last night was pretty glorious. I went to Nick Livanos' Seis de Mayo party and it felt like all those moments between the hard moments. you know, one of those moments you live for. for once I felt totally at home. so happy without the partying or drinking, other than just drinking in the moment, memorializing the year. something to remember in your old and gray age.
I listened to some Coldplay on the way back home. the dark night sky was illuminated with stars, which was perfect Coldplay weather.
I wonder if Chris Martin is as good of a husband as he claims in his songs. He seems to know love inside and out by the things he sings, but is he really that amazing of a guy in real life?
Spring love seems to be in the air. A lot the people that I recognized without a lover were there, in force, with one. People I'd never seen them hang out with before or even seen around for that matter. Mysterious to me, how it all happens.
A couple days ago I wrote an email to a guy named Nathan Phillips.
I met him as half of a group called "Choir at Your Door", the other half being my pretty good friend, Aaron Roche. He was really nice, you know. He was soft spoken and seemed interested in more than the mundane. Choir at Your Door lyrics seem to suggest that he has a heart in presuit of God, which is a most attractive aspect of an alternative guy.
He seemed really cool. Didn't think much of it though.. knew I probably wouldn't see him ever again. Then I get this message from Aaron, telling me that he and I should be better friends. Which also led me to getting his email.
I don't know what's meant to happen with anything. It always seems, however, that I always miss windows of oppurtunity.
Looking up at the moon in the Seis de Mayo sky, I could help but think that this is the type of evening that should be shared with Nathan Phillips type people.
Taking another look at the people and faces gathered round, I wondered how many people push it, rush it. I want to wait for my best friend. and that will have to be person of certain sort. a sort not even probably of my expectations.
I sit under the front stairs of my house, the rain is lightly pattering on the tin of the stoop. I am eating leftover angel hair spaghetti and homemade meat balls. I am totally alone. Beau and Jodi went to North Carolina this weekend. And I am happier than I have been all four years of my college experience. : ) ahhhhh... 20 days in, guys, and the one thing I have truly realized is the most profound, yet subtle, (just noticed it) change that has really come about from throwing all my burdens, things I was carrying around because I though I needed them to stay a relevant artist or to not be a weirdo, on God. I HAVE NOT REGRETTED one day or missed out on ANYTHING I really cared about. God has blessed me to not be torn apart by it anymore. I have somehow, not just realized, but lived the radicalness that comes with God. Really alternative-ness and radical thinking. Challenging life to be anything but mundane.
The biggest thing that I have learn actually came from Tim Cofield. His profound words echo in my ears. YOU JUST CARE TOO MUCH. That was all I needed. Here I though I came to say something to him that might bless his life, but God turns it around and humbles me. haunting.
YOU CARE TOO MUCH. YES!
I think caring and compassion is good, but not when I come to second guessing who you are. You cannot let people toss you carelessly like the sea because you care about what the think.. because you want them to like you.
Jesus wanted people to HATE Him. if it was for the right reasons.
Not Peace but Division
Luke 12
49"I have come to bring fire on the earth, and how I wish it were already kindled! 50But I have a baptism to undergo, and how distressed I am until it is completed! 51Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division. 52From now on there will be five in one family divided against each other, three against two and two against three. 53They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law."
Crazy right?
but He said it.
He was the most radical of the radical. He wanted people to love Him for everything He stood for and He would rather have people be angry and pissed if they didn't.
He was so grounded in who He was and where He was coming from that all He needed was the truth.
He cared little about Himself and cared deeply about the big picture.
about love
justice
life
hope
joy
so THAT is what has been making me free.
to care. because that is good.
but about the right things.
not to dish what people will like, but to be true to myself.
because people can feeling that. they can sense it.
and I can guarantee that not everyone will like you for it.
I had to endure Ke$ha on the radio station but it didn't matter // blah blah blah that is all I here coming out of her mouth.
first of all, Pro Tools in the wicca of the Adventist world. seriously, I felt like a wizard or a magician or something. I used the little plugins and the volume and levels and EQ changed and left me with flawless, un-noisy sound. Dialogue sweet dialogue.
I also found out that my friend, Ben Norskov, is a flash wizard as well, and that flash with vimeo videos embedded in it is the second wicca of the Adventist world. magical.
things to finish up:
1. Digital Portfolio
2. Senior Project
3. Issues of Physical Science and Religion Reading
then home free!
the Village Market fullfilled the dreams of my heart today : ) I got some angel hair pasta, which I have been craving all week. pesto with baby tomatoes. mmm
its funny how I spend all day fantasizing about what I will cook for myself in the evening. I imagine the flavors and what I will add to the frying pan. I imagine and smell the spices in my mind. its torturous because I really am hungry! its like mental walking-through-the-grocery-store-and-wanting-to-buy-EVERYTHING.
nothing is more amazing than snuggling in a clean and comfy bed. mmm. well, maybe snuggling in it with someone else but that is of the future times my friends.
