stubborn as a mule.

I am working everyday to be a better person, but I noticed something..

The biggest thing that inhibits me from being that better person, is the very small person inside of me. The person that is easily wounded, quick to get angry and who is very easily defensive, slow to be vulnerable, distrusting, afraid to look silly or flawed....

The biggest thing I can do to prevent myself from getting in the way of myself, is to be a bigger person

Which IS hard. Because life instinctively makes you want to fight or flight.


Luckily, people are awesome. They can be awesome. You don't always have to fight or flight with them. Still, I catch that small person inside of me being cowardly, having little faith, back-biting... generally being very mean and generally doing things that only very small people do.

People's lives are hard enough without me making it harder. If I could kill that little person inside of me, I could be reborn as a better version of myself.

I don't believe that our native self is good. I don't think that our native self wants to even be good for our own selfish good. Our native self isn't good enough. You have to want to be better than you are. Be who you wish you were.. or at least aspire to the ideal.

It doesn't directly benefit you. But if you kill that little version of yourself, it does make your life richer, I think, by virtue of contributing to the world, feeling of worth, and creating strong and steadily happy relationships around you. Killing the smaller version of yourself, takes the focus off of you and helps you finally be aware of how you can help others or let others feel valuable by helping you.

I sigh and pine at such a future. But who I am has always been the most powerful part of who I am! That I don't back down, I'm in it for the long haul; and that I think, analyze, and break down everything. I can't give up now, because if I do I will reject the good that is in me.

So I plod on, as I hope you all are doing.
It will work out in the end.