conquerors!

I was think today
about how much value I find in others.

Last night I was talking with my boss and he had many
encouraging and kind words about my work

plus strategies I should pursue to make my career dreams blossom.

He sees more in me then I did in that moment. But through

his eyes I started to see someone who could really become something.

A defense mechanism I have always used is to put my expectations of myself

low. To demoralize my efforts as an effort to look alright if I fail.

I've now been told twice how immature that is.

Thinking that way is just as annoying to others as acting puffed up and over confident.

People want you to seize the moment, to claim it and know that you can

be counted on to rock it! Faith in yourself that you are that person who can

do it better than anyone else! Not for yourself but for objective awesomeness!

Faith: belief that is not based on proof

Sometimes I think that we need a little faith in ourselves.

I started to believe in myself again. I started to feel strong in my
abilities. Feeling strong in having a contribution to the world.
Its not so much that my self-value is locked in money or fame
but its locked in contributing something and others seeing it
as valuable.

I started to think. Why did I have to wait for permission to feel this way?

Why do I feel miserable and like a failure if others don't obviously affirm it and see it as worthy?

As soon as I heard it from someone else's lips, I felt like I could
conquer the world!

Action starts with belief and I think that sometimes that only I have cut myself down.

right out of the gate I don't believe or have faith.

The world wants people who are confident.

The world wants people who are strong.

The world wants people who don't blend in. who are different.

The world wants people who are courageous.

The world wants people who know what they rock at and run with it!

Passionately and without looking back.

Without second guessing

And without remorse or self-deprecation!

Don't be arrogant people!

But know what you are good at and hold your head up high doing it.

Sure you may not be good at somethings, and that will keep you humble

enough..

but for God's sake!! run with the things that you are amazing at and conquer!

go forth and rock, my friends!!!

victory

Its interesting to me the big gap between traditional success and the appearance of it. Appearances of success work to a certain level, but any truly and very successful person has that success come from within..

If madness is trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results then a lot of us are mad.

We try different approaches to success on the outside and fail to understand that it is what is within that is the most valuable asset that we have.

OUR unique ideas, points of view, and inner strength.

We choose professions that we are unskilled at because we want people to think we are "cool".

We choose relationships that are bad for us because we think other people will see us as worthwhile for being next to that person.

We neglect that still small knowing of what we need in our truest of hearts for what we think we want and what we think others will be attracted to.

What is consider successful looking:

1. Good Job

2. Top in you field at your job

3. Wife/girlfriend or Husband/boyfriend

4. Nice and organized house or apartment and car

5. Ducks in a row // happy&&content

6. Direction and goal in life

7. Not addicted to anything

8. Honest and hard working

9. Lots of friends//people who respect you

Its also interesting that these can ALL be faked and lied about or half-truthed.

Its REALLY tempting to be that person, to half truth yourself into being the typical model of success to make yourself feel better about yourself. To appear as successful as those around you who are trying to appear to be the same thing. haha

Its somethings I've been struggling with.

But in my heart I know that success comes from a successful foundation from within and a ton of hard mileage put in.

If you have a job that looks successful but hate it.. or are only in the job because it has cache or some sort of good image.. how successful is that for you as an individual?? Or you lie about your job to sound as if it bigger or better than it truly is. Sure.. it might look great, but come on.

Or if you have wife or husband or girlfriend or boyfriend.

Merely being in a relationship might look to others as though you are successful at relationships..

but always having some one is not the same as the quality of those relationships.. Do you honor, love and respect each other? In action not words?

When the going gets tough?

Do you support and challenge each other?

Those who are single might be more successful at practicing those things in regard to how they respect and honor themselves in waiting for that one.

Or being happy and contented.. if you appear to be so it only matters if what is reflected on the outside is also within.

Sure.. appearing happy is probably better than being sour, but if you are hurting on the inside, solutions need to start there.

If you are unhappy a majority of the time, its no time to find things outside of yourself to fulfill you..

you'll end up

hurting your career potential

ruining relationships

mess up goals

This is the time to take action and figure out what is wrong from within.

