thoughts on being a nine pound hammer

Ray LaMontage says that "a man needs something he can hold on to, a nine pound hammer or a woman like you."

I've been trying to decide why I long for one on one companionship so much.
I think I was set up for it from birth.
Since I left home for boarding school I have had an overwhelming desire to find what I lost and to have a companion in life.

The girls in my school almost made me feel ashamed for that longing. They were so strong and so interested in life's other endeavors, where as I was desperate and rabid to find a love and find a connection RIGHT NOW. It was hard.

Now I realize that it was hard because in high school its just about games anyways. What I wanted was a new home. Someone to share everything with. Someone who was the only one who mattered to me and to be the only one that someone else cared about. Exaggeratory of course. I want my own pursuits, desires, and quiet space in my life but nothing I accomplished resonated much with out a support system, a home to share it with.

Our family was very tight knit. We didn't socialize with other families much and enjoy each other's company most of all. And being dumped from a safe and happy home into the a high school in which everyone was way too immature and filled with hormones to care, was hard. Especially when 9 out of 10 people you might meet, won't really connect with you at all. I felt desperate to get my grounding back again.

Now I feel that longing in my bones, deep in my bones, but patience brings the sweetest things. I have learned so much by not taking part in the dog eat dog dating world.

What I want is a best friend and a lover. Who I can take anywhere with me and find home. I am overflowing with love and want to give it to someone so badly. I want someone who can love me in return. Yes, my dreams and goals are bigger than one person, but the only currency that really counts to me is love. If you learn nothing else, loving someone and feeling returned in that love is the greatest untouchable, timeless achievement.

SO.. I am working on being "a nine pound hammer".. something that is consistent and something that you can always count on and hold on to. Someone who you can have fun with, be completely yourself with and not be require to change. I want to enrich someone's life. I want to always be learning, always exploring. Listening to the latest music, pondering the newest art, reading about scientific discoveries, finding new old literature that I have never read before. Have epiphanies and philosophical wonderments. Never take God for granted and always be learning more about myself. Taste every beer, have wine with fondue cheese!! Walk the Champs-Elyees! See the Tour de France in person. Run around the streets of Montreal. Lose myself in the Yukon Territory.. Shake hands with my Finn relatives and see real reindeer.. Climb Kilimanjaro, or maybe just Half Dome.

<<||Make images that capture the essence and moments of life>> Film events that transcend normal human experience. Tell stories through characters and images that you could never see or know in a lifetime. ||>>

Dance to a rock band in an Irish Pub. See the Indian Ocean. See the ancient and untouched forests of Serbia! See a show at the MOMA. Swim the English channel?? Maybe not that one.

music woman

// tune-yards // 'mazing

Bird-Brains - Tune-Yards

what if?

plainspeak

plainspeak from Sahale Jensen on Vimeo.

web presence

a friend created this

this looks like an amazing amazing film

Littlerock Trailer 1 from Small Form Films on Vimeo.

things

Something I will never forget is the feeling that comes with being just two.

Chattanooga is not a very big city, you can see people that you know just walkin around, going to events Its like an enormous college campus; subject: life 101.

But Chattanooga has never been better than when it all melted away. When I was not just one of thousands but one of only two. As if you are the only two, because that is the only one that matters. It wasn't being on the mountain, it wasn't watching the sunrise on the Northshore. It was eating eggs with pepper and salt. It was running to buy cigarettes.

Though it may have been only potential, in that very moment it didn't matter where you stood in the "scene", the achievements that you might have made, the future and what it would bring. It was just being humans and sharing the same square foot of space.. You SEE the person. They could be the lamest and stupidest person to everyone else in Chattanooga or the most awesome famous city celebrity -- or something in between, but it wouldn't matter, because to you they are a person. To you they are an individual. And what really matters is their personality. They way they laugh, the things we talk about, the journey they are on, their believes, what they stand for.. doesn't matter what they do with that in the future, because at least that one moment and the way they were in it can be yours forever.

I wanted to be your best friend.
I wanted you to think of me as a home.

why the spiritual matters

your spirit.
this is what spirituality means.

when your spirit is broken, you are broken.
you need to protect your spirit, the very thing that feeds your soul, makes you alive.

PEACE = make peace with yourself. with others.

find a peaceful place to be that makes you happy.

LOVE = love is hard hard hard. love is more than romance, more than momentary care. love is constant, love is patience and kindness, gentleness. love is solid. we all deserve love. love is hard but real love makes your spirit whole.

