Under the Sea

Looking at a Jacques Cousteau book at work today

self trust.

Number one thing I am working on currently is self trust.

It seems so weird that it has taken me this long. But really, anxiety can have a devastating effect on your intuition and can make you question the things you do all the time. You will intuitively know that you should make a particular decision for yourself but the fact you are anxious makes you re-examine and question it over and over and over.

Building self-trust, for me, it going to have to be a long process of suffering and holding my anxiety and then watching the world more carefully to see how much my anxiety in projecting on to it.

Trusting the beauty that is inside of me when I am facing things that scare me is the hardest thing. I tend to discredit the glowing person that I can be when I am happy.

When I am happy, life is good just where it stands and I can accept whatever there is as neither good nor bad. But when I am anxious, I have a hard time doing this for myself and people who don't understand anxiety don't really have compassion for that.

That is why self trust has been hard because I have denied myself self-compassion about where my struggles are. I see myself as the only one who is having a hard time and I don't see that people from all walks struggle with their own form of anxiety and have their own issues that hurt them everyday.

Self trust will put me in a better place. Getting into the present and out of my head will put me in a better place.

When you do things out of anxiety it can be hard not to feel shame. But what I definitely am learning is that you will stay stuck unless you put one foot in front of the other.

There is nothing I can do to change my past and the mistakes I have made or the shame that anxiety has made me feel.

All I can do is make my present vibrant and amazing. That is taking one step forward instead of allowing myself to become stuck.

embracing concepts.

These are the ideas I am trying to embrace to get through my anxiety.

Radical Acceptance.

stop labeling things and experiences as "good" or "bad". They just ARE.

Present Mindfulness.

find joy in this very moment. The past is done. 

Practice Gratitude.

focus your energy on what is amazing in your life versus what you don't have.

Trust the flow.

let the flow create solutions and your path. Stick with fear instead of running. Trust that the universe is good.

in the moment.

“When you are washing the dishes, washing the dishes must be the most important thing in your life. Just as when you are drinking tea, drinking tea must be the most important thing in your life. Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the whole world revolves—slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future. Live the actual moment. Only this actual moment is life.”

—	Thich Nhat Hanh

Combat baby.

The wonderfully natural way I combat my anxiety. Mint/chamomile tea with 4 full droppers of Valerian tincture added. It's AMAZING

way behind.

Listened to my friend, Aaron Roche's album. Its not new anymore. I am way behind.

Still makes me happy :)

Kaizen

I love this idea so much! Consistent, sustainable, concrete goals.

embrace the philosophy of small, continuous improvement

or 

Kaizen

"While Kaizen was originally developed to help businesses improve and thrive, it’s just as applicable to our personal lives, and it’s the antidote to perpetual, puke-inducing rides on the self-improvement roller coaster. Instead of trying to make radical changes in a short amount of time, just make small improvements every day that will gradually lead to the change you want. Each day, just focus on getting 1% better in whatever it is you’re trying to improve. That’s it. Just 1%. "

Read more here: Art of Manliness <<<

the perks of anxiety

I have thought A LOT about the downside to anxiety, but this morning I starting thinking about the good things.

Yes, the good things.

Anxiety does do several things that I am extremely grateful for.

First, it has made me extremely attentive to the world and to others' feelings. I am sensitive, yes, and probably because of my anxiety.. but I also am very sensitive to other people and to the beautiful things in the world. I can recognize and cherish them only because my extreme attentiveness allows me to notice those things. This, in moderation, and in balance with my own life has been an amazing blessing. I am working on that balance everyday.

Second, going along with sensitivity, having the handicap of being anxious has forced me to better myself all the time. I have had to take a hard look at things in my life and take action for myself. Take responsibility for myself. Anxiety didn't force that on me but without it I may not appreciate the progress and steps I have made along the way to be a better person and to feel better. When you know how hard it can be, you can have empathy for others and compassion for yourself.

Life can sometimes be about suffering but if anxiety is one of the worst things going on in my life, I count myself as very lucky. I have never found suffering to be just for its sake. Everything that has happened to me has shaped and molded me and, I think, only made me better.

Though I can agonize about whether or not my anxiety makes me more difficult or question my worth when it is at its peak, today I realized I am an amazing person because of my anxiety.

Embrace your faults, I say. They are mostly what makes you who you are. You can always self-improve and get better along with all the rest in the world but your faults are truly your own. Who you are is defined by how you approach your faults. How you handle them.

I love that thought :)

Recent Adventures .:.