To be, what some would consider as selfish.

A lot emotional issues shouldn't be left un-dealt with just because your pride gets in the way.

You may appear weak in the beginning but you will find TRUE strength in the end, not just the appearance of such.

Weakness on the inside will only lead to weakness in everything and anything you try to do on the outside.

Don't be fooled into thinking as long as you can develop great habits of lying about who you are, that people will believe what is still bull shit.

Even I can't believe my own. haha

Not everything is left up to circumstance. You can reach out and MAKE it different and if you have run out of ideas on how.. that is when you should talk to an objective counselor. The amount of things you will learn about yourself in this process will produce strategies to be successful in every endeavor you may undertake after that point! It will be monumental!

Why is this hard?

1. You must take accountability for your mistakes.

2. You must see your involvement in them.

3. You can't play the victim anymore. ( of life, of God, of other people's mistakes )

All these are just an evasion of putting in the hard work. To becoming a truly strong individual.

There is no failure, because in what society sometimes sees as "failure" you know as the first step to a phoenix rising. You should feel no shame for being weak and being honest about that. EVERYONE feels that way.. at least at one point in their lives.

The test of a person of potential strength is that they don't let it stay there. They do something about it. They take action. They don't feel miserable in their situation they see the opportunities to overcome!!! because I now whole-heartily believe that ANY challenge ANY hardship and ANYTHING you have faced in the past, present and future can overcome. you can be 100% victorious.

plainspeak.

{aaron roche and sound engineer and recordist, konrad synder, in the studio // NASHVILLE, TN}

my friend aaron roche just came out with his new album.

plainspeak.

its is really really good.

aaron roche has always been an amazing singer/songwriter

but in this new album he explores some new textures with his music style.

following somewhat in the footsteps of Sufjan Stevens, and playing music very spiritually influenced.. he has now added, with the help of friend, Tim Hinck, experimental and orchestral layering into his melodically sweet tunes.

the sweetness still lingers but in a somewhat dissonant and complex use of a variety of other instruments.

And! this is the first album in which Aaron Roche "rocks out" a little.

some electric guitar can be found interweaved // and his Sufjan-quality whispery falsetto comes to somewhat of a more forceful rockin rasp.!

Lyrically, Aaron, has always been off the nose and alluding, creating deeper ideas within his melodies..

In this album he goes even farther, especially with the song 'Verses for Madonna of Humility with the Temptation of Eve', in word painting and imagery that stirs the mind.

Its the darker side to Aaron's work which usually is oriented with warmth and happy lyrics.. 'mother of the bone, button and the tiny teeth..'

I start seeing dark faces peering through the glass of Tim Hinck's oboe arrangement.

I definitely recommend checking it out

In fact! you can listen to the entire album below..

//hosted by bandcamp//

If you like it! buy it! support support HERE

the jensen camp got its kanye

bought

my beautiful dark twisted fantasy

yesterday

so far so good.

the amount of guest appearance is ridiculous!

ALL OF THE LIGHTS // this song features

john legend

the-dream

ryan leslie

tony williams

charlie wilson

elly jackson

alicia keys

fergie

KID CuDi

Rihanna

&&

Elton John

this is INCREDIBLE

this is my brother's cover of Temper Trap's SWEET DISPOSITION

all instruments (including midi sounds from his midi keyboard .. for drums and such) were recorded and played by my brother. he sings as well..

blow away.

Sweet Disposition by Erik Jensen by sahalemarja

SNOW days

I've been trapped in an early Thanksgiving vacation.

Its been the most gorgeous start to winter.

its has been so cold here. colder than I think it ever has!!

down to 11 degrees last night.

In other news! I got my own camera. a CANON 60 D! lookin pretty good.
film capable at present! more more snow

a little obsessed with this artist.

daniele buetti

daniele buetti

daniele buetti

daniele buetti

what sucks

is someone telling you they think you might have low self esteem.

what doesn't suck, is to know that you weren't struggling with low self esteem but struggling with a vitamin D deficiency???