WONDER= being able to sit in a moment and wonder at life. you have to be able to find wonder wherever you are in life. I have found that my whole life I have been waiting to have and be who I want. but there is always something more. if you can find the wonder in the simple of the everyday, in the smallest of things your life will always be rich and satisfying. your spirit will be at rest.

with a full and solid spirit you can have a restless soul.

a soul that longs to always learn

a soul that's heart wants to explore

a soul that longs for more than the mundane liberalism of culture ((notice more! more meaning. culture + the spiritual = more meaning to all of it))

a soul that's mind is truly and fully open

start the everyday wonder here -->

wow.
question: should people be more closed mouthed about their beliefs?

telling people strait out your opinion on controversial subjects is hard because they will either love you for it or hate you. I want to be loved for who I am but not judged for it.. and certainly not thought about as a judgmental person because I say what I believe..

Is that just another form of caring what other people think about you?

If you really don't care what people's unfounded and bias opinions of you are, wouldn't you not care whether or not they know your beliefs?

Is there is a difference between standing for something and being annoying about those beliefs?
Beliefs are personal.. maybe they should stay that way. For me, I get so passionate about what I believe its hard not to get excited. I see the amazing wonder and value in what I've discovered and want so badly to share it!!

Here's what I think the key is:
Respect
Respect
Respect

When you care about something you show equal respect to your beliefs and to others.
I want to strive to be more aware of the respect I show others.
Life is so rich and people so different and experiences so varied, that everyone's journey demands a great big dose of respect..

my reason for most things

"It is natural for us to wish that God had designed for us a less glorious and less arduous destiny; but then we are wishing not for more love but for less." - C.S. Lewis

/// my hero -->

cut & dye

quote from "The Travel Book"

My friend Areli gave me a book that contains photos and cultural information for every country in the world. Throughout the book little sticky notes were left with some of her most favorite quotes. Being a literature major she very well versed in the written thought. Here is the quote under Spain.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
--Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone

--Art is never chaste. It ought to be forbidden to ignorant innocents, never allowed into contact with those not sufficently prepared. Yes, art is dangerous. Where it is chaste, it is not art.

-PICASSO

--Have no fear of perfection, you'll never reach it..

--Those who do not want to imitate anything, produce nothing.

--You know the worst thing is freedom. Freedom of any kind is the worst for creativity.

-SALVADOR DALI

thought .:.

"When pastor's don't practice or work in their own lives on what they preach, they become like dull saws. A dull saw that has not been sharpened can only work when I bears down harder and harder on its subject."
-Gordon Bietz, SAU's president

another awesome fashion escapade

beautiful.:.

not the video haha
the SONG

wow.

The Third & The Seventh from Alex Roman on Vimeo.

Compositing Breakdown (T&S) from Alex Roman on Vimeo.

J'aime Dan Black

This Elegant Universe

Einstein's biggest contribution to the field of physics was his 1915 Theory of General Relativity, that said: gravity is the bending of the geometric fabric of spacetime. He theorized that orbits of planets and even an apple falling to the ground is an attraction to that bend in space and time caused by the force of large object's gravity.

With this theory, he predicted that even light could be bent by a gravitational pull. He said that the gravity of the sun was enough to make stars appear to be in a different place because its effect and bend on the light they emit.

The only way to test this, however, was during a solar eclipse, because the sun's brightness itself would completely obscure the affected stars' light. On May 29, 1919, Arthur Eddington traveled to the island of Principe to catch a solar eclipse and to prove Einstein's theory right or wrong.

"When the success of Eddington's 1919 expedition to measure Einstein's prediction of the bending of starlight by the sun had been established, the Dutch physicist Hendrik Lorentz sent Einstein a telegram informing him of the good news. As word of the telegram's confirmation of general relativity spread, a student asked Einstein about what he would have thought if Eddington's experiment had not found the predicted bending of starlight. Einstein replied, "Then I would have been sorry for the dear Lord, for the theory is correct." Of course, had experiments truly failed to confirm Einstein's predictions, the theory would not be correct and general relativity would not have become a pillar of modern physics.
But what Einstein meant is that general relativity describes gravity with such a deep inner elegance, with such simple yet powerful ideas, that he found it hard to imagine that nature could pass it by. General relativity, in Einstien's view, was almost too beautiful to be wrong." (Greene, pg. 166)

Reason and science are always pitted to be the most static, solid, and factual basis of life. But here, described by a Ph.D in the field of Physics, Dr. Brian Greene, in his book "The Elegant Universe", the scientific realm is honestly being described as an unknown and artistically interpreted place. Where theories are concocted on the basis of their elegance and beauty and are satisfying to scientists because of their symmetry versus simply being a means of describing the world.

