heaven is whenever.

"heaven in the Christian sense is this ultimate reward.. I think that if you are good, everyday you are rewarded with a good life, you have joy in your life.. yeah I think that by living a righteous life you are rewarded everyday.. and that is what "Heaven Whenever means to me.."

-Craig Finn

yay for spiritual rockers.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Hold Steady
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Fox News

Peter Tscherkassky.

odessa. crash.

future.

The Bees - Horsemen from phil tidy on Vimeo.

sometimes I wish I could erase people

Oh what good is it to live
With nothing left to give
Forget but not forgive
Not loving all you see

-Chris Martin

yes!

beach day.

you betcha!

click here!

went for a run.

counsel.

okay maybe this is silly but I can't get One by U2 out of my head..
the lyrics suddenly resonate so strongly.

maybe its Bono's reaction to love that is so startlingly true for me.
He definitely sees it the same way and gets what I want.

Thank goodness for U2.

So, I've been going to counseling the last days of this week and finding that the reason I've been so stressed out is also because I have cared too much.

I've also had strong feeling about things. I dream too big. I fall too fast. I hurt for others when I shouldn't care.

My counselor, Jeremy, told me that the number one thing that hurts people the most is too strong of beliefs.. Believe in things to strongly. Wars, relationships..
I think he is right.

So, I'm letting go of God. The God that others would have me believe in. I am getting back to what I always thought God was. Who God is true to me to be.

What you believe is un-proovable and irrelevant, what is more important is not letting the journey control you but using the journey to help you decide what you believe.

That reaps more love. Because, yes, truth is probably black and white, but life is not and never will be. Ideally I am a sinner..

NO WAY! haha

I think even the Bible knows that, realistically, idealism doesn't have much of a place in this world... but to strive for it anyway..
((e.i. David, a man of God's own heart, was a adulterer and murder))


Letting go is a part of that. Knowing who I am and what I truly believe will not please everyone. Knowing that I may never find love. But knowing that, that is okay.

I read over some of my blog posts and some of them are biting .. smack of caring way too much. I know nothing, really,.. nothing.
All I got to say to you readers, is I'm really sorry.

Life is for the living, and I need to do more of that, rather than sitting and philopsophizing and analyze it.

We have huge database of wisdom from everywhere. From others, and our parents, and God or gods, the world itself.. but our experience is our own..
and we must live life with lasting joy and with adventure, which comes from what we honestly believe and want for ourselves ... For although life is what we have in common not everyone experiences it the same.

outfit of note:: edie sedgwick

-->striped J. Crew dress from goodwill in the U District, Seattle
--->fishnet stocking from George Walmart
---->punk rock blue keds from the thrift store of america
----->Roxy surfer hoodie from PacSun
------>hippie handbag from my mother which she got from the thrift store
------->headband from target
//phone::
samsung sway from the verizon store

picture kindly provided by kris haughton
snapped outside of zach macdonald's photography show // water on the rocks

beautiful.

be true to only what you believe in your own heart.

no more, no less.

I have tested who Sahale is and I cannot ascribe to what the preachers say I should do, and if I did I would be a liar and hurting myself.

I cannot follow what the world says I should do, because if I did, I would be broken.

All you need to do is: not throw out your deepest beliefs.. whatever they are..

And you will be happy. Burden of belief is no good. Do what you do because you really and truly believe it.

So I have decide to remain Sahale

interesting idea

~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~

narcissism has devalued all human relations. He says "we demand too much of life, too little of ourselves." Then he adds that "We find it more and more difficult to achieve a sense of continuity, permanence or connection with the world around us."

-The Culture of Narcissism // and Emily Young

interesting thoughts // how can we demand more out of life than we are willing to put in?

If everyone's taking and no one is giving, the deficit must be higher than that of the U.S. government.

..and the deficit to relationships is why we may feel so isolated..

~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~

hey! we can change that!

klimt klimt klimt

Even when I am being idle, I have plenty of food for thought, both early and late - thoughts both about and not about art. ((Gustav Klimt))

heart. soul.

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.
Proverbs 4:23

joy is a lifestyle and not a feeling

New desires means new life

lovers.

Geranium kisser
Skin like silk and face like glass
Don't confront me with my failures
Kiss me with your mouth open
For your love, better than wine
For your cologne is really fragrant
Call on me, call on me, call on me

Your hair is like an eagle
Your two eyes are like two doves
But our bed is like a failure
All day up in the family
At the waning of the light
To the chamber that conceived me
Call on me, call on me, call on me

Geranium killer
Throat of soil of and mind like stone
Please don't defend a silver lining
Around the halo of what is already shining
When all the planets are aligning
For an afternoon that's never ending
Call on me, call on me, call on me

-Dirty Projectors

Beloved

2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—

for your love is more delightful than wine.

