fast food & cynicism

“For, after all, you do grow up, you do outgrow your ideals, which turn to dust and ashes, which are shattered into fragments; and if you have no other life, you just have to build one up out of these fragments. And all the time your soul is craving and longing for something else. And in vain does the dreamer rummage about in his old dreams, raking them over as though they were a heap of cinders, looking in these cinders for some spark, however tiny, to fan it into a flame so as to warm his chilled blood by it and revive in it all that he held so dear before, all that touched his heart, that made his blood course through his veins, that drew tears from his eyes, and that so splendidly deceived him!”

- Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Although pretty, this is kind of B.S.


I don't think ideals die. 
That's what we call cynical. Which I am avoiding.
But I'm not being magical either. Fydor, is partially right, childhood ideals die, because they are reinvented, much smarter.

Ideals are targets you aim at, not standards to live up to.
But that doesn't mean they die. Thanks but no thanks, Dostoyevsky. you are depressing.

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Today we filmed an interview with a couple in downtown Seattle.
The purpose of the interview was to get the perspective of a brain injury survivor (her) and a brain injury care taker (her husband) and how the film our company produced has helped them cope.

It was something I wasn't particularly excited about. Added pressure, performance.. and the couple's downtown condominium was so nice I felt like a schlub just entering it.

But it was a real lesson to me.

She sat next to her husband as he talked about how hard it had been for him to take care of her.. to help her through her difficulties and fall out from the injury. How much he compromised for her.

My co-worker, Joel, later said he felt bad for her.. "how could her husband say such blunt things to her face about how much of a burden she had been?"

But as I had stood there in the room, I was thinking: thank God!


This couple was legit! 

He could be open and honest in the room, with the understanding that his expression of frustration had nothing to do with her, that she wouldn't take it personally.
As he spoke about how it hard it had been, she reached over and took his hand in her own.
Clearly, she knew what he had been doing for her.
Clearly, it didn't hurt her feelings for him to express it.
She knew his context.
She really trusted him and loved him.

After 30 years of marriage, he told us that he loved her more now than he ever did.
He didn't express his frustrations at her and the burden she was, he just was expressing that it was natural for him to give up those things for her.
And now, He values and wants to protect her more than ever because he almost lost her in the accident that left her with those injuries.

It wasn't the words he said, it was what he meant by them that meant so much, because he had sorted reality in the midst of their tragedy.

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That is what I want! A relationship filled with "the tough stuff" Real and challenging and honest and dynamic and gritty and all that!

And to them, their relationship didn't limit their options. They seemed better together than apart. Able to get more done as a team than alone. Really solid people!

I've been thinking a lot about my cynicism, because apparently I am cynical..?. Which is a surprise to me. I've been bitter, but I never thought of myself as a cynic. Maybe its because so many people around me are. Its a lot easier to be pleasantly surprised when you set your expectations low. I guess, I figure, if I never expect to find love or a kindred spirit, or someone who is mature enough to not drag me down... then I can never be disappointed. But sometimes I actually wonder if it is possible.

I've had examples of couples that I look to, who are what I want. But something about them is that they are never "my people". I start to wonder whether cool people value marriage the way they used to.. or if all the people that are interesting to me, sexy to me.. are rotten individuals.

I think one part of my theory is true. It has to do with fast food.

I think I get smoke thrown in my eyes from "fast food individuals". They are super attractive and interesting! Because fast food people have a lot of apparent value and very quickly. They are quick to compliment, seduce, give attention, give intimacy... Friends or lovers, doesn't matter. You need something, they deliver. yes... I always end up feeling sexy and smart .. who wouldn't be addicted to that feeling? But I have to realize its not happiness. I feel disgusting in the end, like eating way too much cotton candy.

It goes back to my theory of apparent value and invisible value. Apparent value feels so good! And its really easy because things that are apparent values in people, they aren't afraid to give out wholesale. I mean, if your apparent value is being willing to have promiscuous sex, it also means that sex and the person you give it to, can't really mean much to you either!

