impact.

This is might be a weird post.

Sorry, but this might also be a downer... so feel free not to read on.

I follow the news religiously. Mostly because I don't have a lot to do at work but also because I liked to be a educated world citizen and know what is going on.

Google News isn't always the best news but it generally is a good place to start. As, I was perusing the top news stories on google, there was one that weirdly seemed out of place because it was so specific.

I won't get into too much detail. But it was about a woman who was killed in a very painful and traumatic way.

There was a video. Well, a video of the moments before it happened. I watched it.

I was horrified.

Watching that happen in front of my eyes made such an impression.

NO!!!!

This is not real. Somebody please do something. But then like that, its over. Nothing can salvage it.

I kept thinking about it. Thinking and thinking.

Maybe, I shouldn't have watched it. What did I expect? Did I have to be that curious??!

But then it started working on me. It so deeply effected me.

It made me sick to think of how fear has paralyzed me. How I have distanced myself from love for so long out of wanting to be perfect and appear perfect.

All I know is, if I had to endure that much desperate fear and physical pain.. I would NOT want the mental anguish in that moment of having lived a shitty life. A life that is not genuine to me. The mental desperation of never having experienced real love. And mental conflict of never sticking my neck out for it.

That moment haunts me.

Literally, every time I have wanted to chicken out in little ways the last couple days, I've picture that scene and deep within me the emotion it evokes destroys my cowardice.

I want to live boldly.
I don't want to fear death.