--"..we are generally not interested in a theory if it has no capacity to resemble anything we encounter in the world around us. But it is certainly the case that some decisions made by theoretical physicists are founded upon an aesthetic sense -- a sense of which theories have an elegance and beauty of structure and par with the world we experience. " (Greene, pg. 167)

This is what science is to do, right? But while describing the world around us, scientists trend toward the more elegant and beautiful descriptions. What grounding do they have to discriminate a theory on the basis of it being more or less elegant? None, really. That is not based on hard, cold lab evidence.
This is what God is for me. He describes the world around me and He fits with the world I experience, and while many other theories and ideas also fit.. God is the only one that gives an elegance to the description, that allows for a license of wonder.

"Imagine a universe in which the laws of physics are as ephemeral as the tastes of fashion -- changing from year to year, from week to week, or even from moment to moment. In such a world, assuming the changes do not disrupt basic life processes, you would never experience a dull moment, to say the least. The simplest acts would be an adventure, since random variations would prevent you or anyone else from using past experience to predict anything about future outcomes..

Such a universe is a physicist's nightmare.

"Physicists -- and most everyone else as well -- rely crucially upon the stability of the universe: The laws that are true today were true yesterday and will still be true tomorrow (even if we have not been clever enough to have figured them all out)."
(Greene, pg. 168)

We could see the unchanging laws of the universe as horrid and constraining. If there was no gravity I wouldn't be stuck here on this planet! But physicists see the symmetry, design, and unchanging consistency of the universe as the most profound and beautiful thing about it. It brings a balance, a elegant stability that physicists need. They stand in awe of it. What is true today was true yesterday and will still be true tomorrow. That is the elegance of God reflected in the universe, he is unchanging and His truth will be the same today, yesterday, and tomorrow.

After all, what meaning can we give to the term "law" if it can abruptly change? This does not mean that the universe is static; the universe certainly changes in innumerable ways from each moment to the next. Rather, it means that the laws governing such evolution are fixed and unchanging. You might ask whether we really know this to be true. In fact, we don't. But our success in describing numerous features of the universe, from brief moment after the big bang right through the present, assures us that if the laws are changing they must be doing so very slowly. The simplest assumption that is consistent with all that we know is that the laws are fixed." (Greene, pg 168)

Scientists can't say 100% for sure that the laws that describe what they see in the universe are factual. They can only see the effects of the laws they describe as consistent, consistent enough to have faith in their unchanging presence. Likewise, I can't prove that God is there for sure, but I see His effect everywhere, and like general relativity and gravity, I can't prove that God is the only way of explaining what I see in the world, but it is by far the most elegant way and beautiful way. He is the symmetry I see in the world.

"Physicists describe these these two properties of physical laws -- that they do not depend on when or where you use them -- as symmetries of nature. By this usage physicists mean that nature treats every moment in time and every location in space identically -- symmetrically -- by ensuring that the same fundamental laws are in operation. Much in the same manner that they affect art and music, such symmetries are deeply satisfying; they highlight an order and a coherence in the workings of nature. The elegance of rich, complex, and diverse phenomena emerging from a simple set of universal laws is at least part of what physicists mean when they invoke the term "beautiful". (Greene, pg. 169)

outfit//of note.

Rock out // some more tunes to quench your musical taste buds

Isaiah 41:10
10 Don’t you be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. Yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness.

Sahale's Heart on a Platter

God has been RIPPING my heart out lately. I'm not lost but I'm adrift. Last night I had a really long conversation with Jon-Michael about our view points on faith. He thinks the key to life is to be maturely selfish. Because if you treat others like you would like to be treated, then you will create a good life and karma will pay you back. It seems so empty to me.. but how can I justify that my attempts at a kind heart are attributable to a loving God? Jon-Michael wants nothing to do with the God of Christianity because he associates Him with guilt.. and I cling to God because He has given me real and true HOPE. I can't live this way, an island where I feel like I am a complete sore thumb. I've never felt so tested. I can't HEAR GOD ANYMORE!!! I need a person, I need flesh and blood, I need someone to help me in the world, someone who can speak to me and let me know how good God is again. I came home deflated and cold. I tried to take a shower but I couldn't stop thinking about it, my mind twisted, my heart aching. I started crying right there and then! in the shower! It came from the bottom of my soul, from my deepest longing not to be alone.. and all my fears that, that was exact what I was: completely alone.

Why can't I enjoy a bliss of the unknown? Why can't I be satisfied in my human ignorance? Why can't I just accept God and know that I have tested that His way is good? Why do I need more? I want to just be happy with my alternative music and my art films and my literature... but the those pleasures are becoming empty holes! because I know its all going to BURN. I want something of ultimate meaning in my life. I want to be a part of something bigger.. I want a sustainable happiness that is not dependent on the world, but I can't do it all on my own. I NEED GOD TO SPEAK TO ME!! I need something, anything that will be enough to show me He really was working in my life and still will.

