Under the Sea

Looking at a Jacques Cousteau book at work today

self trust.

Number one thing I am working on currently is self trust.

It seems so weird that it has taken me this long. But really, anxiety can have a devastating effect on your intuition and can make you question the things you do all the time. You will intuitively know that you should make a particular decision for yourself but the fact you are anxious makes you re-examine and question it over and over and over.

Building self-trust, for me, it going to have to be a long process of suffering and holding my anxiety and then watching the world more carefully to see how much my anxiety in projecting on to it.

Trusting the beauty that is inside of me when I am facing things that scare me is the hardest thing. I tend to discredit the glowing person that I can be when I am happy.

When I am happy, life is good just where it stands and I can accept whatever there is as neither good nor bad. But when I am anxious, I have a hard time doing this for myself and people who don't understand anxiety don't really have compassion for that.

That is why self trust has been hard because I have denied myself self-compassion about where my struggles are. I see myself as the only one who is having a hard time and I don't see that people from all walks struggle with their own form of anxiety and have their own issues that hurt them everyday.

Self trust will put me in a better place. Getting into the present and out of my head will put me in a better place.

When you do things out of anxiety it can be hard not to feel shame. But what I definitely am learning is that you will stay stuck unless you put one foot in front of the other.

There is nothing I can do to change my past and the mistakes I have made or the shame that anxiety has made me feel.

All I can do is make my present vibrant and amazing. That is taking one step forward instead of allowing myself to become stuck.

embracing concepts.

These are the ideas I am trying to embrace to get through my anxiety.

Radical Acceptance.

stop labeling things and experiences as "good" or "bad". They just ARE.

Present Mindfulness.

find joy in this very moment. The past is done. 

Practice Gratitude.

focus your energy on what is amazing in your life versus what you don't have.

Trust the flow.

let the flow create solutions and your path. Stick with fear instead of running. Trust that the universe is good.

in the moment.

“When you are washing the dishes, washing the dishes must be the most important thing in your life. Just as when you are drinking tea, drinking tea must be the most important thing in your life. Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the whole world revolves—slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future. Live the actual moment. Only this actual moment is life.”

—	Thich Nhat Hanh

Combat baby.

The wonderfully natural way I combat my anxiety. Mint/chamomile tea with 4 full droppers of Valerian tincture added. It's AMAZING

way behind.

Listened to my friend, Aaron Roche's album. Its not new anymore. I am way behind.

Still makes me happy :)

Kaizen

I love this idea so much! Consistent, sustainable, concrete goals.

embrace the philosophy of small, continuous improvement

or 

Kaizen

"While Kaizen was originally developed to help businesses improve and thrive, it’s just as applicable to our personal lives, and it’s the antidote to perpetual, puke-inducing rides on the self-improvement roller coaster. Instead of trying to make radical changes in a short amount of time, just make small improvements every day that will gradually lead to the change you want. Each day, just focus on getting 1% better in whatever it is you’re trying to improve. That’s it. Just 1%. "

Read more here: Art of Manliness <<<

the perks of anxiety

I have thought A LOT about the downside to anxiety, but this morning I starting thinking about the good things.

Yes, the good things.

Anxiety does do several things that I am extremely grateful for.

First, it has made me extremely attentive to the world and to others' feelings. I am sensitive, yes, and probably because of my anxiety.. but I also am very sensitive to other people and to the beautiful things in the world. I can recognize and cherish them only because my extreme attentiveness allows me to notice those things. This, in moderation, and in balance with my own life has been an amazing blessing. I am working on that balance everyday.

Second, going along with sensitivity, having the handicap of being anxious has forced me to better myself all the time. I have had to take a hard look at things in my life and take action for myself. Take responsibility for myself. Anxiety didn't force that on me but without it I may not appreciate the progress and steps I have made along the way to be a better person and to feel better. When you know how hard it can be, you can have empathy for others and compassion for yourself.

Life can sometimes be about suffering but if anxiety is one of the worst things going on in my life, I count myself as very lucky. I have never found suffering to be just for its sake. Everything that has happened to me has shaped and molded me and, I think, only made me better.

Though I can agonize about whether or not my anxiety makes me more difficult or question my worth when it is at its peak, today I realized I am an amazing person because of my anxiety.

