Gambino is pretty good

At freestylin'



Vince Staples && Tyler


Tyler is hilarious :)

favorite summer song of 2015

Can't get enough :)

impact.

This is might be a weird post.

Sorry, but this might also be a downer... so feel free not to read on.

I follow the news religiously. Mostly because I don't have a lot to do at work but also because I liked to be a educated world citizen and know what is going on.

Google News isn't always the best news but it generally is a good place to start. As, I was perusing the top news stories on google, there was one that weirdly seemed out of place because it was so specific.

I won't get into too much detail. But it was about a woman who was killed in a very painful and traumatic way.

There was a video. Well, a video of the moments before it happened. I watched it.

I was horrified.

Watching that happen in front of my eyes made such an impression.

NO!!!!

This is not real. Somebody please do something. But then like that, its over. Nothing can salvage it.

I kept thinking about it. Thinking and thinking.

Maybe, I shouldn't have watched it. What did I expect? Did I have to be that curious??!

But then it started working on me. It so deeply effected me.

It made me sick to think of how fear has paralyzed me. How I have distanced myself from love for so long out of wanting to be perfect and appear perfect.

All I know is, if I had to endure that much desperate fear and physical pain.. I would NOT want the mental anguish in that moment of having lived a shitty life. A life that is not genuine to me. The mental desperation of never having experienced real love. And mental conflict of never sticking my neck out for it.

That moment haunts me.

Literally, every time I have wanted to chicken out in little ways the last couple days, I've picture that scene and deep within me the emotion it evokes destroys my cowardice.

I want to live boldly.
I don't want to fear death.

the castle.

I rewatched the movie "The Castle" the other night.

It has to be the cutest movie ever made. The characters are so endearing. The father truly is the one of the most genuine characters I have seen on the screen. He makes your heart spill over with love just a little.

It reminded me what a movie can do. How much it can effect your spirits. Movies are great tools to access bits and pieces of bliss. Just as effective as a good meditation session, I think.

I highly recommend The Castle if you have a dry sense of humor and are hankering for some comedy.

It will lift your soul a little bit :)

new tunes I love.

hannah montana is so 2011

This has to be one of the best things I've seen.
I liked this song, but the the strings!! and they attack it with such confidence.. even given the lyrics. hahaha awesome $$

Treat yo-self.

50 to 100 real quick

This last weekend we took some of my mom's ashes up to Rosario Beach to spread them in the water. It felt like it should have been a beautiful moment, but I think I spent the rest of the weekend recovering from the stress.

I was weird to hold her ashes in my hands. It was sort of the most intimate yet scary things you could do for someone.

And of course I miss her. And doing these kinds of things reminds me of that.

I hope it will be healing. In the moment, it seems so hard.

I dreaded come back to work today because usually I use the weekend to recharge and feel ready to tackle everything that is happening there. And to be honest, work is not the most exciting thing going on in my life. I constantly feel like I am looking for an escape. I can't wait to reach the goals I have been working on.

So today have decided to work on liking work. Maybe not loving work, but finding the things about it that I can make challenge me and make interesting to me. I mean, the fact that is not intellectually stimulating and that I am bored a lot the time could be, in fact, a challenge.. if I look at it the right way.

I don't push myself enough. I don't motivate myself enough. I always see life at 100% or 0% and somewhere along the way I need to work on being 100% even when I feel 50%.

That is why I feel miserable going back to work. That is why I spend my weekends hiding from work. Because, recently, I have felt miserable in my personal life and then I have to go to work and feel a miserable 50% there.

But I realized that I don't have to feel that way. My life doesn't have to make me a prisoner. I just need to change my perspective. Make the things that are 50% my 100%. Which is hard. But its for me. Its for my own happiness and attracting further positivity in my life. Because not doing well at work creates a lot a shame for me. I love been going at what I do.. I love having a stimulating work environment.. I love working hard. But in a lot of these jobs I've had I don't feel challenged and I don't feel motivated and then I start doing poorly. And when I do poorly I don't really like myself.

Sure, its not my fault. A job has to fit you too but right now my job is a means to my bigger life goals.