I have seriously

not been able to snap of this funk.

this sudden sadness that would grip me and not let me go.

I turned to unhealthy things and means to pull myself out of it. romances, drinking, curling up in a ball and laying in my bed for hours.. not engaging in life, etc.

I ended up feeling selfish, I ended up disliking myself. Not for what I actually did.. but for what I wanted to do..

I felt self consumed and self indulgent. Even if I didn't act on it on the outside, I felt it and knew it was true on the inside. I easily allow myself to be a victim.. I had to much worry and sadness to stand up for myself. I had to validate myself through always pleasing everyone..

Then I went to go to the doctor. For a general check up but also to get some answers, because suddenly I wasn't going to be fooled anymore.

I felt crazy.

I logically wanted one thing but my body made me feel miserable for it.

I knew that not everyone could possibly feel this way!

people that I respect and admire were naturally happy..

A week later.

My blood panel showed a severe vitamin D deficiency and I was perscribed a heavy dose of vitamin D.. 50,000 units a week.. to catch up.

Suddenly the world just is. Not in worry or anxiety.. not in constant over analyzation of myself or of others.. like before.

Finally..!!!

I tried to change my attitude a million times ..

but I know now it is impossible to be happy

if your body is sabotaging you.

Vitamin D.. while not a proven cure for depression and definitely not for most cases..

does control the serotonin in your brain.. or the hormone that triggers happiness.

seriously guys.

get regular check ups.
it could change your life quite profoundly.

&&

happiness + joy might be as near as a vitamin D prescription.

whats good. bamzers.

working on projects!

excited to have myself to myself.
working on making everything in my life amazing!
every detail.. down to the last.
plugging those cracks.. nothing will get through!

decide I need a

*wardrobe rehaul
*some interior design
*sexy underwear
*get rid of everything I don't need
*learn new recipes.. cook new dishes
*make an exercise//nutrition program.
*start making art ALL the time.


by george, im starting to feel sesual.

2 bands of import/bandcamp

found this site called bandcamp.
it helps artists sell their work online without a record label.

great for browsing new artists. I found two artist of import.
but don't take my word for it listen

SEAPONY // SEATTLE, WA

STAR SLINGER // amazing amazing
check out more from this artist here

new lykke li // get some??

Lykke Li - Get Some (Director: Johan Söderberg) from Lykke Li on Vimeo.

sums up all I want in life.

all stolen from this site ------> here // the december runaways

if we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything is ready, we shall never begin.

//ivan turgenev

"I want someone who will be monogamous and nice to his mother. And I want someone who likes musicals, but knows to just shut his mouth when I’m watching Lost. And I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame, and strip clubs are gross. I want someone who will actually empty the dishwasher instead of just taking out forks as needed - like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms, like a damn Disney prince. And I want him to genuinely like me. Even when I’m old. And that’s what I want."

-Liz Lemon, 30 Rock

last night.

{{found on the streets of seattle}}

you can't really get mad at someone for not accepting you if you don't accept yourself..

..:. in fact I believe that most people who accept themselves aren't really paying attention to whether or not other people do too..:.

should be a no brainer. definitely a cliche!

but for the longest time I didn't accept this mantra as true altruism {{with a touch of objectivism.}} or get the cliche on a deeper level at all.

"love your neighbor as YOURSELF."

step 1.
love yourself. {{harder than it looks}}

a. may require counseling

b. may require discipline

c. may require antidepressants haha

d. etc.. etc.. etc..

step 2.
life becomes joyful

a. anxiety free

b. you can see life as an opportunity

c. you stop putting off happiness/having stipulations for happiness because you like where you are at.

((I'll be happy when I get a car.. a girlfriend.. a killer job.. etc.. etc..

d. you stop destructively demoralizing yourself. putting yourself down. limiting yourself.

step 3.
you will be able to love your neighbor.

a. motivated truly and selflessly without need of validation..

b. not as self focused

c. interested in deeper not immediately gratifying things. you'll put mileage in.

step 4.
that love will come back around.

a. self explanatory

b. other wise known as karma

c. otherwise know as this ganstas!!