Embrace your faults, I say. They are mostly what makes you who you are. You can always self-improve and get better along with all the rest in the world but your faults are truly your own. Who you are is defined by how you approach your faults. How you handle them.

I love that thought :)

Recent Adventures .:.

Being human. Quotes

Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
- Miguel Angel Ruiz

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.

- Ephesians‬ ‭4:2‬ ‭NLT‬‬ 

It’s okay to be sad when you mess up, but don’t dwell for too long. The mistake has already been made, and you can’t erase the fact that it happened. You can either learn from it or mope about it. The choice is yours, but remember, we are only human; we were born to make mistakes. Simply put, if you have never made a mistake in your life, then that means that you have never taken a risk. Taking risks means that you go outside of your comfort zone – that you go outside of your boundaries. The most successful people are the ones who are not afraid to give it their all and possibly humiliate themselves greatly in front of others. It’s like that one saying, ‘The person who asks a question is a fool for five minutes, but the person who never asks and remains silent is a fool forever.’ You choose the way you want to live your life.

- Cynthia Amy Tang 

Strength doesn’t come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn’t do.

- Rikki Rogers

I can get my head turned by a good-looking [someone] as much as the next [person]. But sexy doesn’t impress me. Smart impresses me, strength of character impresses me. But most of all, I am impressed by kindness. Kindness, I think, comes from learning hard lessons well, from falling and picking yourself up. It comes from surviving failure and loss. It implies an understanding of the human condition, forgives its many flaws and quirks. When I see that in someone, it fills me with admiration.

- Lisa Unger

"Whatever you resist you become. If you resist anger, you are always angry. If you resist sadness, you are always sad. If you resist suffering, you are always suffering. If you resist confusion,you are always confused. We think that we resist certain states because they are there, but actually they are there because we resist them." 
— Adyashanti

The fact that you’re struggling doesn’t make you a burden. It doesn’t make you unloveable or undesirable or undeserving of care. It doesn’t make you too much or too sensitive or too needy. It makes you human. Everyone struggles. Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart. During these times, we aren’t always easy to be around — and that’s okay. No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time. Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult. And yes, you may sometimes do or say things that make the people around you feel helpless or sad. But those things aren’t all of who you are and they certainly don’t discount your worth as a human being. The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved. You can be difficult and still be cared for. You can be less than perfect, and still be deserving of compassion and kindness.

- Daniell Koepke

the tiny house movement.

This idea is calling my name. I would love to live in a tiny house. Simplicity and economy. Ultimate for my minimalist goals :)

Check more out at:
http://tinyhousesgalore.com/

Focused on myself.

I think I finally am getting the hang of focusing on myself.

Everyone has goals and mine have always been tangible. I could show someone what I had accomplished. This made it feel praise worthy.

But recently my goals have been decidedly inward. More about doing internal work. This is really for myself because it truly is for no one but me. No one will see the impact, there won't be any praise. I am hoping that I will just feel better and be stronger.

Mostly, I am trying to attend to my emotional needs. Stand up and say what I need and have my own back in those situations so that I can be strong. Also communication, communication, communication. I have been communicating as much as I can and as often as I can and I have not regretted it. I will learn how to move through conflict and I will learn how to lower the stakes and realize the more upfront I am at the beginning the more I will get what I need. And also not hurt others in the process.

Anxiety has been plaguing me too and I have upped my medication and promised myself that I will stick to it. I will take my meds everyday because I know that is taking care of myself. I also am considering talking to a psychiatrist to tweak my meds and to see if there is anyway of pinpointing my anxiety disorder and figuring out how to treat it better.

Friendships are becoming so important. I have been trying to skate by on the shallow because its hard to be open and honest with yourself and in that process be authentic and make strong and durable connections with others. But true and deepening friendship are helping me do this and have the courage to do this. They are teaching me that communicating with someone who cares about you will never hurt. That people do not abandon you when you need them. And there are people who look deeper and see value in the things you have cultivated that aren't on the surface.

On the outside, I am losing weight and working on my acne. I know that both of these issues have been there because of the stress I have put on myself to be perfect. The more I let go and not stress eat and get motivated enough to exercise, the more that the weight falls off naturally. I have gone from 167 lbs to 142 lbs and counting. My goal weight is 135 but maybe I can make it to 130. The acne I have been battling for so long is finally starting to fade. I have found a skin care regime that seems to be tough enough to do that job but also gentle enough for my skin. Winning!!