I feel like such a hypocrite. God shouldn't be so hard for someone who has testified to His goodness in her life. HE IS WHAT I WANT, but why is the wonder starting falter? I read the Bible and it is so full of everything I want, so shouldn't I feel solid in it? I don't want to be a person with no foundation.. I believe I have a foundation.. but its hard to adamantly see a God that, like an imaginary friend, no one around you seems to want to touch. I NEED to see God in someone, someone who sees the same God I do, because I LONG FOR THE SPIRIT OF GOD, not the letter of legalism, nor the diminishing of God in humanism or skepticism, but I LONG for that wise soul, that bigger thing that can't completely belong to reason but isn't lost in daydreams or idealistic wonder. 

I'm sharing this with you because, it is so human. I am so human. I want to be loved by someone. I want to experience life and find value and truth. Everyone is searching. If you find something of true, consistent value hold on to it. I have my claws in God because I feel in my heart that there is something there, something that I will never be able to find anywhere else.

You are most definitely not alone. 

underrated

Score!! 92 cents at McKays

Come on guys.. you all know the soundtrack to this movie is GENIUS!! you just forgot what the soundtrack to this movie sounds like.

we will never stop

From Magnet Magazine -- LOVE sahale

With “Easy To Love” from their debut EP, The Verse, The Chorus (due October 10 on Cheap Lullaby), Ivan & Alyosha announce themselves as musicians rooted in the reality of romanticism. The duo named after Dostoyevsky characters—vocalist Tim Wilson and multi-instrumentalist Ryan Carbary—creates honest and artful songs that pair strumming and drumming with an occasional sweet whistle to make your heart leap.

“Easy To Love” (download):

HOME // by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros with Sahale's great approval

This song got me thinking..
I've been thinking a lot about finding a place to do film and create films.
but I want to find a home in a person so that I never have to leave home!! isn't that a happy idea? : )
///////

///////
Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros - Home

Alabama, Arkansas, I do love my Ma & Pa
Not the way that I do love you

Holy roly, me, oh my, you’re the apple of my eye
Girl, I’ve never loved one like you

Man, oh man, you’re my best friend, I scream it to the nothingness
There ain’t nothin’ that I need

Well, hot & heavy, pumpkin pie, chocolate candy, Jesus Christ
There ain’t nothin’ please me more than you

Chorus:
Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is wherever I’m with you
(2x)
La la la la, take me Home
Baby, I’m coming Home

I’ll follow you into the park, through the jungle, through the dark
Girl, I’ve never loved one like you

Moats & boats & waterfalls, alley ways & pay phone calls
I’ve been everywhere with you

That’s true

We laugh until we think we’ll die, barefoot on a summer night
Nothin’ new is sweeter than with you

And in the sticks we’re running free like it’s only you and me
Geez, you’re something to see.

Chorus

“Jade?”
“Alexander?”
“Do you remember that day you fell out of my window?”
“I sure do, you came jumping out after me.”
“Well, you fell on the concrete and nearly broke your ass and you were bleeding all over the place and I rushed you off to the hospital. Do you remember that?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Well, there’s something I never told you about that night.”
“What didn’t you tell me?”
“While you were sitting in the backseat smoking a cigarette you thought was going to be your last, I was falling deep, deeply in love with you and I never told you ‘til just now.”
“Now I know.”

Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is whenever I’m with you
Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is when I’m alone with you

Home
Let me come Home
Home is wherever I’m with you

Ahh, Home
Yes, I am Home
Home is when I’m alone with you.

Alabama, Arkansas, I do love my Ma & Pa
Moats & boats & waterfalls & pay phone calls

Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is wherever I’m with you
Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is when I’m alone with you

I felt supremely humbled the other day.

I always have felt like a pretty grounded and solid person, but really I fail everyday to see life through compassion and love. Yeah, everyone makes decisions for themselves but everyone's journey is so crazy!! Know what but yourself and those closest to you. No one else can guess what you are motivated from and the where you come from. Also seeing the disasters in the news day it pulled me out of my everyday slump. Be joyful for what you have, share and love others..

I know I am rambling, but the big thought that really struck me is that I have unwittingly probably hurt other people. I want to make that right, but they probably swallowed their hurt and never let me know. It hard not to look through your tinted glasses. You assume everyone sees and is effected by things exactly the same way you are. We are all colored by our life experiences and perceive things differently.. maybe that is why we have to try to see life through something bigger... bigger than our little view point. Maybe that is God for some, or Buddha, or Shiva, or the Great Spirit. thoughts thoughts thoughts 

Today, : )

///////
Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros - Home

Ecclesiastes 7:1-24

pondering at wisdom //
how encouraging this is : )

Wisdom

1 A good name is better than fine perfume,
and the day of death better than the day of birth.
YES!

2 It is better to go to a house of mourning
than to go to a house of feasting,
for death is the destiny of every man;
the living should take this to heart.
The bad times are much more valuable! You learn so much more my suffering and facing things! And I have surely done that before.. guh
3 Sorrow is better than laughter,
because a sad face is good for the heart.
Suffering for the sake of good things is better than pure pleasure.. it means something, it reveals things
4 The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,
but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.
You cannont gain wisdom without pain and hard work and maybe suffering..
5 It is better to heed a wise man's rebuke
than to listen to the song of fools.
Listening to words that are hard to hear is better than assuming the foolish words that you want to hear are correct, when you know they are from a fool or are shallow
6 Like the crackling of thorns under the pot,
so is the laughter of fools.
This too is meaningless.