But seriously. what I simple pleasure is relaxing in a comfortable place. Reading a book.
Last night I was sort of desperate and pissed that life is so confusing right now! I don't know what I am doing, I don't know where I am going.
I gained a little courage when new and good friend Chris Stiles plan a road trip home across the great United States. All the amazing places to hit up! Zion, Arches, The Grand Canyon, Yosemite.. I told him I was really worried about where I was meant to be in life. He said to me that the first thing we were going to figure out, before all this fun madness of a road trip was figured out, was my mind being at ease about a job. He then encouraged me to apply at a rental house, maybe in Seattle, maybe in L.A.. wherever I would be happy. That was such a small gesture but it moved mountains for my spirit. Some one worried about my solid and complete welfare.. as a struggling individual.., definitely in doubt.
I decide last night that
A: I believe in love and that it can happen
B: If I believe in love, everything I have been taught makes me believe the only way to true love is through God.
C: If I choose God I have to work at a relationship, or I will be swept away.
It is our ultimate responsibility what relationship we have with God. If we know we want him in our life, we HAVE TO GIVE HIM EVERYTHING. and we know what that means.. otherwise it is very hard for Him to work and eventually.. we won't care about Him anymore, we won't need him anymore.
I definitely have seen evidence of this in my life. Doubts are always present. Nothing in life is provable. You just gotta choose where your faith will lie and leap!
Being in the middle only causes pain and torment for yourself and your soul. Its really all or nothing. Because in the middle nothing works. You can't know if you are truly blessed. You can't know if there is any true value..
So that means I have to chase it.
Its not a conversion experience, it is a conversion JOURNEY. and if you let it stagnate whether or not you made the choice to be a part of it, guess what? it will. Its choosing by inaction.
so no more for me! I going to try to dive in! get down to business! find love love love love
I listen to Mr. Rob Bell this morning, and he said that STORMS WILL COME. People will hurt you, things will fall apart, you might get cancer and die, but GOD IS CULTIVATED in your life with the express purpose to WEATHER THAT STORM. not to stop it form happening because God cannot stop the natural consequences of our sinful world, but to give us peace, to give us joy, and the strength and character to weather it. Of course, everybody is fine when things are fine and dandy, but the storm is the refining fire and lets us see where we stand.
powerful! (said with a James Brown swagger in the voice)
Today it is raining. This is good for me, allergy inflicted child. the Tennessee valley is so green and lush.
Today I went on Craig's List to find a road bike..
My Craig's List success story is my Marmot backpacking tent which I purchased for $100 dollars from a legit and really cool guy.. but something tells me that getting such an expensive bicycle in Chattanooga might be a dumb thing to do.
But they look so tantalizing // and running is bad for my knees of complex issues. being a woman basically sucks for sports because of our hips naturally turning our knees inward on themselves. gosh! and gross!
I can picture myself biking around L.A. in a fancy Cannondale, but I might have to wait until my first paycheck.. and who know where that is going to come from! and do I go to L.A.? Do I want to be there?
but as a good 7th Day Adventist, Ellen White teaches me that "Our bodies were designed for action, hence regular exercise is important to maintain good health (Ed 207)".. oh man! but she also said that pepper and mustard is harmful for your digestion..
///Pepper and Mustard
Mrs. White was opposed to the use of spices, particularly spicy peppers:
"Mustard, pepper, spices, pickles, and other things of a like character, irritate the stomach and make the blood feverish and impure."32
Modern scientific research has shown that these spices are not as harmful as once supposed:
Cayenne pepper - a natural pain killer triggers the release of endorphins, the body's "feel-good" chemicals. It regulates blood flow, strengthening the heart, arteries, capillaries and nerves. It is used by natural health care providers to treat a variety of ailments.
Black pepper - Considered the foremost detoxifier and anti-aging herb in Asia. Increases the release of carcinogens thru the Liver, thereby reducing cancer likelihood. Increases circulation and lowers blood pressure. Protects against liver damage. Is an antioxidant.
Mustard - Has been used by natural health care providers to treat fevers, colds, and influenza.
So maybe if I exercise too much it will end up being bad for me? Consideration in treking cross enormous towns by bicycle. but Ellen White also hates bicycles..
"In July 1894 Ellen White sent a letter to the denomination's headquarters church in Battle Creek, Michigan, in which she condemned the purchase and riding of bicycles."
"In 1894 the modern bicycle was just beginning to be manifactured, and a fad quickly developed to acquire bicycles, not for the purpose of economical transportation, but simply to be in style, to enter bicycle races, and to parade around town on them."
from
Reading Ellen White:
how to understand and apply her writings
By George R. Knight
a "species of idolatry" as she would say..