Lastly, I am trying to make my world more... mine. I have started to slow down and be home more. Clean more. Organize more. Pay attention to the little details of my life and not distract myself all day and let the little things that improve my mood fall through the cracks. That means more tea and more reading of books and tending to my little garden and generally hanging out with myself.

I have every faith that things will fall together :) But eureka! I am going to take care of myself well in the meantime!

Gambino is pretty good

At freestylin'



Vince Staples && Tyler


Tyler is hilarious :)

favorite summer song of 2015

Can't get enough :)

impact.

This is might be a weird post.

Sorry, but this might also be a downer... so feel free not to read on.

I follow the news religiously. Mostly because I don't have a lot to do at work but also because I liked to be a educated world citizen and know what is going on.

Google News isn't always the best news but it generally is a good place to start. As, I was perusing the top news stories on google, there was one that weirdly seemed out of place because it was so specific.

I won't get into too much detail. But it was about a woman who was killed in a very painful and traumatic way.

There was a video. Well, a video of the moments before it happened. I watched it.

I was horrified.

Watching that happen in front of my eyes made such an impression.

NO!!!!

This is not real. Somebody please do something. But then like that, its over. Nothing can salvage it.

I kept thinking about it. Thinking and thinking.

Maybe, I shouldn't have watched it. What did I expect? Did I have to be that curious??!

But then it started working on me. It so deeply effected me.

It made me sick to think of how fear has paralyzed me. How I have distanced myself from love for so long out of wanting to be perfect and appear perfect.

All I know is, if I had to endure that much desperate fear and physical pain.. I would NOT want the mental anguish in that moment of having lived a shitty life. A life that is not genuine to me. The mental desperation of never having experienced real love. And mental conflict of never sticking my neck out for it.

That moment haunts me.

Literally, every time I have wanted to chicken out in little ways the last couple days, I've picture that scene and deep within me the emotion it evokes destroys my cowardice.

I want to live boldly.
I don't want to fear death.

the castle.

I rewatched the movie "The Castle" the other night.

It has to be the cutest movie ever made. The characters are so endearing. The father truly is the one of the most genuine characters I have seen on the screen. He makes your heart spill over with love just a little.

It reminded me what a movie can do. How much it can effect your spirits. Movies are great tools to access bits and pieces of bliss. Just as effective as a good meditation session, I think.

I highly recommend The Castle if you have a dry sense of humor and are hankering for some comedy.

It will lift your soul a little bit :)

new tunes I love.

hannah montana is so 2011

This has to be one of the best things I've seen.
I liked this song, but the the strings!! and they attack it with such confidence.. even given the lyrics. hahaha awesome $$

Treat yo-self.

50 to 100 real quick

This last weekend we took some of my mom's ashes up to Rosario Beach to spread them in the water. It felt like it should have been a beautiful moment, but I think I spent the rest of the weekend recovering from the stress.

I was weird to hold her ashes in my hands. It was sort of the most intimate yet scary things you could do for someone.

And of course I miss her. And doing these kinds of things reminds me of that.

I hope it will be healing. In the moment, it seems so hard.

I dreaded come back to work today because usually I use the weekend to recharge and feel ready to tackle everything that is happening there. And to be honest, work is not the most exciting thing going on in my life. I constantly feel like I am looking for an escape. I can't wait to reach the goals I have been working on.

So today have decided to work on liking work. Maybe not loving work, but finding the things about it that I can make challenge me and make interesting to me. I mean, the fact that is not intellectually stimulating and that I am bored a lot the time could be, in fact, a challenge.. if I look at it the right way.

I don't push myself enough. I don't motivate myself enough. I always see life at 100% or 0% and somewhere along the way I need to work on being 100% even when I feel 50%.

That is why I feel miserable going back to work. That is why I spend my weekends hiding from work. Because, recently, I have felt miserable in my personal life and then I have to go to work and feel a miserable 50% there.