Yet, I see a lot of people fall for and then attribute a lot meaning towards these "fast food relationships" that aren't built on much. WHY?? And even more disturbing, red flags that I never see in healthy relationships, are rampant.

Its an oxymoron, people. Really it is.

When the fast food doesn't taste like the real meal, or doesn't sustain you like a real meal would and could... you aren't allowed to feel bad or get angry! .... But people do!

I mean, I don't want to be around someone who makes me feel bad about myself and I don't want to date someone I'm not attracted to (attraction is a lot more than looks btw) But my experimenting with keeping people around "to make me feel good" has already yielded enough heart break and cynicism to not like what it makes me. The secret is no one can make you happy from the outside.. It has to come from within. And, like I said, how can you ever do that if "fast food culture" destroys and mutilates a strong inward construction. If you live with "fast food love" for any period of time, it won't be long before it will be your only definition of love at all.

And through that, not only does it breed cynicism but it tears down the work you have done to be the awesome person you are. The constant high of the relationship is not worth its distortions of what a truly healthy and positive relationship could be. It is not worth the mind f%^k you have to dig yourself out of to be a functional person.

And if you settle for fast food relationships, remember, that's what you'll attract.

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I do want to have strong bonded relationships. I don't wanna settle and I can't wait to fall in love! And, Lord of heaven and earth, do want to have sex! haha...

But here's the kicker, honestly, I don't know if I'll want to get married yet, because I don't know if I'll ever meet anyone I want to get married to.


So truly, my journey is not really about finding the one! 
Its really just about being happy.

ME HAPPY! 

It's not like the rule is:


DONT DO THIS 
and
this 
and this 
and this


So you can fake being an awesome person and get married, have kids and make everyone think you have your crap figured out. 


For me, personally, its about ACTUALLY finding happiness and not sabotaging happiness through relationships. It about creating that meaning, not just for yourself, but for others....


and if I happen to create something inside me internally that externally turns into those other things and goals I really want in life.. (like marriage) that would be amazing :) In fact, I think that is the only way I can really have those things.

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I guess I've known all of this theoretically, but only in the last year have I really needed the extra strength these ideas provide to be successful in the bigger ways I been forced to grow. And fear of being alone, thinking that no one else values the things I do, or will ever have the same standards... has held me back too... you know, heart over head as usual.

I guess that's why I've (in)voluntarily chosen to be alone at choice moments.

Being alone is scary. 

I didn't realize how not a loner I am, until I found myself a forced loner.

But not dealing with my issues that make me susceptible to the attraction of "fast food solutions" and "fast food people" in my life.. just makes it easier for me never to meet the legit people, who could rescue me from my pattern of cynicism...which is definitely scarier. 

As many jacked up, stupid people there are... there are as many smart, motivated people who will take to time to invest in a "non-fast food relationship" and the "invisible value" (as I call it) that is revealed over time. Although the negative experiences always seem to weigh heavier on the mind, I can't let it build a "giving up" mentality within me, or a rampant cynicism that will just turn-off those who could provide that real love and support to me and visa versa.

So. I'm not going to be mean. I am not going to shut the door in people's face. I am not going to stop loving people and having faith in them. (And most people aren't 100% fast food anyway, they just act "fast food" despite themselves haha :) even me... sometimes)

People who are on that path to becoming "fast food" or treat me like "fast food" will simply: 
get ignored.

They won't feel any of my newly faith-based warmth, love or support. All these awesome assets and strengths I have finally developed and can offer....will just mysteriously dry up.


Easier said than done..

Because, yes, I may get less positive feedback.. and yes, I may feel less stroking of the ego. No more attention and flattery.. I may feel alone & flying 100% solo sometimes... But in reality and in the long run, what I need is my own stronger voice to tell me to "buck up the f- up" and "become the person you admire" in the meantime.
Develop some inner strength and backbone..

So when the time comes, I'll be ready to meet the person who faced their fears and did the same.

And I won't have to be cynical any more!
Because we will believe the same things..
and it will be awesome!!