Well maybe having a fancy bicycle is a species of idolatry. haha. but its off Craig's List.. so how fancy could it really be..? and its not 1894 anymore, as I chomp on agriller with mustard and pepper on it..
its not what you believe but why you believe it. for me my heart sees Mr. Cannondale as nothing but an exercise in the freedom to roam (no pun intended.)
Issues of Physical Science and Religion inspires me! This goes right along with my earlier thoughts..
My teacher mentioned the age old nature vs. nurture that is the common describers of who we are as people, and he also mentioned how both of them are determined!
I'd never thought of that before, but it really is true.
NATURE:: we cannot change our circumstances. The environment is what it is and we did not get to decide that.
NURTURE:: we did not get to choose our genetics, just like we didn't get to choose our name. we don't get to decide what environment we are raised in or how we are treated as we grow up.. we didn't get to decide the things we got to experience or the things we were exposed to.
so what do we really get to decide? where does that leave freewill? basically they are saying who you are is not up to you at all! but I don't believe that at all..
I think it has something to do with what kind of person we really are.. not the position we are in, but what we do with it. we always have that decision.
I guess its really true that people come and go. I really appreciate those that decide to come though.
On day sixteen have nothing important to say ha.
I went running the other day and ran more than a couple of miles I think. Its amazing how hard something is when you first start it. How impossible it seems until you finally get to the downhill side, then running is easy. You can start running further and further and not get tired. Before you might have been panting and getting side stitches after one block, but now you can run and run and run and it feels good.
Maybe that is a giant metaphor for life?
Well whatever it is, I learned something, that you write your own life. It doesn't matter what happens to you and what circumstances you might face, because others have faced worse and many have faced less, its those experiences that reveal who you truly always were. Your reaction to them. And you decide who you are and what you want to be. You get to write it. No one can control you and circumstances can't dictate you. With one addendum, experience. Somethings you end up learning the hard way. dang. I love it though! that leaves life with the hope of tomorrow. Never to be repeated.
Hanging out in Chattanooga give you a sense of community, but I love just taking jaunts alone. Being me is fun. I like who I am, you know. I like standing up and saying! this is who I am! love it or leave it.
->red lipstick ->crazy thrift store dresses ->40's hair ->sometimes hairy legs haha ->ideally I would have a road bike ->Jamaican stylz purse ->black chacos ->bruises from adventures and all ->laughing at everything ->finally not afraid to be alone ->stubborn and staunch//sometimes deathly care, concern, thought ->random outbursts of singing ->learning everything and anything ->blaring either rockn'roll or classical tunes from my car ->a love of the spirit of God and its mysteries!! so exciting
even I can approve. haha
I saw the film "White Ribbon" I really liked it!! it was awesome. I'm not sure how to explain it. basically, I feel like the point was. You reap what you sow.. all the children in the village become as their parents show and not what they say, and the parents are revealed to be rotten.. it ends unsatisfying, which I like.d alot forcing you to fill in the blanks and decide what you think happened. tantalizing!!
the lighting was amazing! the eeriness of the early years right before World War I was totally translated on to celluloid. The figures where almost phosphorescent traces in the dark and dank rooms.. and then other times he let it totally over expose.. which felt appropriate for the happy and joyous times during the film. It was haunting..
Last night I made the best hamburger in the world. seriously the best. you have to let me make you one.
it had this amazing garlic, butter, sour cream, cream cheese, feta cheese sauce on it!! I grilled a hamburger with salt and pepper.. then I topped the burger with the sauce and avocado, fresh cilantro, and spinach.. The rest of the sauce went on my salad as a dressing as well.
the most taste-gasimic thing that I have ever put in my mouth.. seriously. ahhhhhhhh
So realized why sometimes I feel like my life is falling apart. I don't have a direction. Everything in my life has always been planned out and has gone according to that plan. But now, I know what I want to do, but I don't know how to do it.. and that has put me into turmoil. I almost am glad that I am documenting it because this is one of those pivotal moments, you know.. Like getting married. Figuring yourself out.
I realize and reiterated in my life again just how much I want to make films. I figured out that I think this passion in my bones is not just wishful thinking, I think there is the correct potential. Its just about how bad do I want it? How hard will I work for it? Everything circumstance in my life has culminated towards this. I am in the perfect position to do what I want to do. Don't blow it Sahale. Everything that has made me, me will be tested. And rightly so, I think that happens when anyone shoots for their dreams. Its like a collaboration with the fates and seeing if you are compatible with your dreams. And if not its heart breaking.
I guess it is true that in my nature, I tend to care about things a lot. But Ghandi cared a lot, and Martin Luther King, Jr cared a lot, so I don't think that caring is unproductive. I got channel it into the things that matter to me that are realistic and grounding. Such as FILMMAKING! yay!