But I realized that I don't have to feel that way. My life doesn't have to make me a prisoner. I just need to change my perspective. Make the things that are 50% my 100%. Which is hard. But its for me. Its for my own happiness and attracting further positivity in my life. Because not doing well at work creates a lot a shame for me. I love been going at what I do.. I love having a stimulating work environment.. I love working hard. But in a lot of these jobs I've had I don't feel challenged and I don't feel motivated and then I start doing poorly. And when I do poorly I don't really like myself.

Sure, its not my fault. A job has to fit you too but right now my job is a means to my bigger life goals.

I know its going to be hard for a bit. Life isn't going to be some magical thing where everything is going to fit me 100% all the time. But there can be a net positivity in my life instead of a net negativity. As long as things are net positive, I will be okay.

And that, right now, is mostly up to me.

ce weekend

This weekend we are going up to Rosario beach to sprinkle my mom's ashes in the ocean so that they will bioluminesce with the phosphorescent microorganisms.

It was one of her last requests.

It will be a healing weekend but not one I am really looking forward to.
The idea of it seems really stressful.

I think it is simply because the loss of my mom brings up all the many feelings and fears I have about loss and abandonment.

I don't want to feel this fear but I also think that I must face these feelings head on to work through them. And I need to face this challenge alone.

I so tired of needing some coping mechanism or somebody to be be there for me when I am scared and facing things that create anxiety in me (in lieu of emotions) or emotions (when I am able to express them). I want to do this for me and to know that I am strong enough to face it.


So I am a little scared but I little liberated and excited to go on this adventure.

I'll let you know what happens.

this is an amazing aspiration

Reading C.S. Lewis' "The Four Loves" and found this amazing thought. 

New Readings: Choke

Walle - Festivus

Found this on an old mix from a friend :)

Good listening!


Wale - Festivus

pom pom

 

Wore my pom pom earrings from Paris this morning for the first time

I think they intimidated me haha

5 years

I have learned A LOT the last 5 years I have been out of college and in the real world.

(I can't even believe it has been that long)

I have dated a lot, I have had sex for the very first time, I have tried to love.. but I don’t think I’ve been in love.

I had a horrible job that hurt me and took the life out of me. It was a job that started so great but I put hours and hours into it without “getting better”. I crawled out of that year by breaking up with someone I was certain loved me but who was treating me terribly and quitting a whole career path I was sure I would take.

I spent 3-4 weeks in bed watching Law and Order, crying, because of the pain and anguish caused by these two hurts. I spent nearly a year getting over that pain enough to cope.

I know that sacrificing yourself for a job is not worth it. Ever. Hard work is great but compromising who you are: not good. Work doesn’t care about YOU. I learned that trying to save someone from their own demons does not work in a relationship. Ever. And to give respect, you have to give space and let them fly free and learn and grow in ways you might not understand but are exactly the love they need.

I found out I have an anxiety disorder. I went to therapy for a year and have been on medication. I am taking responsibility for my anxiety and I am not letting it mess with my life.

I had my mom die. She was so sick for so long before it happened. And it happened peacefully. But it was and still is so weird. And there is such a hole in my heart over it. I learned not to put anything off assuming you can have it later.

In all this, I found that I am the only one who truly can care what happens to me. I am the only one who can truly take care of myself. My choices determine what I get out of life and where I am headed. I need to be truly independent and commit to that so that I can embrace the joy that is underlying all the pain that I have felt. 

I want to be around people who are open and authentic and share their real self. Because I am so tired of editing myself. And I really am tired of too much time dedicated to past pain. I want to be around others who are supporting and understanding each other so that they can move thorough it and not remain stuck.

I want a new relationship with God that is not about self sacrifice or about self hatred or a diminishing of the self. I want a relationship with God that is focused on self compassion and love and a giving back of that love to others. I want to feel enlivened by my faith in God and universe instead of downtrodden and falling short. I want to focus on the spirituality I believe in and kind of world I want to be a part of. 

I have learned a ton. 

And I undervalue that. 

I want to hear and understand others’ thoughts and opinions but I can’t discount mine own .. because I have gone through the fire and do have knowledge because of that.

Not because I think I know everything but precisely because I know that I know nothing.

I strive to learn more because I know I can always grow.

some inspirations

sunshine is coming.

the best.

CS to the Lewis

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

"Our job is to love people. When it hurts. When it's awkward. When its uncool and embarrassing. Our job is to stand together, to carry the burdens of one another and to meet each other in our questions."

