Okay. haha.
"being neurotic is okay but being weak isn't. You are neurotic, not weak.."
I was thinking about Seattle. I need a role model. Something to shoot for that is awesome.
I'm glad I have a moment this morning to get my thoughts down.
I've been working on this project with Stephen Thomas Cavit, local composer and recording engineer in Seattle and I have finally got to the point where I am believing what we are working on!
It so thrilling to feel like someone is walking towards you and engaged in collaboration and working with interesting ideas.. figuring out problems.. making stuff happen!
Standing in front of that mic, in his recording studio, is so exciting.
But time and time again, I keeping botching it because there is too much on my mind!
I was watching PBS the other night and they were doing a special on Steve Jobs. Did you know that Steve Jobs was way beyond a millionaire at 23?
I'm 23 right now.
The interviewees kept commenting...
"ohhhh, he wasn't the typical teenager... the thoughts he was thinking were sooooo interesting and compelling" .. "ohhhhh he wasn't a typical 20 year old. The things he was doing were so smart and awesome..."
Damn it! I want to be that smart! Not that rich, or as much of an asshole, but really smart.
I feel so stupid a lot of the time. I feel like my shrunken 23 year old brain is incapable of anything good unless I am a weirdo like Steve Jobs.
And I really want to be a weirdo.
"You're neurotic, not weak. Being neurotic is okay but being weak is no good," Stephen Cavit told me in the studio, after botching a bunch of harmony takes. "There is going to be a learning curve with everything you do, but you can handle it."
Oh. my. Lord. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
"I am only neurotic. Not weak. Not weak. I am not a loose trigger, I am reliable.. I am trustable.. I am good... I am smart..."
Still, after the inward pep talk, I totally messed up the harmony part... again. haha
But point well taken. I am young but I am powerful. I can do the things I wanna do with out messing it up with my 23 year old shrunken brain. And all this negative blah about how I could be so much wiser and better, is actually not helping me be better!! .. but ya know, being in a place like this is truly energizing and spurring of real action because of what the reality of life demands not what it theoretically demands.
Apparently I can handle reality, when it is laid in front of me! yes! When I know what's going on, where the walls lie.
Mother of pearl! I know I am a fun person!! I am magnetic in my own way.. I love people, in my own way. And in a setting with open-ness where everything is on the table and we are getting stuff done, unafraid to experiment and bounce ideas around... I feel like an integral cog to this awesome thing.
I think that is the key between me and the world. Between me and and being a fully functionally brained individual.
To start doing now:
1. Stop any trace of self censoring my personality.
2. Stop EVER hesitating on my intuition.
3. Walk TOWARDS people or stand still, rather than backing away. Be who I wanna be with them and stop playing games.
4. Invest in completely enjoying the little things in life, but day to day only. No stress about possibly lacking futures or screwy pasts.
Just help myself to feeling in every moment as empowered as when I step in front of that microphone in Stephen Cavit's studio.
Good. now. great.
Kept thinking.. YES! I can be on my way to making Seattle awesome. Find the legits who I wanna have around and become what I wish Seattle was.
Like this guy, my new role model. This is where its at!
Who the heck is this dude? The guy who gets to sit next to Eddie Vedder. He isn't actually Eddie Vedder, is he even someone of importance? I don't know.. haha He's famous right? More importantly... he does cool stuff?
haha that's who I wanna be. That weird person.
still frame taken from the movie, "Singles".. set in Seattle!
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