Why do I feel an overwhelming sense that I need to get out of this town? Is it intuition or is it just what I think I want. The wild west is calling me but I am young, why do I feel this wanderlust now? HA! I'm young! I love that, that is still true.. while I endeavor to do what I have wanted to do since 7th grade, great filmmakers come into their calling at around forty, winning first academy awards! I have a good 20 years on the road ahead. A good 20 years that will be dedicated to the task.
I'm trying to be happy as is. Not wishing for things that I don't have. To abolish jealousy and bury hurt. Today I will just be me and not over analyze it. Today will not throw God's blessings in His face but know that everything He gives is to strengthen and not just please. Today I will not wish for things to be different, but know that I have what I need for a good life right now. Today I will remind myself that I will create happiness that will last. Not to be what others want but because the core of what it all is about is right. Today I will not cry. Today I will not worry about it. Today I will not over analyze it. Today I will say, "Who cares, it doesn't matter." Like everyone who has never been in love. Today I will know that I can be loved because I already am loved. Today I will let go of what I want. Today I won't compare anything to anything else.. Today. because it will never happen if you say tomorrow.
Today I am becoming the ten pound hammer and all over valuable person by starting my own mint account. what is mint you wonder? Mint is an online budgeting tool. And it is amazing!
here is my budget for the month:: .:.and I've already gone over .:. man life is expensive!
Things that mint will allow me to do for the future::
-actually know how much money I am spending per month on my necessities and wants. -how to consolidate and try to be consistent with spending.. -how I can sustain living where ever I am at. -And how to be conservative in some places to save for the things I really want to do in the future.
thank you mint! check it out at ----> MINT <---- AND its totally FREE!
As producer and friend Tom Gorai told me: "MONEY EQUALS FREEDOM."
And to be an artist who gets to do the art they want, you are going to need plenty of it..! So bring it on, baby!
Today I went running. Finally I decided to be a smart individual and put on sunscreen, whereas in the past, apparently, I thought it would be fun to fry. Actually I have a high tolerance for sun because I naturally have quite a bit of pigment but I've had some close shaves. Smelling the distinct smell of the sun lotion though made me long to get out of flat TN and go on a road trip, or a backpack trip, or the beach.. anything I associated with the sweet smell of sun lotion.
My summer thrill continued with a little bit of Bob Marley. You know you barely ever think of it while you are listening, and even though the lyrics are very positive you never really think of the reasons, but Bob Marley, as a Rastafari, layers his songs with themes of love and God. the ideas are true & even better honest. Encouraging. There is love out there that is good enough for others to fight for, to sing war songs for.. "Could You Be Loved?" really spoke to me because he seems to be pleading with a girl to hold out for real love, asking her, "Could you be loved?" not just adored and lusted after but truly loved? The answer is a resounding YES.
Could you be loved? and be loved //
Love would never leave us alone,
A-yin the darkness there must come out to light.
Don't let them change ya, oh! -
Or even rearrange ya! Oh, no!
......
Could you be loved and be loved?
Could you be loved, wo now! - and be loved?
(You ain't gonna miss your water until your well runs dry;
No matter how you treat him, the man will never be satisfied.)
We don't really tremble at awe at anything bigger than us anymore.
In America we are it. We are the top dog. Top of the heap.
And you know, I think that we have lost the wonder of a God who is mysterious. Somehow America got so caught up in logic and reason and explaining everything, that we sucked the magic right out of it.. like knowing how your favorite movie is made. What we forget is that science and logic breakdown too. No one gets quantum mechanics.. yet the mathematics work. Paradoxes aren't logical, yet they exist.. blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah vhavlhalkdshgfklfjldkjfkld;afjsdls preaching to the choir I guess.. anyways, my point ---->
Maybe wonder and mystery aren't necessary to live but are necessary to make life ALIVE. Don't let being a jaded American stop you from finding out!
STEP THREE
a confession:
I am probably the worst housemate in the world.
I make messes and don't have time to clean them. I added to messes further when I finally get home and throw my stuff around.
This week, Jodi, my dear housemate is my "least of these" because I totally take her for granted. I take for granted the clean kitchen she always leaves me and her never ending patience with the mess I make. I take for granted that she cleans the bathroom and has to field calls from the landlord when I forget to put rent in the box. AGAIN.
this week I promised to pay ATTENTION to my actions. and make sure to be an equal as she treats me. little steps me friends, hopefully it makes a difference.
Sage Francis isn’t usually on my radar of music that I’m excited about, but after dropping this single I’m going to keep an eye on his forthcoming record, LI(F)E. The album’s not released until 11th May, but you can grab this track as well as another song from the album over at Sage’s website.
Hooking up with French composer Yann Tierson, Best of Times is set to a pretty plinky plonk backdrop and Francis really delivers with the lyrics as well. If the rest of the album sounds anything like this, then I’m gonna like it a whole lot.