-Jamie Tworkowksi

"Everybody talks about wanting to change things and help and fix, but ultimately all you can do is fix yourself. And that's a lot. Because if you can fix yourself, it has a ripple effect."

-Rob Riener

Looping

I love having people around who act on their feelings and don't overanalyze themselves.

Mostly because I am preeeetttty bad at that.

So it always gives me joy to hear a comment from a genuinely horny guy or a straight up pissed off girl. Its so purest! And it actually makes me happy and relieved in some ways that its so surface and upfront.

They are who they are. They don't a darn crap what you think about it. They will even probably laugh with you about it when you call them on it.

Today I want to be more like that. Instead of looping my thoughts or having to be perfect or even "good", I want to be right up front, straight honest to everyone and anyone.

Looping my thoughts and wondering how I could be better is a one way trap to misery.

You can ALWAYS do better. So I will do better but be okay with where I am now too.

Thoughtfulness is good when embraced in a healthy way. But it also should contain a does of reality and a dose of finally-just-shut-up-brain-and-act-on-it. :)

 

Don't get stuck in a feedback loop of DOOM!

Emotions.

I have been realizing that emotions are incredibly important. Incredibly.

Forever I have tried to avoid them so that I didn't have to appear weak, or sad, or angry. I didn't want anything to show its affect on me.

But I have found that holding my emotions at bay has also not allowed true joy or happiness or a connection to real love to form.

Joy is not real without the genuine sadness of loss or standing up for what you believe in through anger.

When I was in middle school I was a total grump. I was never happy. There was nothing to be happy about. I felt trapped in a world where nothing I wanted was happening.
This, of course, did not win me friends or any points towards deeper relationships.
My attitude improved over time and I was able to find the good in everything around me. Even if it was just one small thing that was interesting and amazing to me, I would find it.

 

But looking back, I know that I was grumpy because of my lack of acceptance for my negative emotions which manifested into something worse. I didn't want to feel the discomfort and likewise I didn't really want to feel any joy. I was so discontent with having to constantly push my bad emotions to the side that there was no reason to feel happy. I just wanted to be pissed that things weren't going my way.

My inability to see my emotions for what they were and give myself the space to feel them capped my ability to connect with anything. I see that now.
 
It is true, however, that when you allow your emotions space, you also have to connect with uncomfortable feelings.

That is just life. There is a constant ebb and flow and nothing is going to be one hundred percent positive all the time or it is not anchored in reality.

This is where I get scared.

I fear that I cannot hold the discomfort and the bad emotions. Or if I can that I will have to deal with them all alone. (PS. when I felt this way, I got a therapist. Then you don't have to be alone while you work through this stuff. :) Its a gift I gave myself)

I can't let them coexist and work through them. I just felt I had to jump to the next high of emotional joy. I had to be the bigger person and ignore the bad to be the champion of the good!!

Happiness, in this context, is such a dangerous word because it implies that you have to be positive and joyful all the time. Even when it is not genuinely how you are feeling.

For me happiness is morphing into acceptance. Loving yourself is accepting these feelings too.

I have found that this previous denial doesn't work long term. The discomfort is not your enemy. It is trying to tell you something. It also something that you will always have cope with if you want to be functional and have the things you want in life.


Sometimes you have to dwell with the discomfort. Become its friend. Accept it for what it is and not be scared of how long it will be with you. Invite it to stay as long as it has too so that you can really process and move forward.

Because emotions are what make life beautiful and allow you to connect to the goodness too. They help you appreciate the goodness when it comes because you have also lived and accepted the feelings that aren't so great.

Emotions also allow you to connect with what your needs are. When something makes you sad or anxious or angry, those emotions are just as important to embrace so that you can find what makes you happy too.

It helps you connect to something and know when its real love you are connected to.

The empathy you feel and the care you show other's feelings is a manifestation of acknowledging and taking care of your own emotions.

When I was simply grumpy, it kept everyone around me at a distance. Without an emotional connection there was no intimacy. Without being vulnerable no one could really empathize or care too much about me. :(

I am obviously just coming to this realization in the full sense of what it means. I am seeing how much more I have to learn about love and my own happiness.

Embracing my emotions is my commitment. I have spent too much time in the dark of fear. I am ready to try for reals!!