Being human. Quotes

Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
- Miguel Angel Ruiz

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.

- Ephesians‬ ‭4:2‬ ‭NLT‬‬ 

It’s okay to be sad when you mess up, but don’t dwell for too long. The mistake has already been made, and you can’t erase the fact that it happened. You can either learn from it or mope about it. The choice is yours, but remember, we are only human; we were born to make mistakes. Simply put, if you have never made a mistake in your life, then that means that you have never taken a risk. Taking risks means that you go outside of your comfort zone – that you go outside of your boundaries. The most successful people are the ones who are not afraid to give it their all and possibly humiliate themselves greatly in front of others. It’s like that one saying, ‘The person who asks a question is a fool for five minutes, but the person who never asks and remains silent is a fool forever.’ You choose the way you want to live your life.

- Cynthia Amy Tang 

Strength doesn’t come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn’t do.

- Rikki Rogers

I can get my head turned by a good-looking [someone] as much as the next [person]. But sexy doesn’t impress me. Smart impresses me, strength of character impresses me. But most of all, I am impressed by kindness. Kindness, I think, comes from learning hard lessons well, from falling and picking yourself up. It comes from surviving failure and loss. It implies an understanding of the human condition, forgives its many flaws and quirks. When I see that in someone, it fills me with admiration.

- Lisa Unger

"Whatever you resist you become. If you resist anger, you are always angry. If you resist sadness, you are always sad. If you resist suffering, you are always suffering. If you resist confusion,you are always confused. We think that we resist certain states because they are there, but actually they are there because we resist them." 
— Adyashanti

The fact that you’re struggling doesn’t make you a burden. It doesn’t make you unloveable or undesirable or undeserving of care. It doesn’t make you too much or too sensitive or too needy. It makes you human. Everyone struggles. Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart. During these times, we aren’t always easy to be around — and that’s okay. No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time. Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult. And yes, you may sometimes do or say things that make the people around you feel helpless or sad. But those things aren’t all of who you are and they certainly don’t discount your worth as a human being. The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved. You can be difficult and still be cared for. You can be less than perfect, and still be deserving of compassion and kindness.

- Daniell Koepke

the tiny house movement.

This idea is calling my name. I would love to live in a tiny house. Simplicity and economy. Ultimate for my minimalist goals :)

Check more out at:
http://tinyhousesgalore.com/

Focused on myself.

I think I finally am getting the hang of focusing on myself.

Everyone has goals and mine have always been tangible. I could show someone what I had accomplished. This made it feel praise worthy.

But recently my goals have been decidedly inward. More about doing internal work. This is really for myself because it truly is for no one but me. No one will see the impact, there won't be any praise. I am hoping that I will just feel better and be stronger.

Mostly, I am trying to attend to my emotional needs. Stand up and say what I need and have my own back in those situations so that I can be strong. Also communication, communication, communication. I have been communicating as much as I can and as often as I can and I have not regretted it. I will learn how to move through conflict and I will learn how to lower the stakes and realize the more upfront I am at the beginning the more I will get what I need. And also not hurt others in the process.

Anxiety has been plaguing me too and I have upped my medication and promised myself that I will stick to it. I will take my meds everyday because I know that is taking care of myself. I also am considering talking to a psychiatrist to tweak my meds and to see if there is anyway of pinpointing my anxiety disorder and figuring out how to treat it better.

Friendships are becoming so important. I have been trying to skate by on the shallow because its hard to be open and honest with yourself and in that process be authentic and make strong and durable connections with others. But true and deepening friendship are helping me do this and have the courage to do this. They are teaching me that communicating with someone who cares about you will never hurt. That people do not abandon you when you need them. And there are people who look deeper and see value in the things you have cultivated that aren't on the surface.

On the outside, I am losing weight and working on my acne. I know that both of these issues have been there because of the stress I have put on myself to be perfect. The more I let go and not stress eat and get motivated enough to exercise, the more that the weight falls off naturally. I have gone from 167 lbs to 142 lbs and counting. My goal weight is 135 but maybe I can make it to 130. The acne I have been battling for so long is finally starting to fade. I have found a skin care regime that seems to be tough enough to do that job but also gentle enough for my skin. Winning!!

Lastly, I am trying to make my world more... mine. I have started to slow down and be home more. Clean more. Organize more. Pay attention to the little details of my life and not distract myself all day and let the little things that improve my mood fall through the cracks. That means more tea and more reading of books and tending to my little garden and generally hanging out with myself.

I have every faith that things will fall together :) But eureka! I am going to take care of myself well in the meantime!