I know its going to be hard for a bit. Life isn't going to be some magical thing where everything is going to fit me 100% all the time. But there can be a net positivity in my life instead of a net negativity. As long as things are net positive, I will be okay.

And that, right now, is mostly up to me.

ce weekend

This weekend we are going up to Rosario beach to sprinkle my mom's ashes in the ocean so that they will bioluminesce with the phosphorescent microorganisms.

It was one of her last requests.

It will be a healing weekend but not one I am really looking forward to.
The idea of it seems really stressful.

I think it is simply because the loss of my mom brings up all the many feelings and fears I have about loss and abandonment.

I don't want to feel this fear but I also think that I must face these feelings head on to work through them. And I need to face this challenge alone.

I so tired of needing some coping mechanism or somebody to be be there for me when I am scared and facing things that create anxiety in me (in lieu of emotions) or emotions (when I am able to express them). I want to do this for me and to know that I am strong enough to face it.


So I am a little scared but I little liberated and excited to go on this adventure.

I'll let you know what happens.

this is an amazing aspiration

Reading C.S. Lewis' "The Four Loves" and found this amazing thought. 

New Readings: Choke

Walle - Festivus

Found this on an old mix from a friend :)

Good listening!


Wale - Festivus

pom pom

 

Wore my pom pom earrings from Paris this morning for the first time

I think they intimidated me haha

5 years

I have learned A LOT the last 5 years I have been out of college and in the real world.

(I can't even believe it has been that long)

I have dated a lot, I have had sex for the very first time, I have tried to love.. but I don’t think I’ve been in love.

I had a horrible job that hurt me and took the life out of me. It was a job that started so great but I put hours and hours into it without “getting better”. I crawled out of that year by breaking up with someone I was certain loved me but who was treating me terribly and quitting a whole career path I was sure I would take.

I spent 3-4 weeks in bed watching Law and Order, crying, because of the pain and anguish caused by these two hurts. I spent nearly a year getting over that pain enough to cope.

I know that sacrificing yourself for a job is not worth it. Ever. Hard work is great but compromising who you are: not good. Work doesn’t care about YOU. I learned that trying to save someone from their own demons does not work in a relationship. Ever. And to give respect, you have to give space and let them fly free and learn and grow in ways you might not understand but are exactly the love they need.

I found out I have an anxiety disorder. I went to therapy for a year and have been on medication. I am taking responsibility for my anxiety and I am not letting it mess with my life.

I had my mom die. She was so sick for so long before it happened. And it happened peacefully. But it was and still is so weird. And there is such a hole in my heart over it. I learned not to put anything off assuming you can have it later.

In all this, I found that I am the only one who truly can care what happens to me. I am the only one who can truly take care of myself. My choices determine what I get out of life and where I am headed. I need to be truly independent and commit to that so that I can embrace the joy that is underlying all the pain that I have felt. 

I want to be around people who are open and authentic and share their real self. Because I am so tired of editing myself. And I really am tired of too much time dedicated to past pain. I want to be around others who are supporting and understanding each other so that they can move thorough it and not remain stuck.

I want a new relationship with God that is not about self sacrifice or about self hatred or a diminishing of the self. I want a relationship with God that is focused on self compassion and love and a giving back of that love to others. I want to feel enlivened by my faith in God and universe instead of downtrodden and falling short. I want to focus on the spirituality I believe in and kind of world I want to be a part of. 

I have learned a ton. 

And I undervalue that. 

I want to hear and understand others’ thoughts and opinions but I can’t discount mine own .. because I have gone through the fire and do have knowledge because of that.

Not because I think I know everything but precisely because I know that I know nothing.

I strive to learn more because I know I can always grow.

some inspirations

sunshine is coming.

the best.

CS to the Lewis

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

"Our job is to love people. When it hurts. When it's awkward. When its uncool and embarrassing. Our job is to stand together, to carry the burdens of one another and to meet each other in our questions."

-Jamie Tworkowksi

"Everybody talks about wanting to change things and help and fix, but ultimately all you can do is fix yourself. And that's a lot. Because if you can fix yourself, it has a ripple effect."

