master.

oh I am a sad soul sometimes.
holding on to past stuff. people of the past.

I have been having a tough time with working out where I stand with my career goals and people.

I am so pent up by fear. I'm starting to believe that I always have been. Afraid to take credit for good things I do, because I think that others will see me as unhumble.. complete terrified to take credit sometimes, because then I will have to stand behind what I say.

I was noticing that sometimes the hardest thing to do is own up to yourself. Who you are.
I feels like people are always so willing to read into things. To be threatened or demonize you for things. It makes one terrified to be themselves, or to take charge and feel good about something that is them or that they have done.

I guess it all come down to knowing that you can't please everyone, and you can't be politically correct all the time.

I watched "Gone with the Wind" this weekend.. which is a beautifully shot film.......... but that seems to be what they whole film was about. Being loved utterly for just who you are. Not being a character that is too easy to love. Too boring to love.

Human means being unperfect.. maybe scarily so. I always thought that people should shape up.. get their lives together. Be put together and have everything figured out.. but I love so much when others are willing to give me the grace and benefit of the doubt, and to not see me for all my mistakes. I'm starting to believe that imperfectness is what you should expect and cherish.

That, sometimes, its okay to be cruel because you won't avoid it completely. Its okay to be weak and to feel the need for people.. to be needy for them once and a while because it is genuine. And in turn accept it from others. Give and take so that we all can be forgiven.

Its all growing pains.. even though I hate that word. Figuring out how to be. Especially knowing how to make boundaries for yourself, without trodding on others' .. Having enough ego to say "you can do something" without being arrogant. Loving others without becoming a martyr. Being kind without being taken advantage of. Its a masterful balancing act, and I see my failings. But! I am determined to master it.
Someday.