I've been trying to decide why I long for one on one companionship so much.
I think I was set up for it from birth.
Since I left home for boarding school I have had an overwhelming desire to find what I lost and to have a companion in life.
The girls in my school almost made me feel ashamed for that longing. They were so strong and so interested in life's other endeavors, where as I was desperate and rabid to find a love and find a connection RIGHT NOW. It was hard.
Now I realize that it was hard because in high school its just about games anyways. What I wanted was a new home. Someone to share everything with. Someone who was the only one who mattered to me and to be the only one that someone else cared about. Exaggeratory of course. I want my own pursuits, desires, and quiet space in my life but nothing I accomplished resonated much with out a support system, a home to share it with.
Our family was very tight knit. We didn't socialize with other families much and enjoy each other's company most of all. And being dumped from a safe and happy home into the a high school in which everyone was way too immature and filled with hormones to care, was hard. Especially when 9 out of 10 people you might meet, won't really connect with you at all. I felt desperate to get my grounding back again.
Now I feel that longing in my bones, deep in my bones, but patience brings the sweetest things. I have learned so much by not taking part in the dog eat dog dating world.
What I want is a best friend and a lover. Who I can take anywhere with me and find home. I am overflowing with love and want to give it to someone so badly. I want someone who can love me in return. Yes, my dreams and goals are bigger than one person, but the only currency that really counts to me is love. If you learn nothing else, loving someone and feeling returned in that love is the greatest untouchable, timeless achievement.
SO.. I am working on being "a nine pound hammer".. something that is consistent and something that you can always count on and hold on to. Someone who you can have fun with, be completely yourself with and not be require to change. I want to enrich someone's life. I want to always be learning, always exploring. Listening to the latest music, pondering the newest art, reading about scientific discoveries, finding new old literature that I have never read before. Have epiphanies and philosophical wonderments. Never take God for granted and always be learning more about myself. Taste every beer, have wine with fondue cheese!! Walk the Champs-Elyees! See the Tour de France in person. Run around the streets of Montreal. Lose myself in the Yukon Territory.. Shake hands with my Finn relatives and see real reindeer.. Climb Kilimanjaro, or maybe just Half Dome.
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Dance to a rock band in an Irish Pub. See the Indian Ocean. See the ancient and untouched forests of Serbia! See a show at the MOMA. Swim the English channel?? Maybe not that one.
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