-Rob Riener

Looping

I love having people around who act on their feelings and don't overanalyze themselves.

Mostly because I am preeeetttty bad at that.

So it always gives me joy to hear a comment from a genuinely horny guy or a straight up pissed off girl. Its so purest! And it actually makes me happy and relieved in some ways that its so surface and upfront.

They are who they are. They don't a darn crap what you think about it. They will even probably laugh with you about it when you call them on it.

Today I want to be more like that. Instead of looping my thoughts or having to be perfect or even "good", I want to be right up front, straight honest to everyone and anyone.

Looping my thoughts and wondering how I could be better is a one way trap to misery.

You can ALWAYS do better. So I will do better but be okay with where I am now too.

Thoughtfulness is good when embraced in a healthy way. But it also should contain a does of reality and a dose of finally-just-shut-up-brain-and-act-on-it. :)

 

Don't get stuck in a feedback loop of DOOM!

Emotions.

I have been realizing that emotions are incredibly important. Incredibly.

Forever I have tried to avoid them so that I didn't have to appear weak, or sad, or angry. I didn't want anything to show its affect on me.

But I have found that holding my emotions at bay has also not allowed true joy or happiness or a connection to real love to form.

Joy is not real without the genuine sadness of loss or standing up for what you believe in through anger.

When I was in middle school I was a total grump. I was never happy. There was nothing to be happy about. I felt trapped in a world where nothing I wanted was happening.
This, of course, did not win me friends or any points towards deeper relationships.
My attitude improved over time and I was able to find the good in everything around me. Even if it was just one small thing that was interesting and amazing to me, I would find it.

 

But looking back, I know that I was grumpy because of my lack of acceptance for my negative emotions which manifested into something worse. I didn't want to feel the discomfort and likewise I didn't really want to feel any joy. I was so discontent with having to constantly push my bad emotions to the side that there was no reason to feel happy. I just wanted to be pissed that things weren't going my way.

My inability to see my emotions for what they were and give myself the space to feel them capped my ability to connect with anything. I see that now.
 
It is true, however, that when you allow your emotions space, you also have to connect with uncomfortable feelings.

That is just life. There is a constant ebb and flow and nothing is going to be one hundred percent positive all the time or it is not anchored in reality.

This is where I get scared.

I fear that I cannot hold the discomfort and the bad emotions. Or if I can that I will have to deal with them all alone. (PS. when I felt this way, I got a therapist. Then you don't have to be alone while you work through this stuff. :) Its a gift I gave myself)

I can't let them coexist and work through them. I just felt I had to jump to the next high of emotional joy. I had to be the bigger person and ignore the bad to be the champion of the good!!

Happiness, in this context, is such a dangerous word because it implies that you have to be positive and joyful all the time. Even when it is not genuinely how you are feeling.

For me happiness is morphing into acceptance. Loving yourself is accepting these feelings too.

I have found that this previous denial doesn't work long term. The discomfort is not your enemy. It is trying to tell you something. It also something that you will always have cope with if you want to be functional and have the things you want in life.


Sometimes you have to dwell with the discomfort. Become its friend. Accept it for what it is and not be scared of how long it will be with you. Invite it to stay as long as it has too so that you can really process and move forward.

Because emotions are what make life beautiful and allow you to connect to the goodness too. They help you appreciate the goodness when it comes because you have also lived and accepted the feelings that aren't so great.

Emotions also allow you to connect with what your needs are. When something makes you sad or anxious or angry, those emotions are just as important to embrace so that you can find what makes you happy too.

It helps you connect to something and know when its real love you are connected to.

The empathy you feel and the care you show other's feelings is a manifestation of acknowledging and taking care of your own emotions.

When I was simply grumpy, it kept everyone around me at a distance. Without an emotional connection there was no intimacy. Without being vulnerable no one could really empathize or care too much about me. :(

I am obviously just coming to this realization in the full sense of what it means. I am seeing how much more I have to learn about love and my own happiness.

Embracing my emotions is my commitment. I have spent too much time in the dark of fear. I am ready to try for reals!!