7 Extortion turns a wise man into a fool,
and a bribe corrupts the heart.

8 The end of a matter is better than its beginning,
and patience is better than pride.

9 Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit,
for anger resides in the lap of fools.

10 Do not say, "Why were the old days better than these?"
For it is not wise to ask such questions.
ahhhh i know! we always think the grass is greener. I am satisfied to face harder challenges because I know they will make me stronger and stronger.. yet it is so easy to wish life were simpler.. like when I had no responsibility and when nothing really mattered.

11 Wisdom, like an inheritance, is a good thing
and benefits those who see the sun.

12 Wisdom is a shelter
as money is a shelter,
but the advantage of knowledge is this:
that wisdom preserves the life of its possessor.
It is like giving a man a fish and teaching him how to fish. Wisdom replenishes your soul. preparation with the creation of wisdom makes you able to tackle anything, to be able to sustain the good you have in your life! it makes for a deeper life with possibility of deeper experiences, lasting, solid experiences. bread and butta!!
13 Consider what God has done:
Who can straighten
what he has made crooked?
we cannot change how things are, how they work, the truth
14 When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one
as well as the other.
Therefore, a man cannot discover
anything about his future.

15 In this meaningless life of mine I have seen both of these:
a righteous man perishing in his righteousness,
and a wicked man living long in his wickedness.
this is so true. this the age old "why do bad things happen to good people" it is the nature of a sinful world
16 Do not be overrighteous,
neither be overwise—
why destroy yourself?
YYYYYEEEEESSSS! this is the answer to legalism! why should you judge others and try to legalistically make yourself more "righteous"!!? bad will happen to the good and the bad. we all will die. what we create that is earthly has no meaning. what meaning can legalism have then? why not practice love and compassion instead? that actually will change the world!!
17 Do not be overwicked,
and do not be a fool—
why die before your time?
on the flip side! if nothing that is earthly has meaning than doing evil and being a fool is worse! for you destroy yourself with no purpose. and hurt others.
18 It is good to grasp the one
and not let go of the other.
The man who fears God will avoid all extremes . [a]
THANK YOU. a man who truly fears God will avoid ALL extremes. he will be balanced in God and in the world because it is our home. we need to be balanced beings to find wisdom.
19 Wisdom makes one wise man more powerful
than ten rulers in a city.

20 There is not a righteous man on earth
who does what is right and never sins.
that is humbling and true and comforting when other seem to look down at you..
21 Do not pay attention to every word people say,
or you may hear your servant cursing you-
don't take other's words personally // because you yourself say things you probably didn't really mean. take accountability for what you say
22 for you know in your heart
that many times you yourself have cursed others.

23 All this I tested by wisdom and I said,
"I am determined to be wise"—
but this was beyond me.

24 Whatever wisdom may be,
it is far off and most profound—
who can discover it?

We cannot create wisdom. because to us, everything is relative. we want to be thought as being good, but we are selfish, so we unwittingly sin, fall short. that is why God sends us His wisdom, to test and know it is unchanging and true. God has seen the wages of sin and the scars they can leave. He only warns us so we don't have to learn the hard way.

Ahhh.. this makes me feel better for all the things I have waded through and dealt with. wisdom is worth the battle. Solomon, thanks for letting me know it is hard for everyone.

Selfishness vs. Selflessness

I know that I raved about Ayn Rand in my recent history, and then I have heard so much negative critique to her principle that I have to write for my own mind my thoughts about selfishness and selflessness.

As a Christian I have been taught to turn the other cheek, to act in selfless love. What struck me about Ayn Rand's philosophy on selfishness is that it is to keep people from needlessly sacrificing others and needlessly sacrificing themselves you must act on some selfishness. My final revelation on selfishness comes down to arriving at a place of loving yourself and self peace. I think once you have reached this point you will never sacrifice yourself and don't need to think about yourself anymore. I have found the extreme value of seeing yourself through your own eyes. Knowing that you are valuable and a champion because you know you are a person of value and integrity. This way you will never use other people to feel that way or to make yourself happy.