{{ you can sort out the generalizations.}}


Last night I went over to my friend's house to watch Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince in preparation for the 7th movie. All of them are avid Harry Potter-ers.. and I have to admit I was a little bit lost, not being that much of a Harry Potter-er myself. But, as my friend and I were talking after the film she gave me a pretty interesting thought to ponder..

As young people we tend to love the idea of possibilities. Life is full of them and, especially at this age, with nothing set in stone we can act on those possibilities quite freely. That is alluring and exciting, but, also, its the time to solidify the constants in life and narrow the possibilities ..so to speak. You might think it is sad that this has to happen. We look at our parents and their narrowed possibilities, the things that tie them down, and think that sucks. However, I'm starting to believe that it is necessary to being a whole person.

If you don't commit yourself to anything you'll end up with nothing. If you don't decide who you are, then you will end up being and standing for nothing.
If you value everything, you will end up valuing nothing.

If everything is sacred, then by definition, nothing is.

For instance, travel. Travel is filled with possibilities. Travel can take you anywhere and you can travel on a whim if you like. But if you are always traveling, then you can never build anything.. you can never invest in anything.



Our joint theory became that, traveling, in all aspects of life, seems so much easier.

Never deciding who you are means that you never have to be rejected.

Being honest about yourself is the hardest thing you can do. Its very vulnerable. You are telling others: this is who I am.. this is what I stand for.. now you can take me or leave me.

If they decide to leave you, especially at your most vulnerable, it can be heartbreaking.

So wandering from different versions of yourself, from person to person, to be accepted by everyone, to please everyone becomes very attractive.

but I think its time not to be fooled anymore..

You may please people, on the surface, but its yourself you have to live with.

Its yourself you need to respect and empower.

Its not about validation through others' acceptance, but finally being able to accept yourself, wholly and completely.

Make yourself the person you wanna be and narrow your faults down to the margin you are comfortable with.. mold yourself into a person that YOU can love and admire..

and then "take" the friends that will respect and care about that version of yourself and even desire to better it, support it... and "leave" all the rest behind. Sometimes its about quality vs. quantity. Sometimes its about getting real about yourself.. not only for yourself but also to be able to be there for others on true and substantive plane.

wha?? awesome!!

from my brother..

why..

when I want to look like this..

..do I always end up looking like this???? //

{{sahale smash!!}}

I'm conviced

The Sartorialist

is the Martha Stewart of the indie crowd.

I guess sometimes when I roll out of bed.. 30 min late, my priorities tend to shrink up into the sad state you find me in.

dang, being awesome takes a lot of time..

wondering

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////

tid bits for you.

I got strangely inspired by this website today.
I'm not sure what it was about it.. kinda normal consumer-y type site.

CELEBRATE yourself. empower yourself.

CULTIVATE wisdom.

BE inspired.

FOLLOW your dreams.

CREATE potential for soul mates.

my morning. commute.

.: thanks KEXP :.

P.S.
vetrans day rocks!
(no traffic!!)

Dear Seattle Commuter,

i encourage you
to skip work to
thank your veteran

thanks,
Sahale's Evening Commute

yes! this what I needed to hear

}}}}}}}{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{

I just found this interview and it really encouraged me.. good to hear ideas coming from someone else, that you may have been thinking and trying to formulate for a while.. makes you feel like you are not alone .. or perhaps just a weirdo.

I thought, dear readers, this might be encouraging to you too

: )

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Excerpts from Sufjan Steven's Interview with

Being an artist of some repute do you find the calling to spread the Good News sits awkwardly with your profile? Is it difficult?

SS: Not necessarily, you know, I think the Good News is about grace and hope and love and a relinquishing of self to God. And I think the Good News of salvation is kind of relevant to everyone and everything.

I find as I get older due to a sequence of events spirituality becomes more intriguing, though having been indoctrinated with the hard line dogma that I’d go to hell if I didn’t follow certain practices and believe very specific things, I was quite angry about Christianity for a while.