3 Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes;
your name is like perfume poured out.
No wonder the maidens love you!

4 Take me away with you—let us hurry!
Let the king bring me into his chambers.

Friends

We rejoice and delight in you;

we will praise your love more than wine.

Beloved

How right they are to adore you!

5 Dark am I, yet lovely,
O daughters of Jerusalem,
dark like the tents of Kedar,
like the tent curtains of Solomon.

6 Do not stare at me because I am dark,
because I am darkened by the sun.
My mother's sons were angry with me
and made me take care of the vineyards;
my own vineyard I have neglected.

7 Tell me, you whom I love, where you graze your flock
and where you rest your sheep at midday.
Why should I be like a veiled woman
beside the flocks of your friends?

Friends

8 If you do not know, most beautiful of women,

follow the tracks of the sheep

and graze your young goats

by the tents of the shepherds.

Lover

9 I liken you, my darling, to a mare

harnessed to one of the chariots of Pharaoh.

10 Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings,
your neck with strings of jewels.

11 We will make you earrings of gold,
studded with silver.

Beloved

12 While the king was at his table,

my perfume spread its fragrance.

13 My lover is to me a sachet of myrrh
resting between my breasts.

14 My lover is to me a cluster of henna blossoms
from the vineyards of En Gedi.

Lover

15 How beautiful you are, my darling!

Oh, how beautiful!

Your eyes are doves.

Beloved

16 How handsome you are, my lover!

Oh, how charming!

And our bed is verdant.

Lover

17 The beams of our house are cedars;

our rafters are firs.

-Solomon

been listening to this

Summer of Seventeen

So I wrapped up my 30 days of Jesus.

Chose Jesus and now I am following through on the that decision.

Now for a new project! (rubbing my hands together furiously)

I decide that, since I am stuck here in ole Chattanoogy, that I would write some stories. After all, filmmaking is storytelling. 17 scripts in 17 weeks.

Step 1.

I have issues with clarity, especially scripts.

First, I will write out the story in a short creative story form.

Step 2.

Write out the script.

Dialogue, action, description.

Tell the stories of my time in Chattanooga. My culture shock from Seattle to the great ole South.

Lets make the myths of this place. This generation. Lets fill them up with truth, as far as that goes, as far as the truth of our perceptions and points of view will let us.

Lets be subjective for a while, and not apologize for it.

Lets eviscerate people in fiction and get out the things that have dwelled in our minds so long.

Lets say something that people have felt but would never talk about.

Let speak truth, even if it sucks, even if it is not idealistic, because truth never is.

Let show joy and moments between the moments that truly make up life.

Lets show beauty in the small things so that people can live variously through their own lives, and realize that they could just live them like that.

Let show the beauty in the spirit of the law, the spirit of love, and the spirit of joy and not the letter of it.

thats what filmmaking is all about

Untitled from vincent moon / temporary areas on Vimeo.

30 Days of Jesus // RECAP

lollipop native american from

Stone Mt., GA!

gosh.

I guess I can't get away from concluding on my 30 days of Jesus.

Here are the conclusions I came to:

1. you cannot and should not preach your faith. who cares?

you gotta live it

2. only accept real love. only give real love.

"

Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

"

-Shakespeare

3. it is much more important to be honest then to be liked.

4. I have anxiety issues I need to work out. I will work them out instead of:

a. drinking them away

b. sexing them away

all of which are somewhat tempting to me.

5. focusing on God has to be at your core. trying to fix the symptoms of hurt ALWAYS will fail. you need to dig deep and rip it out at the root.

6. God and life, in reality, is so unrealistically hard. but it is a ideal worth striving for.

although it is hard to desire it, it is easy to desire its potential, which I hope for. it is at least easy to step out on that path towards it.

Heaven has, for a lot people, become bull shit.

Heaven has been twisted.

Heaven has been used to manipulate the faithful.

Heaven will be amazing

but if you don't want heaven NOW on earth, heaven will be your hell.

7. What you want and what you need are totally different. If you get just what you want, it is and always will be empty. If you get what you need, which will sometimes hurt and is usually harder, you will be filled.

I'd have to say that of all things in my life I needed what happened to me over the last 6 months but I would have never, never, never asked for it. Why would you ask for such hard things?

but how do you become an amazing and strong person?

everyone wants to be one, right?

amazing and strong people do not just appear. they are strong because they have been made strong. they have experienced extreme strength because they have faced something equally as extreme in their life and chose victory! so rejoice in those things that you face that are hard, because you will be more and more amazing for facing it. that is when you are getting what you need. because of who you now will be. and sometimes strengthened faith in the God that you serve.

"

So if you wanna be with me
With these things there's no telling
We'll just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery

"

-Bright Eyes

"

You must be strong with love, which is stronger than death

"

-Pope John Paul the II