This is how compassion can grow. The characters in Ayn Rand's book, while sticking to their bottom line, are not compelling people to me. They are soulless, bound by objectivity. People like Sunitha Krishnan, who is fighting to stop the child sex trade in India, are so much more compelling. She is passionate about something, and not just for appearances, she has a heart and soul of compassion, and a deep sense of who she is and the respect her and her cause deserve. In this way, she naturally draws people to her. She is lit from within. She leaves me and many, many others with a deep sense of wonder.

Yeah, Ayn Rand's characters are great people on some levels, but because they are unwilling to sacrifice ANYTHING for anyone else, they are hard and dead. Humanity, life, love are all unable to be completely objective, and that is what actually makes it even more beautiful. Take advantage of that ability to love, to believe that hope is possible, that dreams are possible. Be like Sunitha Krishnan, a vessel of truth and love that doesn't just cause change and achieve great things but compels it. What could be more valuable, more fulfilling, and more lasting.

my brother recorded and covered this : )

click here

today.

Today was a solid day. In World Religions we started to dive into Hinduism. Its really interesting. I want to know more about it but the teacher always seems to cut his information short either joking about how crazy the religion is or withholding information so that he "doesn't lead us astray". Well, I intend to answer all my own questions with self study. I think that the most interesting thing about Hinduism, besides it being the oldest religion recorded, is that it believes that all religions are the same religion in different forms. I find that I agree with them. There are a lot of things about Hinduism that are uncannily close to what we believe. I talked to my mom the other night about how I was having a hard time reconciling God being the way to a better life when "Christians" can hurt and "the Godless" can be the kindest people I know. My mom told me that anyone who has great compassion and are able to be completely selfless, those people are following God and His character whether they subscribe to Him or not. They may not take God's name, but at least they don't take God's name in vain. I can believe that, I can listen to that.

I changed a tire today! My tire went flat and of course it brought up all these stressful stressful thoughts about having to fix an unknown evil.. but I put the spare on myself!! I felt so accomplished. I got grease on my fingers! and on my jeans and I felt like a handy woman, or something..

Went on a long run in the sunshine, it was really gorgeous. The light was long this evening and it reminds me of everyday in the northwestern winter. It made all the dead trees a light up with a golden tint.

beautiful.

Who I want to be!

So I have made some decisions lately.
To have the life I want in the future, to meet the people I want in my future..
I have to live that way now //
I will search and search and search for what I want and never find
it because I'll be looking the wrong places.
cheers to new beginnings.
what will my life look like?

I sent this letter to Tim when we were deciding
what we wanted..

"I am looking for a home. Ever since leaving home, I have been searching for a person and a place that I can find again what I lost. I want to be able to feel comfortable, I want to lie on the couch and listen to the blues on a lazy Saturday. I want to read a book at the library and ring up huge fines when I forget to return it! I want to drive out into the country and listen to bluegrass or walk over ground where soldiers gave their blood. I want to sit in a church that is still and silent and gaze out of the windows. I want to play tug of war with a dog in my backyard. I want to fly to distant lands and see things I've never seen before. I don’t want to get wrapped in a cycle of going out every night, hanging out at night clubs and bars or going to big drunken parties."

I want this!! I need to be patient, I need to seek it where it is, I need to work for it..

The brick walls are there for a reason.
The brick walls are not there to keep us out.
The brick walls are there to give us a chance
to show how badly we want something.. because
the brick walls are there to stop the people
who don't want it badly enough. They are there
to stop the other people.

-Randy Pausch

Don't Bail; the best gold is at the bottom of barrels of crap.

-Randy Pausch

++ knowing human nature ++

These next couple of months are going to be super sobering. Not sad, not depressing, just sobering. I feel a little wiser by the world. I now know that it doesn't matter how good you try to be to others, they still will hurt you. You will be hurt. But that's life I guess, and its not really how other people conduct themselves that matter. All you can be responsible for is yourself and how you view yourself and love yourself and are good to yourself in the face of stuff like this.

This whole revelation has made me start talking more about life in terms of being able recognizing true value and happiness in the world and getting closer to what it means to be human, versus talking about it in the context of God. This scares me somewhat. It seems that, while true Christians do possess something unique, I also find that same unique love and selflessness in those that want to be good and know what it means to truly be human and truly create happiness. Some of the cruelest people have claimed Christianity as well as some of the kindest. So what does it really mean? I feel somewhat a drift right now. I want to cling to God because he has meant so much to me but.. it all twisted around now. The people that hurt... still hurt but they hurt in any context, Christian or not.. The principles that I find instilled in worldly but good and happy people are the same principles I find in the wisdom of Christianity. It makes Christianity valid, but also makes it seem less the bottom line for being a better person. I know that I couldn't have made it here without God, but it can't be just God alone, you MUST do something earthly to make a difference. If there is a problem and you know it, you can't scream at God to fix it and then sit there and make the same choices over and over and over. You have to be active for God to help you. Go to counseling. Get help. Pay your bills. Get a job. Its like hoping to win the lottery and screaming at God for not blessing you, but never going out and buying a ticket. There is NO WAY to win the lottery if you never get the ticket in the first place. God can't do everything for you if you won't even do anything for yourself.