SS: Oh dear.

I suppose you could call it Protestant guilt.

SS: The church is an institution and it’s incredibly corrupt obviously, but that’s because it’s full of dysfunctional people and people who are hurt and battered and abused.

It’s very normal in any institution to have that kind of level of dysfunction. That’s unfortunate. I find it very difficult, I find church culture very difficult you know; I think a lot of churches now are just fundamentally flawed.

But that’s true for any institution you know, that’s true for education, universities and it’s definitely true for corporations because of greed, and I think part of faith is having to be reconciled with a flawed community.

But the principles, I don’t think the principles have changed. They can get skewed and they can get abused and dogma can reign supreme, but I think the fundamentals, it’s really just about love. Loving God and loving your neighbour and giving up everything for God. The principles of that, the basis of that is very pure and life changing.

Do you believe that God can be reached through other faiths? John 14:6 categorically states Jesus is "the way, the truth and the life" and nobody can get to the Father except through him. A lot of people take that very literally and don’t believe you can find spirituality through Buddhism or Islam or whatever...

SS: Yeah, I mean who can know the mind of God and who can be his counselor? It’s not man’s decision, you know. If God is infinite and he’s in all of us and he created the world then I feel there is truth in every corner. There’s a kind of imprint of his life and his breath and his word and everything. You know, I’m no religious expert, and I don’t make any claims about the faith. All I can account for is myself and my own belief and that’s a pretty tall order just to take account of myself. I can’t make any claims about other religions. There’s no condemnation in Christ, that’s one of the fundamentals of Christianity.

The Gospels are a good read, and then you get Paul ruining everything with his right wing attitudes.

SS: Well Paul is a good reference for the character of church institutions, the setting down of cultural principles. Because God is the church and the church is an institution and the institution is culture; you have to reckon with all the trappings of culture and that’s kind of what Paul designed. You know, that was his role. You can’t read it without looking at it in the cultural context of the time and place, it’s inherent you know.

Church originally was a body of people and it had nothing to do with a building.

SS: I mean it’s weird. What’s the basis of Christianity? It’s really a meal, it’s communion right? It’s the Eucharist. That’s it, it’s the sharing a meal with your neighbors and what is that meal? It’s the body and blood of Christ. Basically God offering himself up to you as nutrition. Haha, that’s pretty weird. It’s pretty weird if you think about that, that’s the basis of your faith. You know, God is supplying a kind of refreshment and food for a meal. Everything else is just accessories and it’s vital of course, baptism and marriage, and there’s always the sacraments and praying and the Holy Spirit and all this stuff but really fundamentally it’s just about a meal.

And there’s the cross of course. It’s an extremely powerful symbol and it has permeated into some of the greatest art and literature of the last couple of thousand years, but it’s peculiar that people wear an object that represents the putting to death of their Lord.

SS: It’s really morbid. It’s a really morbid symbol you know. It is very grotesque when you start thinking about it. But it’s also beautiful you know, it’s the ultimate sacrifice. And I think it relates to the meal as well because it’s Christ giving up his blood and flesh as food and that then itself is the giving up of his body for eternal life, therefore salvation. Whatever that means...”

I don’t know. It’s all a bit of a mystery to me.

SS: It’s the most important thing to me really but it’s also really important I don’t get too caught up in it. There’s a necessity for casualness, you know, because I think fear and anxiety are not elements in faith. And I think doubt is important and questioning and all that. I think there’s been too much made from fear and condemnation to manipulate people. I think that’s an atrocity really.

POLADROID // smile of note

outfits of note for today.

headless.>.

brown tights

and pink and black striped long blouse

and black sweater

from TARGET

brand name black tank top from rugged warehouse

striped and awesome skirt from urban outfiters **gifty

listening to marissa nadler today.

watch out for vincent moon..

he'll blow our minds!

and here

work for work. haha

friend "a not so still life" on facebook.. then see it. its alright, I won't tell anyone..

christmas!

