will.
I feel like such a hypocrite. God shouldn't be so hard for someone who has testified to His goodness in her life. HE IS WHAT I WANT, but why is the wonder starting falter? I read the Bible and it is so full of everything I want, so shouldn't I feel solid in it? I don't want to be a person with no foundation.. I believe I have a foundation.. but its hard to adamantly see a God that, like an imaginary friend, no one around you seems to want to touch. I NEED to see God in someone, someone who sees the same God I do, because I LONG FOR THE SPIRIT OF GOD, not the letter of legalism, nor the diminishing of God in humanism or skepticism, but I LONG for that wise soul, that bigger thing that can't completely belong to reason but isn't lost in daydreams or idealistic wonder.
I'm sharing this with you because, it is so human. I am so human. I want to be loved by someone. I want to experience life and find value and truth. Everyone is searching. If you find something of true, consistent value hold on to it. I have my claws in God because I feel in my heart that there is something there, something that I will never be able to find anywhere else.
You are most definitely not alone.
3 comments:
Dear Miss Marja,
There needs to be room for individualism in the picture...the key to one person's life is not the key to anothers. We cannot look to the people around us for our journey...we must invent our journey as we choose the path that is right for us. We cannot look at our world either and use that as a guide because the path of the collective is often like water and follows gravity through the lowest landscapes. There are so many unanswered questions... e.g. if there is a God then why do babies starve in India? Can God create a rock to heavy for Him to lift? But in the end God's place in your journey is a faith issue, either you believe in him or you don't. It doesn't have to be logical or answer all questions or solve all problems. Believing in Him seems to be a win/win.. makes the journey better today and the future filled with promise. RLM
yeah. you are right.. haha
this journey just becomes really rocky when there is no one that can see what you can. it make you feel like you see a ghost or something..! its like when you fall in love, no one else can see what you see.
how can explain that I want more than sitting in a pew? that I want to experience the world because we are in it.. ((we are human we need to be able to see the world be a part of it)) but that I see value in grounding a life to God?
ah life is a crazy journey
I also had another thought...the music, films an literature that you find inspiring and valuable... evaluate the reason it and/or what portion resonated with you... just because a creation is "worldly" doesn't mean it will "burn" God talks to all of us if we listen and those inspirations can turn up in the most unexpected places. I'm thinking of songs like I can't erase your beautiful face before me or with arms wide open... not overtly christian but they inspire me... when you see a Picasso you are never confused about who created it... God's has a style too..
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