So maybe I have to see God as not only offering the possibility of a better life but as something even more, so that in the face of these wrong doers, I can still find the value in what I believe.

+Closer+

"This is my day in the sun and I’ve got my arms in the air, my head tipped back like the hinged lid of a lighter.
Contrary to popular belief, I am not alone. Everyone’s listening.
All I see is the bulging gas above me and I’m shooting my mind at it.
I’m as close to God as I’ll ever be.
The people are tiny. They’re buckshot around my ankles.
I could kneel and run my fingers through them."

-Lucy Corin, from The Entire Predicament.



gorgeous imagery from cinematographer//director Ron Fricke
fav section after 6:29.. haunting
see full, uncutoff version // here.

Nirvana (Sanskrit: निर्वाण; Pali: निब्बान)

is the state of being free from suffering in sramanic thought. In Pāli, "Nibbāna" means "blowing out" — that is, blowing out the fires of greed, hatred, and delusion.

hehe >> plans are afoot

The More You Try

Man, haha, I'm trying to make my writing interesting and storytelling-ish but its been a while since my childhood obsessive writing days.. I read some of my posts and they sound super retarded. Oh, well, that's the point of this exercise. to keep writing and to keep getting better and better at it.
On the brink of a new week, I'm really, really terrified. This semester is scaring me. I don't want to be so busy that I end up just living life going through the motions.. but I figure that its really up to me to make it what I want..
let me at it! lets rock this semester

[[a tid bit for ya]]

Thom Yorke – The Eraser (XXXChange Remix)

Making Coffee with le press

ENJOY! .:.

.:. Maya Deren .:.

Yesterday I went over to Missy's house. Missy is a friend that I've only recently really gotten to know. She is easy to carry a conversation with and very polite in manner. She used to date my good friend Ben Norskov and then something happened. There is always a point in a relationship where you either break up or get married and I guess their relationship didn't weather it. Missy likes darker more distinguished colors and always has had a fashion flare. Over a cup of warm Matte at Yellow Deli she revealed to me her secret dream of working in fashion and fashion designing. Of course, with my love of impossible dreams and the attempting of them, I encouraged her to team up with local fashion gurus and start collaborating and do what she wants. Currently she works at Bananna Republic, which, while fashion related is more sale oriented. Although, she does get a great discount, if anyone wants the hook ups. She lives diagonally from my old house on Sandy Trl. Her house is pretty much the mirror image of our old house's layout, opening onto a living room, kitchen spread and then continuing down a short hallway to two bedrooms and a bathroom. She lives with he bubbly sister Kelly, who is always laughing.

It was a big get together to feast on curry and catch up with everyone's lives. A good portion of all my old friends, that I hardly get to see any more where all crowded around laughing, talking. 

This was a great contrast to when I went home. Our home was quiet and empty, save my housemate, Jodi. When I got there my excitement threw me around the house. Putting some tater tots in the oven and popping my netflix, Short Experimental Films by Maya Deren, in the DVD player. Jodi tried her best but soon went to bed. I sat on the couch transfixed by the images. I suddenly realize that, again, I was all alone. No one wanted to watch Maya Deren with me, but for some reason that thrilled me and filled my soul instead of leaving me empty. I sat like a stone satisfied in this glorious moment, when I was doing what made me happy and I was exploring something new. Most of the films were silent. The images danced across the screen but the air became thick and tense. 

Maya Deren, is great with images, but some of her ideas confuse me. The plot lines of her films seem to be leading you somewhere but then end unsatisfactorily, in a way that you can't quite grasp. The imagery is really good though. The use of the camera to fool your eye, to clue you into her reality, is fascinating. She also plays heavily on juxtaposition, and making her thought evident by how she composes two images next to each other. One wonders how the other players in her films felt. This material was not common place in the middle 1940's and her actors probably had to trust a lot in her vision and the meaning she found behind them. Inspiration and ideas for my filmmaking endeavors. 