Christmas is upon us!
the most wonderful time of the year!
it not because of the presents.. its not even totally because of getting together with family.. (sorry guys..)
it because of that feeling in the air..
well the feeling you get when you aren't around the local shopping mall.
there always seems to be a sort of magical feel.

I watched Rick Steve's European Christmas last night, I know cheese and corn.. but! I love it because it seems to very much capture that essence.. ode de noel. Lighting the Christmas tree, Christmas Eve Dinner, snow, caroling.. Christmas stories and movies..

may Christmas inspire you this year.

make yourself a promise.
get all your shopping done early, so the season isn't tainted by consumer things..

make yourself able to enjoy it.

i want to be well

today was an amazing day.
today I feel like God spoke to me for the first time in months. maybe a whole year.



me and my friend, Emily, went down to Compline.
Compline is a service at St. Mark's Cathedral in Capitol Hill, Seattle.
Seattle is the #1 most atheistic city in the nation, but it is a come as you are city. Not much pressure to be anything but who you are. Compline was the most amazing service I have ever been to because it was a catholic chanting sevice.. and most of the people crowded in there were my age, mid twenties, and sat on the floor. Laid on the floor and gazed at the ceiling as the small choir's liturgical song and service echoed in the grand space of the auditorium. The sanctuary was awkwardly shaped. It felt more like a mosque than a church and the tall pillars holding the roof up had a distinct Asian influence. It was another unusual thing: full. People came because they wanted to.. because the service was what it was and you could come as who you were. They weren't apologetic about worshiping and adoring God and because they respected you and didn't try to train religion to make it marketable or seem cheap, and you didn't dance around who you were with God and could come before Him alone. It didn't matter if you showed up or not because they would have sang even if you didn't come. They weren't singing for you, to please you.. they were singing in worship God and to please Him.

I think the reason church sometimes feels so hypocritical because we continue to come only to focus on ourselves and what we expect catered to us.. instead of coming to be transformed by the experience, come because we are seeking God.

Sometimes in all the hustle and bustle you loose site of what is really important.. and its not ourselves. The calming music left for reflection.. and thought.

My friend, Christa, also helped with this triad of inspiration. I was talking to her about my struggle with others being uncomfortable with me because of my beliefs.. of getting trampled in the mess of other's hurt over God and hurting me in the process... some part of you seems a little dead and you start dragging it around.. and soon its a heavy weight.

She told me "they just don't know God. I mean they don't really know God."

I feel like if other's knew my God the way that I do life would be beautiful. Full of meaning. I don't know, maybe a god isn't relevant to how a lot of people see life, but for me it is. If I didn't experience Him I wouldn't have any basis for continuing to seek Him... If logic, dry and basic wisdom, and the reason of my deepest heart didn't keep me coming back here, I would have ditched God along time ago..

But I wish to be transformed from my consistently broken self, so that it is tangible and knowable.
To come as I am.. to be me, to be a human being, filled with bittersweet wins and failures and yet be an image of God too.

Sufjan Stevens topped the bill tonight, and, I think, transformed me from stone to living flesh and bones.
His song "I Want to Be Well" was in my ipod as I flew back home on I-5..

I've heard Sufjan suffers and struggles with mental issues. Depression being one of these. And I thought about my depression and anxiety issues that I have marked me with so much shame..
I don't know if Sufjan is talking about fighting the illness in his mind or the spiritual battles he faces
..but the words struck a unsettling close chord as the tumultuous chorus circled.

the simple words

"I want to be well, I want to be well, I want to be well, I want to be well.
I'm not fucking around."

And I thought "Amen"

"Illness likes to prey upon the lonely, prey upon the lonely
Wave goodbye, oh, I would rather be, but I would rather give up"

'Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees.'

//Victor Hugo

just push play .:.

im small (chuck brody remix) // phantogram

this weeks top songs/guilty pleasures gahhhh!

outfit of note .:. and experimental photography of the day

doggy face!

!

daze on the porch look // soooooooo hip // haha

today was for some swagger

patterned tights .:. target

glass necklace from venice // black skort dress with pink wife beater underneath