mornings suck.

why can't I forgive myself?

Its hard to confront yourself anytime of the day,  but getting up in the morning to confront your life is definitely harder.

While I hate forgiving myself, I prefer to torture myself for the mistakes and bad things I do, its not productive to do so, in the least.

It used to be so bad that I couldn't even take critique or an unkind word. As a kid I would go off and cry about it.. the teacher or classmate didn't need to say anything more, I would already punish myself waaaaaaaaaaaaay worse than they ever could.

In a working enviroment, however, I had to learn that just because someone says a harsh word to you, doesn't mean they hate you personally. And I ushered in the new age of Sahale not taking things personally.

But I also neglected that in the years of taking things immensely personally and sensitively I had developed the defense mechanism of being super accommodating so that I would never have to get in conflict with others or hear negative words towards me. I feared, too, that, even though I was loyal as a dog and valued my friends immensely, that they didn't feel likewise and would abandon me at my slightest push back.

I looked up narcissism today in the dictionary..

Narcissistic traits

Thomas suggests that narcissists typically display most, sometimes all, of the following traits:^[19]

• An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges
• Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships
• A lack of psychological awareness (see insight in psychology and psychiatry, egosyntonic)
• Difficulty with empathy
• Problems distinguishing the self from others (see narcissism and boundaries)
• Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults (see criticism and narcissists, narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury)
• Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt
• Haughty body language
• Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them (narcissistic supply)
• Detesting those who do not admire them (narcissistic abuse)
• Using other people without considering the cost of doing so
• Pretending to be more important than they really are
• Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements
• Claiming to be an "expert" at many things
• Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people
• Denial of remorse and gratitude

I know, I know... I don't think I am as bad as a narcissist... but LOW AND BEHOLD.. how many traits that I thought were being good to people and keeping myself out of trouble are actually EGOTISTICAL and NARCISSISTIC tendencies.

It is a fine line between appropriate humble behavior and starting to dip into narcissism. And as you read in the last post, the last thing I want to be is a small person, who does small things.

So, I experiment, which is super scary to me. It means I will have to forgive myself again and again, and hopefully others will to. Because I don't know how to stand up for myself appropriately. Its my blind spot.

Sure I can feel shame that I feel like a smart and capable person, but have this HUGE blind spot.. I can try and hide it away and deny that its there. OR I can deal with it, for the cause of being the bigger person, that I stubbornly to want to be.. and once done, never have to worry or deal with it again.

So, I am going to have to be able to forgive myself more. I can't have this weird jail cell hesitancy to do so. This weird self-punishment thing I do.... that. has. to. go.

I have to believe that kindred spirits and people who care about me, will forgive me too. And... they won't disappear because they discover that I am a human.

Really I am only becoming more human.

The person I want to always appear to be... The image I wanna prop up --------------------->

 

Who I really become on the inside by doing that -------------------->