KICK it with EE CUMMINGS

in time of daffodils(who know
the goal of living is to grow)
forgetting why,remember how

in time of lilacs who proclaim
the aim of waking is to dream,
remember so(forgetting seem)

in time of roses(who amaze
our now and here with paradise)
forgetting if,remember yes

in time of all sweet things beyond
whatever mind may comprehend,
remember seek(forgetting find)

and in a mystery to be
(when time from time shall set us free)
forgetting me,remember me

-ee cummings

Sabbath Day Thoughts

I realized today that I need changing as much as any person. I need to desire better and better things. Before I truly met God through my friends Katie and Christa, sophomore year, I didn't care much about God. Theoretically I wanted to pursue a relationship with God, but I didn't give him much of a second thought. I wanted a genuine relationship but constantly was in the thought mode that God didn't really effect my life much and he was kind of a fairy tale. I realize now that when God comes into your core that your whole perspective shifts. You desire different things... you want different things. You can't force yourself to love something and be good just for the sake of it. You have to be changed from the inside out.

In high school I was so focused on my outsides. I thought that if I look correct people would make assumptions about by insides and give me a chance to be cool. Finally, through college, I have been working on the insides and now have come to the epiphany that I REALLY need to dig deep inside of myself and figure EVERYTHING out.

Why is love and kindness always associated with weakness. Love is the strongest thing in the universe yet it is really hard to genuinely love and not get trampled. Some people around me are extremely, extremely loving, and I wonder how they do it? How can they pour out so much of themselves and still remain strong? "I want to be strong in love which is stronger than death." (haha I quoted the Pope) I want to know if I am representing him right.. do people know my heart by my actions? Am I an unwitting hypocrite?
All I know is God is amazing amazing and maybe if I am filled with the love He has given me... people will take notice.

.:. Last night I had a lot of fun kickin it at Discoteca new analogue bar on the Southside of Chattanooga. I came back smelling faintly of cigarette smoke and I hope it lingers awhile. Discoteca was so much fun. I danced with Mr. Benton and played some cards with Mr. Ramsey. The whole night was filled with booming retro beats, mostly from the 60's but with some 50's tunes thrown in.

Most of the people there were super trendy and seemed to stalk the floor intimidating everyone with their fashion choices. haha.

I was there to practice my free bird-ism. I could breathe and I felt really happy. I got my game on. I flirted with men. Its such a relief to interact shallowly and understand that is all it is. Its genuine in the fact that we could care less about each other and so much easier than the impending doom feeling of being swept away by someone. Don't get me wrong, I would never lead some one on, or date someone for kicks, but everything up to and in-between is fair game.

The place is all brick and jammed into the corner of East Main, the two rooms that make up the joint are pretty big but as of right now, pretty empty. Discoteca has a lot of potential, however. Its fun and vibe-y and lacks the sleaze factor at a lot of Chattanooga clubs. No bumping and grinding here. .:.

// Back in Chattanooga //

.:. Last night me and Malcolm and Kristopher went to downtown Chatt-town to hang out at The Mudpie for 1/2 price night and hear some music. It was slightly sketchy because it had just snowed earlier in the day and the roads had melted and refrozen into a car slip and slide. I sipped down a couple of of glasses of sweet Moscato and listened to the music. Flipped through The Pulse and checked out the music and arts events. I felt at home. I felt as free as a bird. Chattanooga and me have definitely bonded.

We scurried out into the cold and slid across the hidden and terrifying patches of black ice to the car. We had one last mission in store. Tremont Street winds across the Northshore of Chattanooga before suddenly disappearing down the side of a hill. It is at this corner that David Benton's house is. 

David Benton is a web designer and Southern graduate who is in a "Teach Yourself CSS" book for inventing a new way to use the code. As discussed over the wine earlier, he has taken to a massively hairy look, befitting a manly man of his stature and his enjoyment of appropriate mountain man activities. His house is completely white except the door and the bright red porch swing. David was unexpectedly "treated" to our company. He probably would have rathered we leave him alone for we found him with Kelli, which was something not unexpected. The womanizer with one woman? We talked and laughed the rest of our night away. ..:.

God of Anger

I just had an epiphany!

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I was thinking about how God is portrayed as both a wrath filled God of the Old Testament and a loving God of the New Testament..

A friend of mine was constantly talking to me about his questioning of the Bible because it was written by human hands and therefore it was corruptible. 

I'm not a philosophy or a theology genius but what if that is the key!

.:. Think about it.. it happens even today! History will be written by the victor. What if the Muslim Jihad succeeded? Wouldn't they say and write that God had asked them to attack us and ordained their victory and blood shed?? What if the writers of the old testament assumed their victory was because God took a side? Or maybe they acted in the name of God and took his name in vain. 

Exodus 20:7 //  You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name. 

THAT is the 6th commandment!! Do not take the Lord's name in vain and don't claim his endorsement on violence. Don't say you are a Christian or take actions that represent God falsely. Don't take his name in vain!

God is love and love takes no sides. Think about the specific instances when God gave his people a plan of victory.. Like Joshua and the victory at Jericho!! That was God conspired and non-violent. Maybe we have to see the scripture in the context of the time and circumstance to properly interpret it and not lose the deeper meaning ... more thoughts as they come .:.